I feel like everyone around me expects me to heal overnight. Like there is that constant pressure in their words that expect me to smile again like nothing ever happened.
I can’t act as if I am feeling OK when I am clearly not. I know I will get there but in my own time.
A broken heart can’t be mended just like that. It didn’t break overnight. It cracked gradually. One piece at a time till it got shattered into pieces. Now it needs time to heal.
So, I am silencing those voices around me that are telling me what I should do. I understand that everybody has their own opinion and a certain picture inside their mind of how things should be.
I know how things should be different. I know I should simply let go and carry on with my life. But what I know and what I feel are not the same.
I keep reminiscing about days I shared with him, good ones and bad ones. The bad side is winning obviously. But somehow it’s easier to concentrate on the good.
I guess that’s what’s holding me back and doesn’t allow me to let him go completely.
I keep replaying all the possible scenarios in my mind. What I should’ve or could’ve said or things I could have done differently, to have reached a different outcome. I know it’s pointless, I know I should stop but I just can’t bring myself to let go.
I know if we had a million chances to get things right, we would still blow them because we were never meant to be. I just need time so my heart can process what my mind already knows.
I already have better days, when I rarely think about you. You are somewhere at the back of my mind but the memories of you don’t have control over what I want to achieve on those days.
They don’t affect the time I am spending with my family and friends.
I also have those terrible days, where I feel depressed and unwilling to do anything, where I feel like I have no strength. But I keep going and I push anyway because I don’t know how to give up.
I’ve been broken before but never like this. Never in such a destructive way.
And all those people telling me I shouldn’t have been with him anyway are not helping; they just bring me down. That’s why I decided to listen to myself, to listen to my gut that’s directing the pace of my healing process.
I will start slowly, take it day by day, one fight after another. There will be days when I will be lucky to get out of bed and just breathe but I will consider that kind of day a win.
There will be days when I will conquer the world and I will feel proud of myself at times like that, so I will go easy on myself.
I will glue, tape and hold together my heart the best way I know how. I will discover who I am without you. I will fight to let you go as much as I fought to make you stay. I will learn from this, I will grow from this.
I will stop obsessing about what might have been and accept things the way they are. I won’t let the pain get the best of me; that’s not an option.
I am better and stronger than my pain and everything that stands in my way to happiness, including my memories of you.
Time will pass. I will take as much time as I need to be better. I will never give up. One day, I will wake up without you on my mind and I will wake up ready to give someone else a chance.
I will wake up free of pain. I will wake up healed.