A long time ago, I heard a saying that actions speak louder than words but it took me a while to actually understand that.
While I was in a relationship with you, I trusted you enough to let you hurt me. I was totally open about my plans and my actions while you were the one who would say one thing and do something totally opposite.
And you know what the worst part was?
You would always away with things like that. Every time you saw that I was angry and that I was about to end what we had, you would come to me, promising stars and the moon.
And every time, I would fall for your sweet lies and your hugs that made me shiver. Every time, I would give myself to you thinking that you will change, that my love will change you.
But that never happened. I wasn’t so important to you to fight for me like your life depends on it. And you managed to hurt me with every action.
You put me through unthinkable emotional pain and even if I told you that you were doing me harm, you didn’t stop. You just continued doing things that were good for you, not even feeling remorse for the pain you caused me.
I still remember your verbal abuse and putting me down every time you didn’t like something I did. Nothing that I would do for us worked for you and you thought that you were the only one who should make important decisions.
You said that you loved me; then you cheated on me.
You said that I was important to you; then you would belittle me in front of my friends.
You said that we will last forever; then you betrayed our love with the first woman you met.
You lied to me everyday just to get what you wanted and I was so blind in love that I couldn’t see it. I refused to believe that you didn’t love me enough and that I didn’t matter to you.
I was still living in my world of fantasy thinking that you will change and that you will start loving me just like you did at the beginning of our relationship. But that never happened.
You didn’t want to fight for me. You didn’t want to chase me because I was already yours. But the catch is that you should have chased me even if I was yours because that is the point of love.
It is all about trying and fighting for your loved one. It is all about small things because they matter the most.
And that was all that I wanted—just a couple of small things to keep me alive. I just needed one small proof that you cared about me and that you wanted us to succeed.
I wanted you to fight for me, but you couldn’t even do that.
You hurt me so many times and then you would use your words to justify your actions. But actions can be justified only with actions.
Your sweet words that you will change meant nothing to me because I didn’t have any proof you would do that. I was sick and tired of your manipulation, gaslighting, lying, and controlling.
I just wanted to get away from you and from all that you represented. And that was what I did in the end.
Once I saw that you will never change and that you will always try to make a fool out of me, I decided to break free from you.
But I must admit that it wasn’t easy to do. There were times when I wished you had never existed and there were times when I felt the same about myself.
That’s how hard you hurt me. You were the man I loved the most, but at the same time, you were the one who beat me to an emotional death.
And while I was thinking about the aftermath of my relationship with you, I realized that you took all the best out of me.
You drained all the energy out of me and I was left totally numb. Just because I was trying to protect myself from possible emotional pain another man could do to me, I totally cut myself off from my feelings.
I blocked them and I didn’t allow anyone to come close to my heart. I made high and thick walls around me so I won’t get hurt again. In that way, I missed the chance to love and to be loved again.
And when I saw what I did, I woke up from a bad dream I had been part of for a long time. I realized that even if you lied to me and did all those nasty things, that I should move on with my life.
Accepting that it happened to me was the first stage of healing after escaping a toxic relationship, but I definitely needed to recover completely.
After all that you did to me, I promised myself that I will love again, hoping that another man in my life won’t be anything like you. I promised myself that I will open my heart to love despite all the fears and trust issues.
I promised myself that I will love again despite all the emotional wounds that were still present. And by doing that, I could finally move away from you. Because by opening my heart to a new love, I could heal my wounds and be the old me again.
I promised myself that I will love again, with all my heart and that I will never let any man hurt me like you did. I decided to move on and to be a happy and loved woman again.
And I know that seeing me like that will be my best revenge to you.