This time, I won’t call you Dad. I won’t call you Father either. Not because I don’t want to but because you don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve that a girl who looked up to you and admired you got her heart broken by you.
I won’t even try to tell you what your mistakes were but I will just let all this pain out of me. The pain that was inside of me for a long time needs to come out. Because if it doesn’t come out, I swear I will explode.
I need to get rid of this sorrow I have been holding in for so many years, hoping that things will change. I finally need to understand that you were never the father I deserved. You shouldn’t be called that because a father figure is so important to his child’s life but you weren’t there for me in any situation.
You only got rid of me when I needed you the most. You gave up on me because fixing me and helping me was too long a process and you didn’t want to waste your time on me.
While I am writing these lines, I can’t believe that a father could think that he would be wasting his time if he helped his daughter. But that is what I got from you. I never felt loved by you. I could never see the happiness in your eyes when you were with me.
Every conversation that we had was so uncomfortable for both of us. It was bad for you because you didn’t want to spend time with me and for me, it was bad because I saw in your eyes that you didn’t want me too close and all I wanted was to see you walking through the door.
I learned to live on my own while I was still pretty young and deep down I knew that things wouldn’t change for the better. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t hope that you would become the father of my dreams but frankly speaking, those dreams only helped me to get through some days.
You know, for so long, I blamed myself for the lack of your love. I thought that I was a girl who didn’t accomplish anything and that you were ashamed of me. I thought that all the things I did weren’t good enough for you and that I needed to work harder. For so long, I thought I was the guilty one.
And you know what the worst part was?
You watched me break down so many times and you didn’t even try to comfort me. You didn’t even try to tell me a white lie that would make me feel better.
You weren’t man enough to hold your hands up to the things you did. You hid like a coward behind your mistakes, thinking they were your biggest accomplishments.
You failed badly at your most important role, the one of a father. And that is something you can’t change now. When I realized that I didn’t have a dad I could count on, I learned to stand up for myself.
And while all the other girls talked proudly about their dads, I kept quiet while the tears were running down my cheeks. I was so mad at you for not being there for me. And that hasn’t changed. I still think you are a piece of a shit who couldn’t be there for the only person who truly needed you.
I still think that you don’t deserve anyone to call you Dad or to act nicely toward you. I think that you got this role by accident and that it simply doesn’t belong to you. Because only a coward leaves his daughter unprotected. Only a coward gives up on his own flesh and blood.
Only a coward destroys the lives of innocent people just to make himself feel better. And that is what you did to me. Because of you, I learned that I shouldn’t bring guys into my life so easily.
Because of the horror I went through with you, I learned that a guy won’t make me feel better and only I can do it for myself. I learned that I can’t trust strangers and that I shouldn’t give chances so easily.
I learned to take care of myself without the help of the people around me. I learned to be independent and strong and to never give up on my dreams. From a small and frightened girl, I transformed into a beast who brushed her emotions under the carpet.
Because of you, I built walls around me so high that even the bravest people couldn’t reach me. And in trying to shut down my emotions to prevent people from hurting me, I lost all of them. I became an emotionless person who was incapable of smiling at all the little things that made me laugh so much before.
Through this life with you. I learned that I can only count on myself and that nobody will solve my problems and only I can do it for myself. Unfortunately, I learned to stand up for myself because I never had a dad to do that instead of me.
And because of all the bad things I went through in my life without a father figure, I became so strong. I transformed into a woman who isn’t afraid of anything and who will chase her dreams no matter how long it will take.
Because of the lack of love from you, I finally put myself first, giving myself everything that I deserved from you. But in that way, I got what I deserved my whole life. Now, after so much time spent thinking about you and about our lives, I don’t feel bad anymore. I know that I tried to make things work but I also know that you gave up on me like I was nothing. And because of that, I am stronger now.
So, if you ever read this letter, if you ever find time to open it and read what was on my heart for such a long time, I want you to pay attention to what I am saying right now:
Even if you were a shitty father to me, I managed to transform into a person every parent would be so proud of. And that is not thanks to you but thanks to me and my strong will for success. In losing you and watching you leave me, not even looking back, I swore to myself that I would succeed and that I would never again ask for your help.
In losing you, I finally found the missing piece of the puzzle to finally being happy. I found myself!