For years, I lied to myself that you loved me. Even though I never felt your love and I never saw it, I held on to small tokens of your affection and attention and mistook it for love.
I’d been mistaking your drunk, late-night phone calls and you coming back to me as love.
But after a long time, I realized that you never loved me. And it was the most painful realization of my life.
It was something I fought against for years and I had to accept it when it became too obvious.
But even that realization didn’t convince me to walk away from you.
I was foolish enough to think I could change your feelings for me, after all this time. I was foolish enough to continue humiliating myself in front of you, while begging for your attention and while fighting for your love.
And now, after all this time, I know everything was in vain. I know that you can’t make someone love you, no matter how hard you try and that all the love you might be giving to that person serves you for nothing.
And I am not resentful or angry because of that. You couldn’t force yourself into loving me and that is something I am slowly learning to live with.
But what I can’t forgive you for is not walking away from me the moment you realized you didn’t love me the way I loved you.
I can’t forgive you for letting me waste years on you, when you knew very well that you could never give me the love and attention I wanted so badly.
Because if you had done so, I would have probably forgotten about you long ago.
But instead, you decided to use me for all these years, because you enjoyed the love and attention I was giving you.
I guess I was just convenient for you and that is why you kept me stuck with you for all this time.
And now, it’s about time to put a final stop to this charade and to end this relationship.
It’s time for me to start getting used to living without you, the same way I got used to living without your love.
I never thought I would be the one to say this but please let me go. Please leave me alone and please walk away from me for the last time.
Please stop giving me false hope. Because you know all I need is one phone call, one look or one night spent with you to convince myself that not all is lost and that you might care about me in some way. And we both know it’s not true.
Please stop coming back to me just to leave me again, when you know very well that I will have you back every time you do. Stop reappearing in my life every time you are going through a rough phase in yours.
Stop asking for my shoulder to cry on every time everyone else abandons you. Stop counting on me to have your back when everyone else betrays you. Stop looking for my hand every time you need guidance.
Please stop leading me on. Stop giving me just the right amount of your affection and attention and just the right amount of yourself just to keep me around.
Please stop using me just because I am good for your ego. I know you enjoy having someone to love you the way I love you. I know you enjoy all the attention I’ve been giving you for years.
But let’s face it—those are all matters of your ego and you’ve been using me as an ego boost.
Please stop convincing me that you love me every time I try to walk away, when we both know that you don’t. You never loved me and you never will.
You never appreciated anything I was doing for you, you were always taking me for granted, you never respected me and you never prioritized me.
You were always a self-centered narcissist and you never took care of me and my needs. And that is how you treat the woman you love.
Please be a greater man than you ever were and walk away from me for good, because that is something I will never be able to do.
Please give me an opportunity to find my own happiness, because I could never be happy while you are around. I think we can both agree it’s the least I deserve.
