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You Will Always Be My “What If”

You Will Always Be My “What If”

“Your memory feels like home to me. So whenever my mind wanders, it always finds its way back to you.” ― Ranata Suzuki

Some people never leave your heart.

There’s something indescribable that keeps getting deeper and deeper to the point where it just becomes the part of you.

You know who they are because you get that lump in your throat every time you think of them.

Sometimes your eyes get teary just because you see or hear something that reminds you of them.

Years fly by, everything changes, but that something stays with you.

They said we were too young to know, but I knew exactly how I felt and I guess you’re never too young to feel true love after all.

When I accidentally heard your voice again it brought back everything we said to each other during those summer nights in our small town when I wished we could stay like that forever.

young couple during summer night sitting drinking tea in front of a bonfire

That didn’t happen. The town got even smaller and you wanted to be somewhere else. I didn’t blame you.

We were young and we were immersed in each other and nothing else existed.

We were naive, innocent, and knew nothing of what life would become after that.

I held your hand and trusted you like you were somehow older and smarter than me. You kissed my face and made me laugh like I was the only girl in that small town.

You were the first person to tell me I love you; I was the first one to tell you I’m yours.

I wasn’t wrong because you’ve stayed with me after all these years.

After all these years of asking myself: What if? What if you’d stayed? What if I’d left with you?

It’s pointless, but imagining the different times and places where we’re together sometimes gives me comfort.

pensive woman's face in focus wearing bandana in her head

I’ve always hoped you ask yourself the same.

You’re the one who got away. I’m the one who stayed the same.

There was no happy ending and it seems there is no end at all.

You will always be my what if and I will always secretly think of you and wish things had turned out some other way.

It’s painful loving someone from afar but I’m happy I had you in my life because you brought me so much joy that I forgot bad things existed.

Still, I think it’s time to let you go. I know I said you’ll forever be a part of me, but I wasn’t talking about love – I was talking about the idea of us.

The idea of us that makes every other relationship seem like it’s not enough. That’s why I need to let go. I need to move on with my life.

young thoughtful woman sitting by the table with hands placed on top looking at the outside of the window

We were not meant to be together. Who knows what would have happened if we were? I don’t know and I shouldn’t cling to whatever my mind comes up with when I feel the longing.

The longing for understanding without words, loving without fear, caring without expecting anything in return. The ideal love.

I know that’s too sentimental, but I can’t help but think about it.

One day, all of this will be just a happy thought, with no sadness and longing.

One day I will learn to give myself the love I deserve. I will know that I’m enough on my own.

All my longings will vanish because I’ll experience the love I’ve always dreamed about.

I will find you in things I love but I won’t let myself spiral into thinking you could’ve somehow completed me.

You’re the tiny light that showed me ways to do it and for that I’m thankful but now I know I’m already complete.

You Will Always Be My "What If"