If one major complaint in your marriage is: My husband turns everything around on me, this article is right up your alley.
The evil art of blame-shifting as well as gaslighting is something many spouses (read: narcissists) resort to when they are unwilling (and unable) to take responsibility for their behavior.
A controlling person such as your husband will blame you for everything (even the little things) and put you through emotional abuse with their narcissistic ways.
They will make a big deal out of a tiny issue and give you a hard time whenever you suggest seeing a marriage counselor.
While the extent of your marital issues is between the two of you, this much I can say: Domestic violence never starts as one big thing.
At first, you’ll feel as if you’re in a loving relationship with your best friend. He’s still the kind human being you met for the first time years ago and his narcissism is nowhere to be found.
He tells you he loves you numerous times a day, and your family members are most likely fond of him, too.
But then, one day, you start seeing the warning signs you may have been oblivious to all this time.
You don’t use the word abuser lightly, but compared to what he was like last year, you’re starting to see a different picture.
He undermines you constantly. He shatters your self-esteem, and the healthy relationship you were so proud of has turned into an emotionally abusive relationship.
There’s no physical abuse (yet), but he’s becoming a bad person that you have to walk on eggshells around.
The thought: ‘My husband turns everything around on me’ is constantly rummaging through your head. Are you leaning toward a breakup, and why is he acting this way?
Here are 20 unbelievable reasons why your husband is pushing the blame. How many of them can you check off the list?
My Husband Turns Everything Around On Me – 20 Explanations
Here’s everything you need to know about your husband’s sudden toxic behavior. These explanations will help you figure out your next move.
He feels unappreciated by you.
The simplest solution could be that he simply doesn’t feel valued by you. While I always say that it takes two to tango, there could be some truth to this after all.
You’re the only one who knows whether this is the case or not.
His emotional abuse is never tolerable, but if you feel that your actions somehow contribute to this behavior, you might be able to sit down and talk it through after all.
He lacks empathy.
There are people in this world with severely low empathy levels. These individuals have a hard time sympathizing with other people’s feelings.
Oftentimes, they are also called narcissists. While not everyone who lacks empathy is referred to as a narcissist, they do share eerily similar traits.
If your husband finds it challenging to realize that blaming you is wrong, he might lack empathy.
He has a holier-than-thou attitude.
His self-righteous moral superiority doesn’t allow him to ever question his actions and behavior. God forbid he did that!
People like this will be in firm denial and refuse to face the facts even when they’re staring them right in the face. You shouldn’t get involved with someone like this in the first place.
Why? Because you’ll never have a life partner in the proper sense of the word. Their moral high ground is always going to be one level above yours. At least, according to him.
Every time you face him with something he doesn’t want to hear, he gets overly emotional. He takes everything way too personally, which makes you constantly walk on eggshells.
It’s like you didn’t marry a man, but an immature boy. He doesn’t have his emotions in check, and that means that blaming you is a common issue in the marriage.
If you can’t handle yourself, how can you be mindful of your partner’s needs?
His extreme vulnerability can cause him to crave power and superiority. In turn, this can result in him putting you down for his satisfaction.
Another thing vulnerability can create is a sense of insecurity. This can make people never want to be seen as a bad person. Do you have reason to believe that this could be your husband’s struggle?
If he has to win every argument and keeps deflecting the blame from himself to you, the answer is probably yes.
He gets offended easily…
Especially at the thought of marriage counseling. All you want to do is work it out and talk to someone who genuinely might be able to help you, but he won’t hear of it.
He takes it as an offense and doesn’t give it any thought. When my husband turns everything around on me, I immediately ask him to explain his behavior.
I demand to know why he refuses to see my idea as something helpful. You need to remind him that you two are a team.
You’re not trying to cause him to feel bad; you’re merely trying to make things better for the sake of your marriage.
He’s plagued by a sense of entitlement.
This is something his family members, friends, co-workers, and anyone who knows him can tell you. He is a covert narcissist with a severe case of entitlement.
This causes him to turn everything around on you, as whatever happens, he was either right to do it or he didn’t do anything wrong at all.
That’s what you get when you get involved with narcissists. They are self-absorbed, always in the right, and if you care to question their behavior, they’ll make you feel sorry.
He’s a perfectionist.
