There were many things you were never sure about in life. But there was also one that you were always certain of. And that is the fact that you could count on me.
You were so certain of this that you stopped trying a long time ago. You simply thought that I was obligated to stay by your side no matter what you did to me and that you didn’t have to do anything to keep me around. Therefore, you started taking me for granted ages ago.
You knew that no matter what happened, and no matter who was in your life, you’d have me until the end of time. You knew that I was the only one who would never leave you behind, despite everything you did to me. And you thought there wasn’t anything you could do to me that would make me stop loving you.
It’s funny—I was only important to you when you needed me. You would only remember that I existed when you had no one else to turn to.
At first, I was happy because of your drunk, late-night phone calls. Silly me assumed that this was the only time when you were completely honest and I was happy because you remembered me in that state. I was happy that I was the person you could turn to whenever you were in some kind of trouble. I knew how closed off a person you were and I knew you wouldn’t open up to just anyone. So, I felt special. I thought you didn’t see me just as your lover—I was also your friend. I thought I was the only person you trusted enough to share your problems with. I thought I was the only one you could rely on and that had to mean something.
And then it hit me—you weren’t calling me when you were drunk because that was when you were the most vulnerable and because I was the only person you could think about in that state. How foolish of me to even think that! No, you were calling me when you had run out of other options. When you were too drunk and annoying for every other girl in your life, when no other woman would take you. And whenever everything was going great in your life, you would disappear and you would start acting like I never existed. All of a sudden, you were too busy for me and my needs. And it didn’t mean that I was the only person you trusted enough to turn to and to open up to. It just meant I was the only one who was always ready to hear you out and to help you with your issues. It didn’t mean I was special to you. It only meant you were using me and you were taking advantage of my love for you.
There was nothing romantic about it. It was humiliating and devastating. And it still is.
But now I am here to tell you that I’ve had enough. I’ve had enough of your almost love and I’ve had enough of the way you’ve been treating me these last few years.
For a long time, I blamed myself for everything that was happening. I was very much aware that you didn’t deserve me and that you obviously never loved me enough but I simply couldn’t force myself to walk away. I felt stupid for allowing you to treat me this way but I kept hoping you’d change, although deep down, I knew that would never happen. I kept hoping you’d realize that I was worthy of your love and that you’d come to your senses.
But that never happened and it will never happen. And that is why I am walking away from you.
I am done trying to save you. I’ve been trying to do so for years and I’ve accomplished nothing. You are a grown man and if you are capable of making all those wrong decisions, you should also be capable of dealing with the consequences. It’s time you start taking responsibility for everything in your life, without expecting me to always clean up the mess you left behind. You chose your own path and there is nothing I can do about it anymore.
I am done being your last resort. I am done being the woman you come to when you have nowhere else to go. I am done competing with all these other girls in your life. I am done being the one who only has you at your worst, while they have you at your best.
I am done being your safety net.
I am done watching your back and being there for you, when everyone else abandons you. I am done being your shoulder to cry on and the hand that holds you through every difficulty.
I am done fighting your battles. I am done fighting with you or for you, because it’s time to start fighting for myself.
This is me abandoning you, for the first and last time ever. From now on, you don’t have me anymore. And you’ll never have me again.