9 cosas que hacer cuando haces daño a alguien

Being heartbroken by someone you love is hard. However, if you’re not a bad person or a narcissist, you can also go through a tough time when usted herir a otra persona. 

That is exactly what’s going on with you right now. The guilt is killing you because you’re aware of your harmful actions.

It doesn’t matter if we’re talking about your significant other, a coworker, a friend, or a family member, the bottom line is pretty much the same: You broke your loved one’s heart and you’re looking for ways to fix things.

Well, you’ve come to the right place where you’ll get all the professional advice you need. Here is exactly how you should behave and what you should do when you hurt someone. 

Remember that you’re a human being

First and foremost, you should always keep one thing in mind: You’re just a human being made out of flesh and blood. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you’re entitled to do whatever the hell you want.

However, one mistake doesn’t automatically make you a mala persona tampoco. 

The fact is that you’re not a robot or a preprogrammed machine that is not allowed to cometer errores. You might have tried running away from this fact but the truth is that you’re far from perfect. 

You have your set of flaws and whether you like it or not, now is the time to accept them. Knowing this, will make it easier for you to come to terms with the fact that you’re simply sinful, just like the rest of us. 

On the other hand, precisely because you’re a ser humanoTambién significa que tienes conciencia.

Tienes una mente y, por lo tanto, la capacidad de arrepentirte de esos errores y de corregirlos eventualmente. 

Una posición difícil, lo sé. Excepto, que esta misma combinación de cualidades es lo que te trajo aquí en primer lugar. 

It’s what made you hurt the person you love and it’s what made you feel guilty for your actions. 

Don’t defend your wrong action

What you did wasn’t right. When you hurt someone who cared for you, you didn’t only cause their heartbreak, you also stabbed them in the back. You violated their trust and you killed their faith in people.

Therefore, the consequences of your actions are numerous and the pain you’ve caused won’t go away overnight.

En su lugar, su víctima tendrá que pasar por un proceso de curación. Let’s be real: It’s all your fault.

Según la mayoría coaches relacionalesEl lo peor you can do at this point is to try and pretend that you haven’t done anything that wrong.

De hecho, defender tus acciones puede ser incluso más doloroso para la víctima que lo que hiciste en primer lugar.

When you do something wrong, you’re the only one responsible for it. There is no point in looking for excuses or justifications.

Your mistakes are not canceled by the fact that you were “provoked” to behave like this, that your victim “made you” hurt them, and so on.

Tienes que ser lo bastante responsable como para respaldar tus actos, como un adulto de verdad. 

Por favor, evite a toda costa el juego de las culpas.

I’m not saying that the other party is perfect or that they never did anything to hurt you, but this is beside the point; you’re looking for redemption for your harmful behavior. 

La única manera de hacerlo es aceptar toda la responsabilidad, sin tratar de eludirla. 

Acknowledge the other person’s emotions

What you have to be aware of is that we all have big differences in character. Therefore, someone is not weaker than you just for having a harder time accepting the things you’ve done to them.

Maybe you wouldn’t be this hurt if you were in their shoes and that’s your right. However, the other person is clearly heartbroken and they’re entitled to feel that way.

So, please, acknowledge the other person’s emotions, even if you don’t fully understand them. Give them the right to feel sadness and pain.

They feel betrayed or disappointed by something you did. It’s just how things are and you don’t have a say in that. 

The worst thing you can do in this case is to try and diminish the other party’s hurt feelings. Don’t even think of accusing them of being too sensitive or overly emotional.

If you do this, you’ll show that you actually have no remorse whatsoever. You’ll show that you’re only apologizing because it’s the right thing to do, not because you realmente lo siento. 

Furthermore, this will be proof that you’re completely unaware of your mistakes. You’re not aware of the magnitude of your actions nor of the effects they had on someone else. 

Acércate a tu víctima con la mayor delicadeza posible

What you need to know is that your victim’s heart is fragile right now. They have hurt feelings and the last thing they need is someone aggravating their wounds.

Therefore, you have to approach them as gently as possible. While you’re trying to repair your broken relationship, pay attention to their mental and emotional state. 

No hay peleas, ni gritos, ni juegos de culpas, ni expectativas demasiado grandes. 

This doesn’t mean that you should walk on eggshells around them or that you should treat them like a little child.

Sin embargo, hay que tener cuidado de no hacer nada que les haga daño de nuevo. 

Yes, you might think that they’re too sensitive now. Nevertheless, don’t forget that you’re the cause of their sensitivity and if you want them to forgive you, you’ll just have to deal with it. 

Don’t rush the process

When you hurt someone you love and want their forgiveness, you’ll probably push them as hard as possible to get it.

You want them to see how eager you are to come back into their life and you don’t miss any opportunity to reach out.

Sientes el impulso de llamarles, enviarles mensajes de texto, presentarte en los lugares donde esperas que estén o incluso llamar a su puerta. Sin embargo, eso solo puede ser contraproducente. 

By doing this, you’re putting an unbearable amount of pressure on your victim. You show them that their forgiveness is more important than the way they feel.

Basically, you’re apologizing because you want to clear your conscience, not because you want them to feel better. 

Consequently, when you pressure your victim, you make them feel guilty. They don’t feel ready to perdonarte just yet but can’t seem to get rid of your presence in their life.

