I have a friend, we’ll call her Lisa, an elegant, confident woman shining in her forties. She wasn’t always like this, though. I’ve witnessed awfully rough times concerning her love life – just a few ups and bountiful downs.
– “While I was young I imagined myself in my forties as married with two kids living in a cozy suburban house. Now that I am getting close to that age I feel like a walking failure – divorced twice, no kids, living in a tiny condo.”
Sounds familiar?
This was Lisa three years ago, desperate, wondering how it all went wrong. She would spend evenings crying on my sofa. You can imagine the level of frustration she felt, can you? All caused by how her life turned out.
Then she started seeing therapists, even tried yoga and mindfulness techniques. After some time she reinvented herself and shifted her views on dating and relationships. Be like Lisa – learn from your mistakes! These are her tips on how to build healthy relationships and enjoy life to the fullest!
Identify pain points!
I was overdoing it! I was desperately searching for someone to fill in the gap that emerged after my second divorce.
The first step is to spot all the pain points – mistakes you are repeating over and over again. After decades in corporate law, Lisa’s mindset was trained to push too hard. She wouldn’t allow for things to spontaneously happen, but instead, she would pursue love by aggressively dating, meeting people through dating apps, or even matchmakers.
She was overdoing it as she did in both her marriages, failing to notice both of her ex-husbands were living “double lives”. Sometimes life can be tough, but you must never give up on yourself! Life is also full of twists and turns. You never know where they will take you.
Then she stumbled upon a compelling quote in a local wine shop: Life is a balance of making it happen and letting it happen. Quite simple, but with such a revealing effect, Lisa suddenly felt the urge to change her behavior patterns and found a new angle.
Focus on your own happiness!
While I was frantically chasing relationship prospects, I forgot to stay present in my life!
Finally, she allowed herself to take a deep breath first. And then she went slowly, step by step. Shifting her focus onto other small life pleasures made her deprioritize dating. She turned off notifications from dating apps, and would check them only occasionally.
Set yourself free. Enjoy life. Get out hiking with friends, plant a tree, read books, join art therapy sessions… There are many joyful activities besides dating.
Dating can still be an important part of your life but don’t let it dominate over. Don’t rush things out! Take it slowly. Plan a date once a week and give yourself a chance to crave for him. The amount of delight when you meet him will double that way.
Tune into yourself and try to identify your thoughts and feelings during the date. Pay attention to his behavior, gestures, or words. Does it feel right? Can you be yourself in front of him? Share your observations with friends and family. Maybe you will get an even better perspective.
Learn how to nurture a healthy relationship
When I first met my now fiance, for the first time after many years I was free of high expectations. I was just hoping to have a nice chat and enjoy the dinner.
They continued seeing each other once a week, and then, after several months, committed to a relationship.
She was finally able to discover how the relationship develops over time. By giving herself a chance to take things slowly, she was able to meet him more thoroughly, to listen about his friends, parents, life experiences, attitudes and thoughts, without the usual rush.
As she allowed herself to relish the moment without hurrying into the future, she became more eligible to understand herself better. By knowing herself, she was able to maintain a healthy relationship.
So, long story short, they have been together for almost two years and got engaged recently.
All of Lisa’s failures were lessons and a path to today’s version of herself and her ability to love and be loved. Admittedly, she wouldn’t have done it differently even if she could.
To change circumstances we must first change beliefs. Potential for change and personal development lies within us. But please remember to breathe first.