His point of view is always the right one. Why? Because he’s incapable of doing anything wrong.
Now, this doesn’t make it true. His perfectionism doesn’t mean that he’s faultless. Being married to a perfectionist isn’t necessarily bad.
But, when they resort to blame-shifting and gaslighting, now, that’s a problem.
He’s controlling and dominating by nature.
Ultimatums are his way of accomplishing things. He demands to know all about every phone call you take and every person you see.
He doesn’t let you control your own life, as he needs to be on top of everything when it comes to you. He knows best.
When you married him, it wasn’t nearly as severe as it is now. You could never imagine calling him an abuser before, but how else can you explain his behavior?
He thrives on watching others fail.
He often says things like “OMG, did you see what a fool Steve made of himself last night? Wasn’t it AMAZING?”
And, you think to yourself how sad his words are. Who could enjoy watching someone they care about fail? Your husband, I guess.
This type of behavior is directly connected to his inability to sympathize with someone who is going through hardships. Moreover, it makes him more likely to lose his moral compass.
Therefore, you so often think to yourself: My husband turns everything around on me, but why? Now, you have an idea why.
He avoids feeling emotions, as to him, it’s a sign of weakness
In every good relationship, both partners need to be able to communicate their needs and wants. Emotions are a big part of that. You can’t see this as a weakness.
But, your husband does. He’ll never say how he feels. He’ll never let himself be vulnerable. You’ve probably never even seen him cry.
All that macho crap has turned him into a toxic partner who blames you for everything. That’s easier than admitting that you’re only human, and that, yeah, you’ll make mistakes.
He’s an egomaniac.
You’ve never seen someone as egotistical and self-absorbed as your husband. His excessive obsession with his ego means he never stops to consider how that makes you feel.
He’s preoccupied with his delusions of personal greatness and shows a lack of appreciation for you and all that you do.
Sometimes, egomaniacs resort to aggression to try to prove their point.
Don’t ignore the warning signs of this. This might be a case of emotional abuse, but it could also be a matter of time before it turns physical.
He needs people to know how great he is.
He needs people to be aware of his greatness. His sense of grandiosity is at an all-time high. He makes a big deal out of every mediocre thing he does.
How could a person as flawless as your husband do anything wrong? Moreover, how could he let anyone else think that?
He can’t allow you to be right, as that would suggest he’s human after all.
He’s the master of projecting.
A narcissist skillfully uses projection to get you where he wants you. That’s his area of expertise.
What is this projection that I speak of?
‘’In the field of psychology, projection – or psychological projection – is the denial of subconscious impulses by the human ego.
For instance, someone accusing their partner of cheating when they’re the one engaging in the scandalous act is projecting.”
And, something tells me that this describes your husband to a T. Am I right in thinking so?
He likes to control with fear.
Everytime he wants something, he uses scare tactics to get you to do it for him. He’s a controlling person, and creating fear is what he thrives on.
That way, you’re unlikely to stick up for yourself, and he’s always in control of his surroundings.
He naturally likes to cause trouble.
He’s just a jerk by nature. Sometimes, that’s all there is to it. He enjoys causing trouble. He loves being the reason why someone suffers be it his wife, friends, or family members.
He can’t leave negative social media comments alone. He has to get involved every single time.
Not to mention real-life arguments… he can’t let things go. He’ll bite your head off if you dare defy him (yours and everyone else’s).
Sometimes, you wonder whether the signs were there all along.
But, it’s easier to believe that he just suddenly became this toxic person rather than accepting the fact that you’ve been living with him all this time.
He’s emotionally immature.
He’s an emotionally immature mama’s boy. He was raised to be a needy, demanding, attention-seeking narcissist, and over time, the symptoms only get worse.
While this isn’t entirely his fault, he was fully able to shake it off and become a kind, considerate human being as he grew up.
You can’t do anything about how your parents raise you when you’re a kid, but as you get older (and hopefully more mature), you start seeing the error in their ways and do everything in your power to change them.
Obviously, this wasn’t the case with your husband, and that tells you everything you need to know about him.
He can’t handle negative feedback.
His thought process is probably like: “OMG, how dare you question me or anything that I say and do?”
