She always sits there, in silence, wrapped up in her thoughts. Thoughts of sadness… That sadness turns into anger, that anger turns into tears, until she falls asleep from exhaustion.
She knows how it goes, it always ends up the same way, she no longer needs to predict it, it’s already in front of her, laughing in her face, that sinking feeling in her stomach that’s all too familiar, a familiarity that haunts her, time and time again. That feeling of complete rejection, uncertainty and a loss of self-worth.
She asks herself, “Why am I never good enough?!”
She’s a positive woman, she loves to laugh, she’s caring, loving, playful. She’s thoughtful, fun and passionate. She knows her-self worth… But why can’t they see it? Why does she get left hurt, in pain and alone?
She has tried playing many different roles to fit the mold of someone else; she’s been the feisty, independent woman who so many men seek, she’s played it cool, she’s played it not so cool; she ends up being every single character that she is not.
Be yourself always… But what happens when she does? Nothing… It all plays out the same way.
There’s only so many times you can put to the back of your mind that ‘it’s not you’ but what if it is? What if there is something wrong with her, something that others don’t really want to connect with? Is she not attractive enough? Does she not hold herself correctly? Do men only see ‘sex’ when they look at her and back off when they realize there is more to her than body parts? Why can’t she keep anyone locked in?
She is told, “There’s nothing wrong with you, there’s something wrong with them!” What is it with every guy she meets? Maybe it’s true, maybe she is attracting the wrong guys but how would she even know anymore? Reality and fantasy blur into one until she’s blindsided.
She takes a long look at herself in the mirror to try and analyze what she’s doing wrong. Why she is never good enough for someone. Why every time she tries to get close to someone she ends up in the same gut-wrenching situation as the many times before.
She is so used to this feeling, she has become numb; she has become so accustomed to being disappointed that she doesn’t even expect it anymore, she just knows. She is despondent.
Now, she tries to run from anyone who comes within a mile of her because she is afraid of being rejected all over again; she doesn’t want to sit in her room alone, crying because she’s never enough. She doesn’t want to sit looking at her phone, waiting for the inevitable to happen… She knows the drill… The call or text that never comes… Or the message to tell her what she’s been feeling all along. The overbearing message that she will never be good enough for anyone.
This is a puzzle that she will never understand or conquer, this is something that is now built into her—sad but true.
How is she to trust? How is she to know when someone is being genuine with her? How is she to know that she is good enough for someone if all she’s ever seen, known and feared is the worst?
She gets told that they will call… The call never happens, the excuses come tenfold, the dates get canceled, the second, third and fourth chances are given and abused, the texts get fewer until communication stops altogether. The promises are never kept but buried deep in the ocean somewhere. How is she meant to work with that? How is she meant to feel after this? How is she meant to believe that she is enough?! She’s not to them.
She is drowning, she is confused, she is always the one to walk away because she panics when she senses what she feels is the inevitable—so she leaves before she gets left.
When she does walk away, they come running after her… It’s like they keep her on elastic. They suddenly want to know this intriguing woman after she’s turned her back on what’s hurting her. She is so desperate to see the good in people, she gives them more chances than they deserve. Then they let her down all over again. And you see… This isn’t a one-off occurrence; this, unfortunately, is her life now.
Every day she repeatedly asks why she isn’t good enough and every time she asks herself that, a piece of her cracks, until one day, she will be completely broken.
What each of these ‘men’ doesn’t realize is that the girl they have hurt so much, no matter how small it builds inside of her, there is no going back once she has lost trust, hope and respect for them. Once she has lost that, a little bit of her light dims until she picks herself back up again. This is a pattern she knows like the back of her hand.
Each piece of her self-esteem they have chipped away at only makes it harder for the right guy to knock her walls down. She is not fragile but strong but even strong women can end up unsteady on their feet.
To her, there will always be someone better than her because she has never been shown otherwise. She knows what she can offer—and it is misused until there’s nothing left.
To her, this treatment is what she should expect from every guy she lets into her life, right?
She hasn’t lost herself, she has lost faith in finding a good man, a man who feels her, understands her, wants her. A man who truly will love her, protect her and be there for her. How long can she wait for the man who tells her, “You are enough”?!
She wants to be somebody’s, she doesn’t want to be a lone wolf anymore. She wants to belong to and grow with someone. She’s not asking for the world but just a piece of it.
She wants someone to dry her tears, not create them. She is not a toy, she is not an emotional punch bag. She’s a good girl, with a good heart. She deserves to be loved.
She who reads this, who has experienced the same as the girl writing this, will know this feeling all too well, just like she does. It’s overwhelming, exhausting, challenging and, most of all, disheartening.
Nobody should feel alone, to feel like an option, to be made to feel unwanted or to question who they are.
Maybe people like me are destined to be alone, maybe there will never come a day when I will be swept off my feet like the others. Maybe, just maybe, I have to be enough for me. I am fine with that—just don’t mess me up along the way.
I am ‘she’ and they are ‘them’; maybe one day my faith will be restored but until that day, my heart is staying safely under lock and key because being alone is where I am safest.
by Leya Hutton