Long time ago I dated a man, and boy did he know how to make me feel awful countless times. I would end up wondering what I did or said to make him upset.
Picture this: we are having our usual after-work drink, and I start complaining about the project I was assigned recently, he is nodding and listening carefully.
– “Enough about me. How was your day?” I asked at the end of my tirade.
– “You mean at my dead-end job. Same old hustle. Had 0 intellectual problems.” The irony was piercing the air.
– “Are you being sarcastic or what?”
– “No, Chris, I’m dead serious.”
– “…” I serve him a long gaze with a floating question mark.
– “You obviously have no idea about the real-life problems.”
– “What do you mean by that?!”
– “Little miss project manager has so many tasks to complete, oh poor you.”
I would become quiet, unsure of what to say next. I’ve felt uncomfortable but then I would think he might feel insecure as I get more paid and my job is kind of more respectful. He was just a peasant worker. I would try to cheer him up by changing the subject but his mood would stay the same.
Girl, believe me, you want to skip this type of relationship in your life! It’ll give you nothing but the ugly feeling in your stomach, get on your nerves, and make you feel confused for no reason at all.
So, make sure to answer these questions honestly! If you say yes too many times, then immediately start creating an escape plan – you’ve been dating a toxic insecurity. So let’s start with the first sign: is he…
1. Unable to accept or give compliments?
“Oh don’t mention it, I was just very lucky.”
He becomes uncomfortable when you compliment him. Compliments sometimes evoke anxiety in insecure people. Any attempt to praise him will be turned into a joke. You won’t get a “thank you”, either.
Also, he is hard on compliments towards others’ accomplishments. Envious, and unconfident, he secretly always compares himself to others.
However, pay attention, he might just be unaware of his qualities, not necessarily insecure.
2. Competitive perfectionist, prone to criticizing?
“I’ve never seen someone peeling the orange in that way, do it like this, it’s easier.”
His expectations are high and he’s sometimes unable to appreciate himself. Nor you. He wants you to be perfect, too. He rarely gives compliments and instead highlights flaws or shortcomings. He will even criticize your appearance sometimes.
This person can not be happy for your wins. He will not be supportive when you try to succeed in something or improve yourself in any way. Your achievements are ignored or downplayed.
Insecure men are frustrated and angry so putting you down gives them a sense of power. You can expect him to throw a shade on your abilities, too.
3. Emotionally immature?
“Real men don’t cry.”
Showing emotions feels unpleasant, as he believes he’d appear weak if he showed his sensitive side, or god forbid cried. He’s also afraid of not being accepted for who he is.
Mature, confident men are not ashamed of showing their emotions as they’re in touch with their vulnerable side.
4. Too insecure to notice the side effects of it?
“It’s not my fault you are not a good listener. And you seem bored when I talk.”
Being so insecure he is unable to maintain a healthy relationship. Also, he fails to notice all of the side effects his insecurity transmits on the two of you.
My ex was blind to notice the impact his self-doubt had on our relationship. If he’d thought about resolving his self-confidence issues maybe today he wouldn’t be my ex.
5. Does he need praise and hates being criticized?
“You don’t like my choices, too bad I’m not good enough for you. “
Other people’s validation is his food. It fills an internal emptiness he feels. On the other hand, at the slightest hint of a critique, he goes into defense mode. It’s taken as a personal attack and crushes his ego.
Try convincing him to work on his self-image and help him accept and love himself.
6. Afraid of both failure and success?
“If it wasn’t for the stupid traffic jam, I wouldn’t be late for a meeting. Yeah, I left on time, what do you mean?”
The unhealthy individual is incapable of handling emotions related to failure and success. Every mistake provokes anxiety and he feels attacked. So he passes guilt to an object or a person.
Even when succeeding he can’t simply enjoy it. It feels like he’s losing ground, he thinks he did not deserve success, and he might even struggle with imposter syndrome.
Instead of trying to accept the emotions, he chooses to close down.
7. Jealous much?
“He was so blatantly flirting with you! Gay? He’s just pretending so he can come closer to you.”
He gets very upset when you talk to other men, explaining how it’s them he doesn’t trust. He always believes every man is hitting on you and usually gets mad when you’re off to any place where there are men. Like the gym, for example.
Chats with your male friends will become a threat in his eyes. He will make comments about your outfit, especially if you tend to wear tight clothes. He is paranoid that every man will check you out.
8. Does he find a safe place in addiction?
“You must be joking, I only had a couple of drinks!”
Every time we were out, my ex would get really tipsy.
When unable to accept who he is, he looks for ways to escape reality. He’ll create a better version of himself with alcohol, psychoactive substances, gambling, or some other addiction.
Any sign of addiction – woman, be ready to run. Trust me, you don’t need an addict in your life!
9. Prone to alienation?
“Sorry, I’m not in the mood today. I just need some alone time.”
Every now and then, he goes into a hermit mode and you’re not able to reach him. The lack of confidence makes him scared to go out and face other people.
He never likes to speak about his low moods, and the second you attempt to address an issue will feel like opening the hellgate.
If you try to talk, you might get flooded with harsh words. He will only aim to hurt you and will deflect any responsibility.
So my dear, make sure you learn from my mistakes!
It took me several months to realize I was not the problem. Being way too supportive and full of understanding I would be shocked with reactions loaded with poisonous comments.
After one, out of many fights, I called it quits and moved on! I instantly felt lighter and not to mention happier and relieved.