People are aching for places they never been to, craving things others have, being afraid of the things that haven’t happened yet—so why couldn’t you be missing somebody who isn’t yours?
The idea of not having somebody and wanting them is skittish, to say the least. People mostly see it as suffering desire, but there is another side to it.
Wanting somebody who is not yours is full of “what if” questions. It’s knitted with imagination and it’s what occupies your brain twenty-five hours a day.
Yes, there are only twenty-four hours a day, but you think about the person you miss twenty-five hours a day.
The catch with not knowing what somebody that you want just for yourself wants is the feeling of having one piece of a jigsaw that fits into more than one place.
What does his gaze towards you in a room full of people mean? He has the need to touch you—your hair, your arm, put his hand on your waist when he is trying to move past you, to make you notice him.
You’re not crazy—he is doing all these things. Little does he know that even a small stupid conversation means so much to you. All this is like a promise of a together future but never spoken out loud.
Little did he know that when you send even the smallest signal of affection to a person that has a vivid imagination, you’re simultaneously giving that person the permission to miss you.
When you get to think about it, it does make sense. Who’s there to stop a person from daydreaming?
You picture him having eyes only for you. You wish to sit next to him at a dinner while being smart and funny. You think of him having eyes only for you, and you fantasize about this epic love.
Because there is a part of you that you haven’t yet shown to the world. Because there is much more to you than people are able to see.
The furthest place your imagination goes is not down the sexual road, but you believe that he’ll manage to see the true you—the one that deserves all the love in this world.
Missing him comes in waves and tonight you are drowning. The only thing that’s keeping you from swimming is the fear that you don’t have the permission to miss him.
That fear feels like you have a stone tied to your legs. To miss him doesn’t make sense, but when did anything about feelings make sense?
You’re allowed to have feelings for him even though they are messy. You’re allowed to wake up in the morning and stay a bit longer in the bed daydreaming about him.
You’re allowed to miss the days that you haven’t had with him. You’re allowed to look forward and crave happiness that you still haven’t experienced with him.
You’re allowed to look forward to your next meeting and to wish for the happiness that comes together with him choosing you. You’re not crazy for missing him even though he is not yours.
The heart wants what it wants.
