Have You just found out that your spouse had an extramarital affair? I assume you’re on a real emotional rollercoaster right now, but are you also aware that you have to confront them sooner or later?
Here are 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse that will help you understand their reasons.
You’re in a really difficult situation here, and I can’t even imagine how much it hurts. This isn’t just another one of those casual “rough patches” that all married couples experience.
This is something that can end your marriage for good.
For most of us, marriage isn’t just a piece of paper. It’s something sacred, and it’s simply a vow to God that we will love, respect, and cherish that one person for the rest of our lives.
Unfortunately, some don’t think the same, and they simply don’t feel bad if they break that sacred vow and hurt their loved one.
Of course, we’re all human beings, and sometimes we all experience weak moments in life when we’re unable to think clearly.
In those moments, we’re all prone to making some bad decisions and wrong choices.
The bottom line is that we all make mistakes and deserve to be given a second chance. However, before you confront your spouse, you have to rethink your marriage and process your feelings in peace.
The good news is that your marriage can be saved even after such a betrayal. Surviving infidelity is emotionally draining.
Rebuilding trust is very difficult, but if both partners are ready to put some effort in, it’s possible to move on and leave all the bad behind.
Top 10 Questions To Ask Your Unfaithful Spouse
Now, you probably want to confront your unfaithful partner, but you don’t know how to do it and what should you even ask them, right?
These 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse below will help you confront them and find out more about the affair.
Did you think about me even for a second?
As I’ve already said, we all sometimes make some decisions that we aren’t so proud of.
However, before every decision we make, we should think about its consequences and how it may affect the people we love and care for.
If your partner has been cheating on you for some time, it’s a sign they didn’t care about your feelings.
Maybe they did, but they just thought that you’d never find out about their affair and that what you don’t know can’t hurt you.
Did you feel guilty at all?
If your partner shows signs of remorse, it’s a clear sign they still love you and that they’ve just made a huge mistake that they’ll regret for the rest of their life.
On the other hand, if you don’t see any signs of remorse, that shows your spouse doesn’t care for you at all.
They also don’t care about the future of your marriage, and they will probably cheat on you again sooner or later.
Are you sorry for cheating or sorry you got caught?
When I started compiling this list of 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse, this question was the first one that came to mind.
Unfortunately, some cheaters don’t feel sorry for their actions. They only feel sorry for not being careful enough and getting caught in the end.
If that’s the case with your spouse, then this probably isn’t the first time they’ve cheated on you, and it definitely won’t be the last. It’s obvious that they don’t genuinely love you.
What made you have an affair?
Ask your spouse what they were missing in your marriage that made them have an emotional affair with another person.
One of the most common reasons people cheat is because they’re missing something in their current relationship, and they try to find it by getting involved in another emotional affair.
However, no matter what your partner’s answer to this question is, don’t blame yourself for their betrayal. They should come to you and tell you what’s bothering them and what they are missing in your marriage.
Do you have romantic feelings for this person?
If it was just a mistake, your partner shouldn’t have caught any romantic feelings for the other person.
However, if they say that they started catching feelings for that third person, or even worse if they started falling in love, that would mean that your marriage has come to an end.
The only thing you can do is come to terms with the fact that your relationship has ended and that you have to move on with your life with or without your spouse.
Was it a one-time thing, or were you seeing that person for a while?
My advice is not to ask too much about their affair partner or their affair in general.
However, this is an important question to ask because it can reveal if your spouse had enough time to catch feelings for the third person.
Most relationship experts agree that it’s easier for spouses to forgive a one-time affair than something that lasted for a greater period of time.
Did you two ever talk about the future?
This is a very important question to ask your cheating spouse. If they saw their affair partner for some time and talked about their future together, things are pretty clear there.
It means that it wasn’t just a one-time thing and that they planned to be and to stay together in the future. Unfortunately, then it’s an obvious sign your spouse doesn’t love you at all.
On the other hand, if it was a mistake, they probably didn’t have time to talk about the future because it probably was a one-time thing.
That would also be a good sign that your spouse didn’t catch feelings for their affair partner.
How would you feel if I did the same thing to you?
In this list of 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse, this one is my favorite. Just ask your spouse to imagine how they would feel and what their reaction would be if things were reversed.
