Every time I walk away from an argument, I wish I could just go back. I sit on my bed and I relive the situation over and over again, thinking what would have happened if I had said something differently.
Or I come up with a good comeback and I hate myself for not thinking of it sooner—like at the moment of the fight. But, of course, now it’s too late.
These things get to me so hard. I even can’t remember all the dirty and disgusting things that someone said to me. I just block them out because I’m not sure I could handle them.
I don’t handle confrontations so well. I get really upset when someone is out to get me. It really makes me anxious and it bothers me to the point I can’t think straight. I’m scared.
Every time someone picks a fight with me, I lose this strong mask I’ve put on or it starts to fade. I become transparent and my voice starts to slowly shake like I’m going to cry—and I walk away. I walk away because I am about to cry and I don’t want anyone to see how sensitive I am. They would eat me alive.
I can’t handle getting the smallest hint that someone is upset or angry with me because I never know why. How could anyone be angry with me? All I’ve ever wanted and all I ever want is good. For everyone.
It bothers me so much. I can’t sleep at night. I repeat the situation in my head millions of times. I overanalyze every little detail and I dwell on it for hours. It’s insane how much time I spend obsessing over a few details that others wouldn’t spend 2 minutes on.
I get so annoyed with the fact of how sensitive I am. I try to hide it because I won’t accept it. I cannot let others see it. Every little detail gets to me like it’s the most important thing in the world. I don’t know. Maybe I’m overreacting even now while I’m writing this. But that’s me—taking things to heart and too seriously.
Even if I’m sure that the person who offended me or verbally attacked me is a complete asshole, it will still get to me. I will feel bad like I did something wrong either way.
I hate that I want to cry and run away instead of staying and fighting for myself. I do stay for as long as I can, but I leave because I can’t take it anymore. Sensitivity is my biggest burden. It’s the first emotion that takes me over, the first one I feel—it’s my instinct.
Only after I calm myself down, anger takes over. An enormous rush of thoughts and sentences overwhelm me—the things I could have said but didn’t.
The worst thing is that I make myself look like a badass—as if nothing can touch me. But in reality, underneath this mask I’ve put on, hides a soft and sensitive heart. And when all passes, when everyone leaves, I let my soft side come to light. I let my emotions run wild.
I pretend I don’t care what others think, but I do. Hurtful things that someone says or does to me consume me. They bother me, but I make sure no one sees that.
I constantly feel this burden pressing against my chest because I have to pretend I’m something I’m not. I’ve mastered faking smiles and cracking jokes just to cover up how I really feel. And believe me, it’s an Oscar-winning performance each time.
I always ruin my chances for happiness. I scare men away and I refuse giving anyone the slightest chance of trying to get near me. I pretend I don’t care. This is how I break my own heart every time, and I’m the first one to do it because I don’t want to allow anyone to find out I’m actually completely opposite from what I pretend to be.
I’m really bad at showing how I feel. Letting my emotions out in the open scares me the most. I will never say ‘I love you’ because I’m not comfortable with it and I assume the other person knows that. So, there’s no need for me to put myself in a difficult situation.
This is why I look like I’m cold and heartless but I’m not. I know how to love and I love even a bit too much. And that is what scares me.
That’s why I pretend I’m strong because I wish I was. I wish that nothing would get to me. I wish my heart was bulletproof.
It would be easier,
It would be better.