No importa lo que hagas ahora, nunca podrás borrar todo lo que me hiciste en el pasado

Me causaste mucho dolor y sufrí mucho por tu culpa. Me rompiste el corazón y me rompiste. Destruiste todo lo que podías destruir de mí y me cambiaste como persona para siempre. Siempre me trataste como un pedazo de mierda, como si nunca te hubiera importado.

When I come to think of it now, I don’t know if there is anything left that you didn’t do to me. Because you lied to me, you cheated on me, you neglected me, you manipulated me and you controlled me. Above all, you abused me in more than one way. And that is something I am aware of now.

Sabes, durante mucho tiempo, seguí mintiéndome a mí misma. Simplemente me negaba a admitir que en realidad eras una mala persona y que nunca me quisiste de verdad. Me negaba a aceptar todas las cosas que me hacías, así que seguía justificándote y me culpaba de todo. Seguía inventando excusas para tus mentiras, diciéndome que debía de haber malinterpretado las cosas. Cada vez que te pillaba engañándome, me decía que me lo estaba imaginando todo. Y en esas situaciones, estaba más que feliz de aceptar tus falsas excusas que obviamente no tenían sentido. Aunque sabía que me maltratabas, me decía a mí misma que estaba demasiado sensible o que era culpa mía por provocarte. En realidad, esas eran las cosas que me decías y yo tenía tantas ganas de creérmelas. Supongo que entonces me creía todas las mentiras posibles que me ponías delante. Lo único en lo que nunca quise creer fue en la verdad. Nunca quise aceptar que eras un abusador tóxico y que necesitaba alejarme de ti si quería salvar mi cordura.

I don’t know what happened but with time, I knew I had to accept it. I guess it was when my bruises were too evident and too big for me to hide. I guess I became ashamed of the people around me seeing them and that was what made me wake up from this nightmare you were putting me through. And that was when I left you for good.

When I first left, you didn’t take me seriously. You were certain I’d come crawling back to you. But that was something I had no intention of doing.

With time, you saw I wasn’t changing my mind. And you couldn’t believe it. You couldn’t believe I had the nerve to walk away from you. And that was when your efforts to win me back started. That was when you allegedly figured it all out and when you realized how badly you had treated me. That was when you started begging me to come back to you, promising me that this time was different and trying to assure me that you were a changed man. That was when you started acting like you would do anything just for me to go back to you.

Pero déjame decirte una cosa—I am not buying any of it. I don’t believe you and I never will. I know you don’t want me back because you love me; you want me back because you can’t believe you lost the person who you could always treat the way you wanted to. You want me back to help you boost your sick ego. And that is something I am not ready to do anymore.

You keep finding ways to get to me and you keep telling me you feel sorry for everything you did to me. But I know that is not true. I know you are not even aware of all the suffering I’ve been through because of you. I know that deep down, you still think all of it was my fault. Sólo me dices todo lo que quiero oír porque crees que te ayudará a reconquistarme.

Well, it won’t. Nunca volveré contigo y no hay nada que puedas hacer para cambiarlo. I am not telling you this because I’m heartless or because I want revenge for everything you did to me. I am telling you this because I really mean it.

Tienes que aceptar el hecho de que no hay nada que puedas hacer ahora para hacerme olvidar todo lo que me hiciste en el pasado. You don’t have a magical eraser that can remove all the wounds and scars on my soul and body that you caused.

Even if you have changed (and I know you haven’t), you need to understand that just seeing your face reminds me of all the pain I’ve been through. It reminds me of every tear I cried for you and of every humiliation you put me through. It reminds me of every time you hit me, of every time you crushed my heart, of every lie you told me straight to my face and of every woman you me engañó con. Y no hay nada que puedas hacer para que lo olvide.

The only thing you can do is leave me alone. If you really regret all the things you did to me, please let me go and don’t come back into my life ever again.