This is a very important question to ask a cheater because it will make them think about their mistake. Let them just imagine how they would feel if you had cheated on them.
It really hurts just to think about being betrayed by your loved one in such a way. This is just a hypothetical question, don’t start thinking about getting even with them because it won’t do you any good.
I know this can put you in “cheating beast mode,” but trust me, evening the score won’t make you feel any better. It can only make your healing and reconciliation process a lot more complicated.
Do you really think you deserve forgiveness?
The previous question will make the answer to this question a lot easier for them. I mean easier to answer, not easier to handle.
If your cheating spouse loves you honestly and if they have regrets for what they did to you, they will have a negative answer to this question.
Infidelity isn’t something that can be forgiven so easily. A person needs to show signs of remorse, and they should try to prove they’ve changed and that they will never hurt their partner ever again.
You really need to earn someone’s forgiveness after you betray them in this way.
That’s why an honest person, a partner who loves and respects you, won’t ever say that they deserve your forgiveness before they show it through their actions.
Are you willing to go to marriage counseling to save this marriage?
If your cheating husband/wife doesn’t want to visit a marriage counselor and try to fix your marriage problem in that way, it’s a clear sign that they neither love nor respect you enough.
They’ve made a mistake, and they should be finding solutions to make your marriage work again.
If you’ve decided to forgive them for cheating and to move on with them, the least they can do is go to marriage counseling with you.
See also: How Do Cheaters Feel About Themselves? 17 Answers And Myths Debunked
How To Confront A Cheating Spouse: 10 Efficient Tips
Confronting an unfaithful partner is never an easy job.
We have so much to tell them, but we’re aware that we shouldn’t act in anger and that we should choose our words carefully so we don’t say something we could regret later.
That’s why it’s never a good idea to confront your cheating spouse the moment you find out about their betrayal. Cool down before you decide to confront them.
Prepare all the proof you have
The worst thing you can do is confront your partner without having any real or solid proof about their extramarital affair.
It could only go in their favor, and it’ll be easier for them to shift the blame onto you or make you believe that you’re just imagining it all.
As the famous relationship coach, Sheri Meyers, said, “Without proof, you will look (or be treated) like a distrusting fool at best and, at worst, you will ensure that your cheating partner learns to cover their tracks better.”
You can never point your finger at someone before you’re completely sure that you have strong proof that person is guilty. Otherwise, your words won’t have real value, and it’ll all be pointless.
RELATED: How To Catch A Cheater In 12 Bulletproof Ways
Don’t beat around the bush
Be direct when you confront your partner about their cheating. You’re dealing with a serious marriage problem here, and those kinds of things need to be solved as quickly as possible.
However, it would be a good idea to allow your partner to admit it all to you by themselves. Everything would be so much easier if they decided to finally come clean.
You can ask your partner if they are going to give you an honest answer if you ask them a very serious and important question.
Then you can ask them if they did anything bad to you, anything that could hurt your feelings.
If they choose to keep quiet about it and deny it, you should confront them with your evidence directly.
Tell them that you know they’ve been cheating on you for some time now and that the worst thing is that they wanted to keep hiding it and lying about it.
Stay calm
Before talking with your cheating spouse about their betrayal, you need to calm yourself down. Take some quiet time, cool down, process your feelings in peace…
You’re feeling a whole range of different emotions right now, I know. That’s why you need to cleanse your mind and do an emotional detox.
It’s particularly important to remain calm during your confrontation.
You’re standing at a crossroads in your marriage right now, and you can’t afford to act in anger and take any wrong steps or make bad decisions.
Don’t ever let your anger control you!
You have to be in control of your emotions, not the other way around. I know your feelings are so mixed up at the moment, but I also know that anger is definitely prevailing.
It’s normal to feel angry, disappointed, and hurt. It’s okay to cry or break some glasses, do whatever you think might help you.
It’s good to let those emotions out because suppressing and bottling them up would be so wrong and deeply toxic for you. However, you should have control over them even after they come to the surface.
Don’t let your negative emotions control or dictate the future of your marriage.
Confronting a cheater is the most difficult task for a betrayed spouse, and you really need to be calm if you want to work it out with your partner.
Be prepared for their reaction
The cheater always tries to deny everything in the beginning.