On the other hand, your victim can get angrier at you. You’re not giving them space or time to clear their head and to reach a conclusion.

Instead, you’re constantly on their back, without any understanding of the way they feel and for the problems they’re facing. 

Por lo tanto, the best thing to do is let time work its magic. Show the other person that you’re there and that you don’t mind patiently waiting for them to be ready for you. 

Comprometerse con el autoperdón y el autocuidado

While there are people who act as if they didn’t do anything wrong, there are also the ones who beat themselves up too hard.

Estar aquí y buscar cosas que hacer cuando haces daño a alguien, claramente te hace parte del segundo grupo. 

Aunque no asumir la responsabilidad de los propios actos no es aceptable, juzgarse con demasiada dureza tampoco es saludable.

De hecho, lo mejor sería encontrar el término medio y el equilibrio entre ambos. 

Accept that your behavior was not okay and that it caused someone’s emotional pain, but don’t see it as the end of the world and as something you can’t correct. 

Verás: La otra persona puede perdonarte por todo lo que le hiciste. After all, that’s what will happen sooner or later.

No obstante, dejarse llevar del autojuicio es aún más importante.

Necesitas limpiar tu conciencia y deshacerte de la culpa si quieres preservar tu salud mental y dedicarte a algún autocuidado.

Beating yourself up and calling yourself a narcissist won’t get you anywhere. 

Every time these negative feelings overwhelm you, remind yourself that they’re completely pointless and will achieve nothing.

You can’t turn back time as much as you might want to, can you? Therefore, you won’t erase your victim’s pain by overthinking your actions. 

Pida otra perspectiva

If you feel lost and as though you don’t know what’s the smart thing to do, the best thing is to look for another opinion and perspective. 

After all, you’re emotionally involved in this entire situation and you can’t be objective about it, despite all of your efforts.

Maybe you’re being too hard on yourself. At the same time, there is also a possibility that you’re justifying your actions and looking for excuses for thems.

De cualquier manera, you’re not being neutral here and neither is your victim. They’re the ones hurt in this case and it’s possible that they’re blowing things out of proportion and looking for attention as well.

Por eso debes acudir a alguien de confianza y contarle toda esta situación. Elige un amigo honesto, un compañero de trabajo, or a family member, even if you’re afraid that they’ll be too harsh.

Después de todo, eso es exactamente lo que necesitas: Una dura verdad de un ser querido. Necesitas a alguien que te quite las gafas de color de rosa y te haga enfrentarte a la realidad. 

This doesn’t mean that they should tell you what to do with your own life or that you should listen to them blindly. Instead, they’re just there to offer you a fresh point of view. 

Just be careful about the ones you tell your secrets to. If you’re not sure whether you have loyal people around you, ask for professional advice. 

No es ninguna vergüenza hablar con un terapeuta sobre las cosas que te molestan. 

Another great piece of advice is to try walking in your victim’s shoes. Put yourself in their position and look at things from their perspective.

What do you do when someone hurts you? What’s your first instinct when someone causes you heartbreak? What can they do to fix things? 

Do “the friend test”

Another great thing you can do is “the friend test”. This will help you detach from the situation and make it possible for you to move in the right direction.

Imagine that your friend has the same problem you currently have. They come to you and tell you that they’ve hurt someone they care for deeply. 

They want their forgiveness but don’t know how to get it. They’re also beating themselves up for their mistake. 

Te piden consejo porque confían en ti y te consideran una persona sabia e inteligente. ¿Qué les dirías?

Apuesto a que se le ocurriría una solución de inmediato. Les aconsejarías sobre cómo acercarse a su víctima y les darías los pasos exactos que se enumeran aquí. 

No sólo eso, sino que estarías lleno de comprensión por tu mejor amigo. Hicieran lo que hicieran, les llamarías la atención por sus acciones y también mostrarías compasión.

Lo último que harías sería empeorar las cosas juzgándoles y atacándoles. En lugar de eso, les dirías que no fueran tan duros consigo mismos y que no dejaran que la culpa les comiera vivos.

¿Qué te impide tratarte a ti mismo de la misma manera? Al fin y al cabo, deberías quererte más a ti mismo que a cualquier amigo de este mundo. 

Por lo tanto, por favor, sigue el consejo que le darías a tu imaginado mejor amigo y aplícatelo a ti mismo. 

Aprenda de su mal comportamiento

Finally, even though you can’t change what you’ve done, you certainly can learn from it. Instead of lamenting your past, walk away from it with a dura pero valiosa lección.

Lo que hiciste fue tóxico. You broke someone’s heart and your actions hurt their feelings. 

However, that doesn’t mean that you should turn this into patterns of mal comportamiento. En lugar de permitir que se convierta en un hábito, aprende de tus errores.

Promise yourself that that was the last time you displayed that selfish behavior and that from now on, you’ll think about the possible consequences of your actions. 

Tell yourself that that was the last time you didn’t show compassion and that from now on, you’ll always take other people’s feelings into account. 

Para ser sincero, cuando haces daño a alguien, probablemente tardarás años en recuperar su confianza y volver a unir la relación rota. 

That’s why you have to start this moment. Show them that you care and that you’re ready to do whatever it takes to come back into their life. Good luck!