In translation, his ability to handle any type of negative feedback is astonishingly nonexistent. You feel as if he’d fall apart if he was forced to face all of his BS throughout the years.
But, he uses his fragile demeanor as an excuse to do as he pleases without suffering the consequences.
He uses guilt as a tool.
Often, controlling people are highly skilled at manipulating their spouses and their emotions in a way that serves their goal.
What’s that you may wonder? It is getting you to feel a constant stream of guilt about every little thing that happens throughout the day so that you can do their bidding for them.
He guilt-trips you into doing his work for him, and you never complain as you feel immense pressure to do so.
Oftentimes, by doing this, you give up your power in the relationship. Needless to say, that plays right into his hands.
7 Questions You Need To Ask Yourself In This Situation
Before you decide what your next step is, ask yourself these questions and be honest in how you answer them. They will help you see how you feel about your marriage.
Do you believe that his behavior is in any way your fault?
The first thing you need to ask yourself is whether or not he is successful in making you believe that it’s you?
Newsflash, it’s NOT, but you have to figure this out for yourself. I can keep convincing you that this is all him, but if you refuse to see it, not much can be done.
So, do you? Do you believe his behavior is on you? Do you believe that somehow, you make him turn everything around on you?
Depending on your answer, you’ll start seeing what your next steps should be.
Does being married to him make you feel good about yourself?
This one’s simple. Being married to someone is supposed to make you feel good about yourself. Not just on some days, but EVERY day.
It’s supposed to emphasize all your best qualities and increase your self-esteem. It should make you feel like you can accomplish all your goals without ever questioning your abilities.
A marriage is supposed to be an uplifting, nurturing, healthy environment where you feel your absolute safest. Do you?
Do you feel like your husband has your back?
Does he have your back? Would he defend you in your absence? Does he encourage you when you fail?
The answer to all of these questions is supposed to be an unequivocal YES.
Partners should be there for each other through thick and thin without hesitation. If you don’t feel that way in your marriage, what does that tell you?
What advice would you give a close friend who is going through the same thing?
This is one of the surest ways to see things clearly once and for all. If one of your closest friends is going through the same thing, what would you tell her?
I’m pretty sure I already know. Isn’t it amazing how differently we treat ourselves versus our best friends?
You’re putting up way more than you ever should while I’m sure that if your bestie was in your shoes, you’d be telling her to leave his sorry ass yesterday. Why do you think that is?
Is there anything YOU can do to improve things?
While his behavior is in no way on you (as made clear by the first question), you can still ask yourself whether there’s anything YOU can do to improve things.
If there’s a slight chance that your actions could somehow make a positive shift, it could be the saving grace for your marriage.
In an ideal world, how would you want to be treated by your S/O?
Forget about your current reality. How would you like to be treated by your significant other if you lived in an ideal world?
Think about this one, then answer me this: Do you need to be living in an ideal world to be treated fairly?
The answer is no. Your marriage should be a safe haven regardless of the kind of world we live in.
When you come home, all your worries should dissipate (at least for a minute) and a sense of tranquility should overwhelm you.
What does your future look like without him in it?
Look into your future with him versus one without him. How does the former make you feel as opposed to the latter?
Do you see yourself happy, fulfilled, and taken care of if you stay with him? Or, is there a sense of relief at the thought of a future in which he isn’t a part of your life?
Think long and hard about this one. The answer will tell you all you need to know about what you need to do next. All it comes down to is whether or not he makes you happy.
Wrapping It Up
My husband turns everything around on me, but this is the last time I’m going to let it fly.
This is what your mantra should be from today on. After carefully having gone through all of my points, isn’t it obvious that this is not a healthy environment that you can thrive in?
Being married to a narcissist sucks the energy right out of you day after day, week after week. When is it going to be enough?
His blame-shifting and emotional manipulation are making it difficult for you to react the way you want to. Due to his gaslighting, you’re slowly losing self-respect and your sense of self.
Don’t let this go on any longer. It’s time to start taking responsibility for your actions. As long as you keep idly sitting around, suffering in silence and doing nothing, things will never change.
But, the moment you stick up for yourself and start letting him know that you’re not his punching bag, your life will change.
I can’t say for certain what this means for your marriage, but when you start prioritizing your well-being over his scare tactics, you’ll know what you need to do.