They aren’t sure about the evidence the other person has, and they think they shouldn’t rat themselves out before they’re completely sure that the other person knows about their affair for sure.
In the beginning, they might even pretend they’re very shocked and disappointed because you doubt their loyalty.
Then, they’ll try to get out of that situation by using some lame excuses and by shifting the blame back onto you.
In the end, they’ll finally admit it all once they realize they’ve been caught. They might even start crying because they think their tears may soften you and make you forgive them and forget all about it.
You can definitely expect so many different reactions from a cheater. However, the point is that you have to be prepared for each and every one of them because it’s the only way you’ll keep your own dignity.
Try to listen to what they have to say
If it was a one-time thing, it probably was a huge mistake for your partner, and they won’t ever be able to forgive themselves too.
They didn’t want to cheat on you in the first place; they simply made a massive mistake in one of their weak moments.
However, if their emotional affair lasted for a while, it can’t be seen as a mistake because you can’t go along hurting someone everyday and, in the end, try to make it all look like a huge mistake.
The above 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse will help you to understand their reasons. Of course, only if they give you honest answers.
Don’t let them shift the blame onto you
This is one of many frustrating things cheaters do when they’re exposed. They start to play the awful blame-shifting game.
They don’t want to be seen as the only culprit for the break up/divorce; that’s why they’ll try to shift the blame onto you.
In a way, they’ll try to say that you were the one who pushed them into the arms of a third person because of your actions/mistakes.
Never let them do that. We all know who the real culprit is here and who hurt the person they love. Also, accepting partial blame for their cheating would mean that you’re letting them win.
Don’t ask too much about the other person
In my opinion, the betrayed spouse should never ask for too much information about their spouse’s affair partner.
Whether it’s their co-worker, your mutual friend, or someone else you know, nothing will change the ugly truth.
You can ask them how long it lasted or whether they talked about the future or not, but you shouldn’t try to find out more about the third person. They aren’t important at all in this case.
Finding out who your spouse’s affair partner is could only be more hurtful for you. That’s why you should allow your spouse to keep it to themselves and work on finding solutions to your marriage problem.
Allow yourself to feel exactly how you feel
I’ve already said this, but it’s extremely important to remember that you should never suppress your emotions. Don’t think that crying or similarly expressing your feelings makes you any less manly.
The thing is that we all have some weak moments where we just can’t pretend that we’re brave enough to go through all of it alone.
Bottling up your emotions and running away from them can only ruin your emotional and mental health.
Suggest taking a break from your marriage; it can do a world of good
The best thing for both of you would be to take some time apart.
Even if you decide to save your marriage and re-establish a healthy relationship between you again, you need to take some quiet time to think about everything in peace.
It isn’t enough to simply apologize for cheating and expect that all can be forgiven immediately. Your spouse should be aware that they’ll need to make a significant effort to earn your forgiveness.
Fighting for love is worth everything. It’s always worth it to fight for such a sacred institution as marriage.
However, before visiting a marriage counselor, you should split up for some time and process your thoughts and feelings in peace.
Take care of yourself. Work on boosting your self-esteem because this might harm your confidence too.
Keep others out of your marriage problems because these kinds of things need to stay between you two.
Don’t post about it on social media, and don’t talk about it with your co-workers or other people who aren’t that close to you.
Final Words
I know that finding out that your partner has cheated on you can make you want to throw in the towel on your marriage, but you should give yourself time before you make any final decisions. Don’t react in anger.
Don’t make any hasty decisions that you may regret later but accept every stage of affair recovery.
Just try to think about all the time and effort you put into your marriage. Think about all the memories you and your partner have created over the years. It’s not something that can easily be forgotten.
Those little flashbacks will make you understand that it’s worth the fight. Remember the first time your spouse expressed their feelings to you, and it’ll give you the hope and strength to save your marriage.
Confront your partner and listen to what they have to say about their mistake first.
Communicate in a healthy and constructive way about it, and these 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse will definitely help you with it.
Process your feelings in peace, give both of you some time to think about your marriage and whether it is worth fighting for.
Surviving infidelity is pretty difficult. Rebuilding trust will also be pretty challenging, but it’s all possible if there is love and a strong will to fix your marriage.
Giving up is the easiest thing you can do. A strong and brave person never quits. Your marriage deserves another chance, so stick around and make an effort to make your marriage work again.