I am starting to believe that those people who say that men and women can’t be just friends are right. I used to be totally against that statement. I always had friends of both genders and hardly ever made any distinction between them. Friends are friends and that’s it. No philosophy needed.
Why am I so confused then about boundaries of friendship when it comes to you? Am I completely delusional or did you give me a reason to think that we are more?
You set the boundaries loud and clear right at the beginning. You said you had just come out of something that almost destroyed you and you couldn’t even think about a relationship at that moment. And delusional me heard the words ‘that moment’ the loudest and kept holding onto them.
I tried to reason with myself, like I always do. I tried to give more meaning to the words, ‘I can’t think about a relationship.’ And that’s where I should’ve put a full stop. I allowed my emotions to overcome my common sense.
Then again, who could blame me? You let me into your life so wholeheartedly. We began to share everything; everyday stuff, like cooking lunch or commenting on one of the series we were hooked on and deeper stuff, like our first and last heartbreaks. You really made me open up and I don’t do that so easily.
I just fell for you. Without even realizing it.
Now I am pressing the Home button on my phone just to see if you texted me back. I know you will eventually. We are texting about something completely unrelated to what might be ‘us’. I never said how I felt about you to your face because I knew you didn’t feel the same.
I know I am being friendzoned. I feel helpless about it. I don’t even know if you are aware of what you are doing to me. But it has to stop. It has to, if we want to keep being friends.
Let’s face it, we have everything couples have and we do everything couples do except the physical part. We are in touch for most of the day. You don’t attend events that I don’t go to. We call each other silly names. You make me feel like I am the only girl in the room every time you pick up on something I’ve said and nobody else has.
Friends don’t hug for this long. Friends don’t flirt. Friends don’t send drunk, “I miss you,” texts at 3 a.m. Friends don’t lead other friends on. You have to see what you are doing to me. You make me melt from the inside out and friends shouldn’t provoke those kinds of feelings.
I am enjoying our non-stop conversations about everything and nothing. I enjoy them and I am scared as hell because that’s everything I ever wanted. Someone I can share my thoughts with. Someone who understands. You don’t even seem to realize how rare and special that is.
The thing that’s killing me is that I know your heart still belongs to somebody who doesn’t deserve it. And I’ll have to make peace with that. I know that I will have to get over you without you even knowing as I don’t want to ruin our friendship.
I am just begging you to stop giving me glimpses of what we could have if you would just let go of the past. You said that we are ‘just friends’ so please stop confusing me by acting like we are something more.