I am an insecure woman. Not because I think I’m less worthy than someone else, not because I think of myself as ugly or stupid, but simply because I think that there is always someone better than me. So, I am afraid that you might be aware of that too and that you might leave me for someone who is simply more suited to you than I am.
That thought is driving me crazy. The thought of you with someone else in your arms drives me nuts and I know that you always get too upset with me because you don’t understand my fears but please try to understand.
I have grown up with the thought that I am hard to love. For a lot of reasons that have been repeated to me and because of a lot of misunderstandings, I have never thought of myself as someone who is easy to love. Growing up with abandonment issues and always afraid of the thought that I might die alone, I have grown to be insecure to the point where I will do anything needed just to keep you by my side.
So, what exactly makes me so hard to love?
Jealousy. The constant jealousy. I know, rationally, that you don’t have any kind of relationship with other women, I know that you don’t even look in their direction and I know that you don’t even text them but just the thought of it is killing me. Sometimes it’s even that friendly, beautiful neighbor who brings us cakes—that makes me burst into tears because I see you smiling at her. The irrational part of me is telling me that each and every one of those women out there could make you choose them over me.
Reassurance. It is not a bad thing, it’s needed in every relationship. All until the point where I get too attached. I keep on asking you if you’re still in love with me too many times a day and I keep on crying if you tell me to stop asking. I simply can’t handle the thought of you leaving, so I need you to reassure me that you will stay by my side no matter what. But with always asking these questions, I seem to scare you away even more.
I make problems out of nothing. It’s hard to watch you talk to your assistant at work, who’s this amazing woman with an amazing figure, and not make a scene out of it. I have never seen you touch her and I have never heard a word from your co-workers but that doesn’t change the fact that I hate her around you. Yes, I think that these things are bullshit too but I can’t stop my toxic thoughts.
I am so sorry for all the scenes I’ve made in public and all those times my silent treatment made you think that I stopped loving you. I’m sorry that sometimes you can’t deal with my mood swings and that I seem cold. But it is all because I am insecure.
I know that you mean well. I know that your compliments are there to make me feel better but I simply do not know how to receive a genuine compliment. When you say that I am beautiful, I don’t see that. When you say that I am sexy, I don’t get it. It’s like having everything, all the happiness in the world, in front of you but your eyes are blinded by insecurities that don’t allow you to see it. That’s how I feel.
But thank you for sticking around. You make it seem so easy and effortless. You love the whole me, without giving up on us. You see the true me behind all my jealousy, my tears and my insecurities. You see who I really am and you love that part of me.
Maybe insecure women aren’t that hard to love after all? For the sake of being happy with myself, I will try to love myself too, no matter how much effort it might take me. I will learn to love myself, so one day I can see my own beauty too.