While we were together, my biggest fear was that you would walk away from me and nothing besides this could help with that fear of abandonment I was feeling: Overcome fear of abandonment and enjoy your relationships
You were constantly leaving me and coming back to me as you wished. And I was always there, waiting patiently for you. I never knew why you did this but with time, I accepted it as a part of our relationship. I accepted this as a part of who you were.
You were simply like that. I knew that you were free-spirited and that you couldn’t stay in one place for too long. Even when you loved someone, you never allowed yourself to get too attached to that person. You were always afraid to open up to me completely. You always relied on yourself only and you acted like you didn’t need anyone in your life, including me.
But somehow, you kept coming back to me. And although I accepted this to be our relationship pattern, I was always terrified that one time you wouldn’t come back. I was petrified that one of those times would be the last one.
And sadly, all of my fears came true. One day, you walked away from me without any warning or explanation. But I was sure that this was just one of your phases and I waited patiently for you to come back to me, like you always did. And I pressed the pause button on my life, like I always did.
But months were passing by and you weren’t coming back.
It was difficult for me to accept but I saw that you’d moved on with your life, like I was never a part of it. You were determined to walk away for good and to never look back.
The following period was one of the hardest of my life. At first, I refused to accept that you weren’t coming back. But when I couldn’t lie to myself anymore, the truth hit me hard. I just couldn’t accept that you had walked away from me like I never existed, like we never existed. You were the first thing on my mind after I woke up and the last thought before I went to sleep.
But after some time, I finally realized some things. I accepted that you didn’t have the slightest intention of coming back and for the first time, I was OK with that. It took me a lot of time, tears and patience but I came to the conclusion that I didn’t need you in my life. I didn’t need someone who would constantly leave me and I didn’t want to be the one always waiting for you to come back.
I needed a real man in my life, someone I could rely on. I needed a man who would always stay by my side, no matter what. I needed someone to support me through thick and thin and not someone who walks away the moment things get rough.
I needed a man who was everything you were not.
And that made me understand that I was actually lucky that you had walked away from me.
But the second you saw that I was about to move on with my life, you started giving me mixed signals and signs you were not over me. Your friends started telling me that you regretted everything you did to me and that you couldn’t live without me. Wherever I’d go, you would be right there. I kept getting drunk phone calls from you in the middle of the night, telling me that you missed me.
And I wasn’t indifferent. Although I thought I’d completely moved on with my life, every time I’d see you or hear your voice, it reminded me of everything. It reminded me of all the love I used to feel for you and of all the happy memories the two of us shared.
But it also reminded me of all the pain you caused me. It reminded me of all the nights I fell asleep with my phone in my hands, all dressed up, waiting for you to call. It reminded me of every time you walked away from me without any explanation. It reminded me of all the humiliation you put me through, of all the tears I cried, waiting for you to come back.
And once again, I am afraid. But this time, I am not afraid that you will leave me. This time, I am petrified that you will come back.
And I am even more scared that I will take you back.
I am scared that only one look at you will make me want to forgive everything you did to me. I am scared that I will forget all the pain you put me through, the moment you smile at me. I am afraid I won’t be able to stay strong for much longer and that I will fall into temptation.
And that is the last thing I want for me.
So please, stay away from me. If not for my sake, then for the sake of all the love I gave you. That is the least I deserve.