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This Is What Happens When You Seek Approval From Your Narcissistic Parent

This Is What Happens When You Seek Approval From Your Narcissistic Parent

Have you ever been humiliated by others?

Have you ever been told you were not good enough?

Have you ever been ignored by the people you loved deeply?

I will be the first one to admit it. All of those things have happened in my life for as long as I can remember. I looked confident and relaxed on the outside but reality was anything but that. The reality was that I was terrified. I was terrified that I was just not worthy of anything.

I was born and raised in a narcissistically abusive home. Growing up in this kind of environment involves a lot of manipulation and brainwashing. I was called names and my childhood was sad. I was told that I was stupid, ugly and weak.

My narcissistic mother tried to convince me of all of those things so much. As I child, I was always very excited to try and learn new things. But every time I would fail, my mother would mock me and shame me.

Nobody was there for me to let me know that failure was a normal part of life.

I recall one time when I participated in a school play. I prepared myself so well and I put a lot of effort into putting on a great show. As soon as the performance ended, I rushed to my mother because I wanted to see if she was proud of me. I desperately needed her validation.

But the only thing my mother told me after the performance was, “You sucked!”

I saw huge dissatisfaction on her face. She looked at me as if I was the most useless child in the world. My eyes filled with tears and my voice trembled. I barely said, “I am so sorry…”

It was so painful for me to feel no love from the person I loved deeply. My heart raced so quickly and all I wanted from her was a big hug. I wanted to feel loved so badly. But I never got that love. She was cold as ice and evil like the devil himself. She never loved me.

I saw other kids being praised by their parents and I stood there all alone. It was the end of the world for me.

Then when I got older, I would pretend that I was outgoing and confident. But whenever I came across a challenge, I was afraid to take it. I was afraid to try and to fail. I would imagine in my mind how my mother would have laughed at me and humiliated me if I had failed one more time.

I actually started believing in everything that my mother used to say. I was stuck, thinking that I was a complete failure.

I knew somewhere really, really deep down in my heart that I was not the girl that my mother would say I was. I was not stupid. I was not ugly. I was not weak. But my childhood had been spent in holding back and not using my talents because I did not believe in myself.

Looking back, I realize that I could not see how special I was. Because all of us who go through narcissistic abuse are indeed special.

I was told I was weak. But I was not even close to that. Weak people don’t pick themselves up over and over and over again when they fail.

I was never weak. Weak people cannot go through the things I went through and be around to talk about it. There are no weak people like that. None!

There was something in me that kept me going. I had a heart that pushed me forward to get up each morning and face the world for another day. And that, my friend, is not a weak person.
I stopped seeking validation from my narcissistic parent. I found validation within myself. And what is most important is that I found peace, too.