I admit! I fell in love like crazy, not thinking about tomorrow. I gave my all to you without asking you to reciprocate. I was a fool whom you used for your dirty plans. You were such a good actor. I have never seen someone acting like that, with so many emotions and the power to make people believe in what you want. And you did the same with me, the innocent girl who just wanted to experience some love. I just wanted someone who would take care of me, who would kiss me and hug me because they want it and not to get what they want.
I admit! I made a terrible mistake. I totally lost myself over a toxic man like you. And the moment I gave my all to you, I made a mistake that almost killed me. Living with you, surrounded with your toxic love cost me my nerves, my health and my energy. You were like a vampire sucking all the positive energy from me. You were feeding your poor soul on me, not letting me leave you. During every attempt to leave you, you would tell me that you will change, that you are going through a crisis and that you love me. You knew a great way to deceive a girl who loved you. You knew what to say to make me feel good. You knew when to touch me so I could shiver from pleasure. You knew everything about me because I was like an open book to you. I told you even my darkest secrets while I didn’t have a clue about you. I told you all about my life while you kept your mouth shut. You didn’t want to reveal anything about yourself because there was nothing nice to tell.
I admit! I stayed longer than I should have, just because of your perfect lies. And that is something I can’t forgive myself for. You told me you are going to change but you kept on with your lies and cheating. Whenever you had a chance, you cheated on me while you told me that I was the only woman in your life and that you would be lost without me. With you I never felt pretty enough, worthy enough or smart enough. You were always the one who ran the talk, the one giving suggestions, the one deciding. And I was like a side person, waiting for you to finish and tell you that once more that I agree with you. Nothing was ever by my rules and while living with you, I lost my self-confidence about the things I was good at before.
I admit! A relationship with you was my biggest mistake and I will never forgive myself for staying with you for such a long time. I was a fool for letting you treat me like that. I gave you my all while you couldn’t even try to fight for what we had. You were such a coward for making me stay with you all this time without any intention to give me the love I needed. And you didn’t let me go find someone who would cherish me just the way I am. You wanted to have someone you could cure your frustration with. And that was the woman who loved you with all her heart. Even if you saw that you were hurting me, you didn’t stop even for a second. You didn’t feel any remorse for what you were doing to me and I was too weak to even react to that injustice.
I admit! I gave my love to the man who didn’t deserve it. I gave my all to someone who took my heart and walked all over it. I fell for a man who couldn’t love just one person, to be faithful to only one person. I was crazy in love with a man who couldn’t even fight for me when I wanted him to do that. And in the end, I totally lost myself over a man like that. I completely lost myself over a man who meant the world to me but who closed his eyes to all the love coming from me. And now, after all this time alone, I can finally understand that you were just a lesson I had to learn. You were just someone who showed me what I DON’T deserve.
And I must admit that I learned this lesson in a tough way. I still feel the taste of that toxic love and I am still fighting to be the old me again. But I never lost hope for better days. And I know that a better time will come. Maybe not tomorrow or in a month but it will come. One day, my heart will completely heal and be ready for a real love. One day, I will be the old me again. And I will never let any man treat me like you did.
One day, I will feel the love I craved so much with a man who won’t try to change me. He will just accept me completely and thank you for letting me go.