Ainda estou zangado comigo mesmo por te ter amado

When I tell people about all the things you’ve done to me, about all the harm you’ve caused and about all the pain you’ve put me through, everyone blames you for everything.

Everyone assumes that I am mad at you and that I could never forgive you for the way you’ve treated me.

E foi assim que me senti durante algum tempo, desde que finalmente desapareceste da minha vida para sempre.

Estava consumido pela raiva e pelo ódio contra ti, e pensava que eras o único culpado de todas as minhas desgraças.

Mas, passado algum tempo, todos esses sentimentos desapareceram. E pensei que o fim da minha miséria tinha finalmente chegado.

I was convinced that I had finally gotten rid of all these negative emotions that had haunted and caged me. I thought I’d decidi seguir em frente com a minha vidada mesma forma que tu.

Mas, na verdade, era apenas o início.

Yes, the truth is that I’d stopped hating you. I wasn’t angry at you anymore, and I’d even managed to forgive you for everything you did to me.

But it didn’t mean my anger and bitterness faded away. Instead, they still remained a huge part of me, and I just rechanneled them.

But this time, it was worse than ever. Because this time, I’d become angry at myself. And that is something I still feel and something I don’t know how to overcome.

Sei que toda a gente lhe diz que nunca deve guardar rancor, especialmente contra si próprio.

Sei que devo encarar a nossa relação como uma lição difícil e que não conseguirei nada se continuar a voltar ao passado e a agarrar-me a ele.

Mas essa raiva, esse ressentimento e ódio a si próprio are stronger than everything I’ve ever felt, and it is something I can’t control, as much as I’m trying to.

The truth is that I became angry at myself the moment I realized you didn’t force me into doing anything I didn’t want to do.

You didn’t force me to be with you, to put up with you, to stay with you or to humiliate myself.

Sim, tu manipulaste-me. Brincou com a minha mente e o meu coração. Chantageaste-me emocionalmente.

Mas fui eu que permiti que me fizesses todas essas coisas.

Fui eu que sempre tive consciência do tipo de homem que tu és e fui eu que escolhi ficar ao teu lado, apesar de tudo.

I was the one who was too weak, who didn’t have the strength and the power to confront you and to stand up for myself.

I was the one who let you into my life and into my heart and the one who didn’t have the courage to walk away from you and to cut you off for good.

And that is the main reason of my anger. That is what I can’t forgive myself.

I can’t forgive myself for being a fool for so long and for believing that you’d eventually change, por mentir e convencer-me de que me amavas, quando claramente nunca me amaste.

I can’t forgive myself for hoping that we’d live a happy life, although there was clearly no room for me to hope, for giving you all those second chances, when you clearly didn’t deserve any.

I can’t forgive myself for letting you treat me the way you wanted to e por te ter aturado a abusar emocionalmente de mim durante todos estes anos.

Por permitir que me diminuísse and for letting you act like I’m beneath you.

I can’t forgive myself for always putting you firstPor nunca me teres dado um lugar especial na tua vida, por seres o único que se esforçou na nossa relação.

I can’t forgive myself for putting aside all of my deal breakers and life principles só para poder estar contigo, para mudar, para que gostasses mais de mim.

Mas acima de tudo, Eu sou zangado por te amar mais do que a mim próprio.

Na verdade, estou zangado comigo próprio por alguma vez ter cuidado de ti e te ter amado da forma como o fiz.

Porque nunca mereceste o meu amor. E tu nunca me mereceste.