Do you know how it feels to love someone you know will never love you back? Do you know how it feels falling in love while trying so hard not to? Do you know how it feels falling for someone you know will never be yours?
You feel empty.
You feel broken.
From the first moment to the last. From the first time you laid your eyes on them to the last time you promised yourself not to think about them again. And then you break that promise every day, every hour and every minute. And hope breaks you back.
You feel hollowed.
You feel tired.
You are trying so hard not to have hopes but that foolish love gets you every time. When you wake up in bed alone, it’s so easy to imagine him being by your side. It’s so easy to feel his palm pressed against your cheek. And when the loneliness hits you, when you touch the cold, empty bed, you realize once more that your heart played games on your mind. You realize once more that it was your heart that broke itself.
You feel exhausted.
You feel consumed.
Consumed by your own love for the man who will never be yours. Consumed by all the times you swore to move on and you still went back. By all the times your heart started racing when you saw him and then dropped the moment he left. By all the times life made clear that the two of you are just not meant to be, yet you are still hoping. You are still believing, even though you know damn well there’s nothing to hope for. But how are you going to survive if you don’t? How am I going to survive?
You feel lost.
You feel beaten.
Not because there was something you lost or because there was something that went wrong. It never even started in the first place and that’s what kills you. There was nothing to lose, because you never had it. All that unconditional love you had and all those dreams you dreamed will never see the light of the day.
You keep them safe, stored inside the walls of your own universe, hoping they will never get out. Hoping no one will see them, so no one will know how badly you are hurting. Because you know what they are going to say. You know how they are going to judge. So, you love and hurt in silence, while screams are echoing inside your soul. Screams of unanswered prayers and unreturned expressions of love.
You feel terrified.
You feel drained.
When is this going to end? When is this torturous love going to stop? You are asking the same question over and over again, terrified of the answer you might get. Terrified of letting it go, because it will mean that it never existed. It will mean that you loved in vain. It will mean that you hoped in vain. And you are not ready to face it. You are not ready to give it away.
But you need to.
I need to.
We both know that we deserve more than this hell we are going through. We both know that we deserve more than feeling empty all the time. We deserve that love that will fill us up with joy and make us feel like we can conquer the world. We deserve that love that will love us back, love that won’t break us.
We deserve to be happy.
We deserve to be loved.