I have to admit something-for most of my life, I’ve been unhappy. It’s not that I’ve experienced tragedies most people would consider significant, I just wasn’t happy.
Most of my misery came from the one thing that should have made life more beautiful-it came from love.
Maybe it’s my fault but ever since I can remember, I’ve made the wrong choices when it comes to men.
I haven’t been perfect in my relationships but I didn’t deserve the cheating, abuse, emotional neglect, or any of the other mistreatment I’ve been through.
Most of all-I didn’t deserve all the consequences that it left behind. I didn’t deserve to go through life as a zombi, constantly on the lookout for who is going to hurt me next.
The catch is that barely anyone knows this about me.
In fact, most people in my life will tell you that I’m a strong woman who isn’t bothered by a simple breakup.
They don’t see the deep scars on my soul, they don’t see the rooted traumas, the insecurities, the depression, and the anxiety.
They don’t see the pain hidden behind my smile, nor do they notice the big hole where my heart should be.
However, you knew. Somehow, you made me open up to you.
For the first time in ages, when I met you, I thought I’d found someone I could trust.
Someone I could expose my vulnerabilities to and someone I could show my true self to.
You made me tell you about the demons which haunt me. You got me to reveal the little, naive girl who I managed to hide from the rest of the world.
No, I never asked you to save me. I never wanted you to take over my burden or to fight my battles.
However, you promised to be there for me.
You promised that you’d be my guardian angel-the man who would heal my heart, fix my mind, and chase away my demons.
You were the one who saved me from my past. The one who got me to face my inner fears and who showed me that I was stronger than I thought.
For a while, I saw you as the light at the end of the tunnel. I saw you as a gift sent from heaven, as the compensation for everything I’ve been through.
I believed every single word you said. I thought that you were the silver lining to my cloud.
Remember how you kept convincing me that you would never leave my side? That you would hold my hand through all the storms?
Remember how you promised to be there for me through both the good and bad days? That you would help me build myself back up and that you would never do anything to hurt me?
However, what did you do? You abandoned me when I needed you the most and left me alone in the wind.
So, I guess you didn’t mean to save me from my demons-all along, your intention was to become one.
You didn’t cure my wounds-you just made them deeper. You didn’t heal my shattered heart-you just crushed it into even more pieces.
You didn’t fix me-you broke me even more.
However, I forgive you for that. I forgive you for the way you left and for walking away on me. After all, that’s exactly what I’m used to.
Nevertheless, there is one thing I can’t forgive you for. I can’t forgive you for all the pretense, lies, and deception.
I can never forget how you tricked me into believing that you were someone you’re not. How you made me think that you were different, only to prove that you’re actually worse than everyone from my past.
I will never forgive you for raising me up to the stars just so you could knock me down to the bottom.
I will never forgive you for giving me hope just so you could later kill it.
At least all those other people who did me harm never gave me false hope. They never pretended to be my savior only to end up being my destroyer.
That is exactly what you did-you pretended to be my blessing, when in fact you were my curse.