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I Am Still Angry At Myself For Ever Loving You

I Am Still Angry At Myself For Ever Loving You

When I tell people about all the things you’ve done to me, about all the harm you’ve caused and about all the pain you’ve put me through, everyone blames you for everything.

Everyone assumes that I am mad at you and that I could never forgive you for the way you’ve treated me.

And this is how I felt for a while, since you finally disappeared from my life for good.

I was consumed by anger and hatred toward you, and I thought you were the only one guilty for all of my misfortunes.

But after some time, all of those feelings went away. And I thought the end of my misery has finally come.

I was convinced that I had finally gotten rid of all these negative emotions that had haunted and caged me. I thought I’d decided to move on with my life, the same way you did.

But actually, it was only the beginning.

Yes, the truth is that I’d stopped hating you. I wasn’t angry at you anymore, and I’d even managed to forgive you for everything you did to me.

But it didn’t mean my anger and bitterness faded away. Instead, they still remained a huge part of me, and I just rechanneled them.

But this time, it was worse than ever. Because this time, I’d become angry at myself. And that is something I still feel and something I don’t know how to overcome.

I know everyone will tell you that you should never hold grudges, especially against yourself.

I know that I should look at our relationship as a tough lesson and that I will not accomplish anything if I keep going back to the past and holding on to it.

But this anger, self-resentment and self-hatred are stronger than everything I’ve ever felt, and it is something I can’t control, as much as I’m trying to.

The truth is that I became angry at myself the moment I realized you didn’t force me into doing anything I didn’t want to do.

You didn’t force me to be with you, to put up with you, to stay with you or to humiliate myself.

Yes, you did manipulate me. You did play with my mind and my heart. You did emotionally blackmail me.

But I was the one who allowed you to do all those things to me.

I was the one who was always aware of the type of man you are, and I was the one who chose to stay by your side, despite everything.

I was the one who was too weak, who didn’t have the strength and the power to confront you and to stand up for myself.

I was the one who let you into my life and into my heart and the one who didn’t have the courage to walk away from you and to cut you off for good.

And that is the main reason of my anger. That is what I can’t forgive myself.

I can’t forgive myself for being a fool for so long and for believing that you’d eventually change, for lying and convincing myself that you loved me, when you clearly never did.

I can’t forgive myself for hoping that we’d live a happy life, although there was clearly no room for me to hope, for giving you all those second chances, when you clearly didn’t deserve any.

I can’t forgive myself for letting you treat me the way you wanted to and for putting up with you emotionally abusing me for all those years.

For allowing you to diminish me and for letting you act like I’m beneath you.

I can’t forgive myself for always putting you first, while you never gave me a special place in your life, for being the only one to put an effort into our relationship.

I can’t forgive myself for putting aside all of my deal breakers and life principles just so I could be with you, for changing so you would like me more.

But most of all, I am angry for loving you more than I loved myself.

As a matter of fact, I am angry at myself for ever caring for you and loving you the way I did.

Because you never deserved my love. And you never deserved me.

No, You Don't Always Have To Forgive

Tuesday 22nd of February 2022

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