I thought that when I fell in love with you we would learn to become the best version of ourselves. We were the power couple everyone looked up to. We were two souls who connected to each other. Every fiber of my being loved every beautiful imperfection in you. However, every fiber in you looked at me as if I wasn’t enough.
If I’m being honest with myself, it still burns that we didn’t work out, as I still see our relationship through some distorted rose-colored glasses. I still think of our happily ever after. I still think of the good times. I still see us laughing in the kitchen. I still see us working together to replace the fence that fell down during the storm. I still have images of taking care of you when you were sick. I still see all the wonderful moments we had, and what’s pathetic is that I still see glimpses of our future.
However, now you are just some ghost who haunts me when I’m feeling weak. Now I have to learn to move on without you—to live what feels like half a life without you. I have to learn to be OK with the stupid and selfish decision you have made. I have to learn to live with the fact that what was soulmates to me was an almost love for you. Now we are just strangers in the night exchanging glances when we pass by.
Heartbreak is never easy. However, with you this was different. You told me pretty little lies of wanting to settle down, wanting to have children, and wanting to lead an honest life. However, it still stings to know I wasn’t the one for you. I wasn’t the one for you because at 35 you were nowhere near ready to settle down. While I was ready to accept the future, you decided to close the door. To close the door because you weren’t ready. To close the door because you couldn’t fathom the idea of being with one single woman for the rest of your life. You left me completely bamboozled and my heart shattered into a million pieces.
I thought you were my best friend and realizing you were never my friend was one of the worst days of my life. Best friends don’t lie to each other. Best friends are honest and sincere toward one another. Best friends are empathetic and understand the hardships you’ll endure throughout life. Best friends are persistent and never give up on each other… but that’s exactly what you did.
I often wonder if karma will ever come to bite you in the ass. I often wonder if you feel any sort of culpability for the damage you caused. More importantly, I often wonder when the time will come when I can forgive myself for loving someone so much more than myself. And, again, I often wonder if or when you’ll realize that one good girl is worth far more than a thousand bitches. I often wonder when the day will come when I’ll hear my phone vibrate and the apologies will start pouring in. The day that you come to the recognition that we were supposed to be together. I often wonder when I’ll stop having these wretched fantasies.
I understand that the ride is over. I understand this is for the best, because I deserve the absolute best. However, it still doesn’t help the pain and hurt I feel. It still doesn’t help knowing you gave up the best damn thing in your life for the choices and consequences you weren’t ready to give up. And although we both got off of what was the best ride of our lives to walk in separate directions, my heart still turns around to follow you and your heart. The heaviness in my heart seems overwhelming.
I understand that I am the only one who can fix my heartache. I have to accept your decisions and your selfishness. I know I have to grow and heal my own heart. I know through all the heartache and through all the mistakes we made that this will have a positive outcome. What is a positive is knowing I will find true love. I am in a better mindset for recognizing what is and what is not love. I will find true love with someone who will recognize that I am my own person, he will love that about me and he and I will work together to create a loving and mutually supportive relationship. Heartbreak is painful but it’s only temporary. What’s permanent is the happiness you learn to exhibit from within yourself.
The truth is, it’s hard to forget someone whom you’ve imagined spending forever with.