Once upon a time, I fell in love with him. Once upon a time, I gave all of myself to the man who couldn’t care less for me. Once upon a time, I got my heart broken.
I was beaten to an emotional death. I was like a living corpse, breathing, eating, drinking, but being unable to feel anything.
I was completely numb in my world of chaos, the one he made out of my life, promising me a fairy tale at the beginning. But all I got were tears, sadness and agony. I deserved it all, but I got nothing good in the end, and he is the only one to blame for it.
He was such a nice guy at first. He took care of me. He protected me, and he was keeping me like I was the apple of his eye. But somewhere along the road, he changed. He transformed into a man I couldn’t recognize anymore. He started picking fights out of nowhere.
He always made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for him, like I just got lucky for him choosing me. He made me believe I was the unlovable one, the one who doesn’t deserve love and good treatment.
He convinced me that the way he was treating me was the right way because I didn’t deserve anything better than that. He made me completely lose myself over him.
He always wanted me to make him my priority while he never made me his. And I, blindly in love accepted all of his terms. I accepted them all and didn’t ask what I will get from it.
I just obeyed him, thinking that he knows best. I didn’t even use my head to think about that. I didn’t think about the fact that he was using me all that time.
And he knew it all from the start, but he never admitted that because it was good for him. Keeping me close and making me do everything he wanted was his final goal.
He just needed a puppet who would dance as he plays, and he found the perfect victim in me. I did all that he wanted, thinking that I should behave like that because I love him.
I thought that I was doing something nice for our relationship, but he never did anything nice for me. And every time I told him that, whenever I told him that he should also try to keep me in the relationship, he just told me that I need him more than he needs me and that I can leave if I want.
And trust me, his words hurt me like the sharpest sword, stabbing my heart over and over again. At that moment, I realized that he never actually loved me. He only loved the idea of me being close to fulfill all of his wishes. He would always make me stay because he needed me.
He needed me for bad purposes though. I was just someone he got used to. I knew what kind of coffee he liked, what his breakfast should look like and how he wanted his clothes to be washed.
He wanted me close because I was familiar to him, because meeting another woman and teaching her all the things I knew would be such a problem.
That’s why he made so much effort to keep me close. He did that by manipulating me, lying to me and gaslighting me.
He used all means necessary to keep me close and he managed to do that. It wasn’t so hard since I was madly in love with him. He used my heart and my feelings to get what he wanted, and he succeeded in his plan.
He got what he wanted, and I ended up with my heart bleeding. He broke my heart so many times. I don’t remember the number of times I forgave him for hurting me, thinking that he will change.
But you know, one day I got tired of all of it. I got tired of him belittling me, lying to me, manipulating me and not loving me at all. So, I decided it was about time to give up on him.
You know, giving up on him was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do but it was the only way to get my old life back. I suffered when I let him go, but I had lived in pain for such a long time, and I simply had to make some change. I needed to feel alive again.
I needed to feel worthy and lovable again. And he couldn’t provide me with that. He didn’t know how to love me, so I fell in love with myself instead. I was his prisoner for a long time and I needed to break free from him.
And the day I did it, I was born again. I started enjoying things that I enjoyed before I met him, and it was such an amazing feeling. I started going out with my friends, meeting new people and making my dreams come true. I started doing all those things he forbade me while I was in a relationship with him—things that I had missed so much.
And most of all, I got the old me back, the person I craved so much but couldn’t get because he had trapped her in his web of lies. But now, all is over! He doesn’t possess me anymore.
He doesn’t have the right to come into my life again. And even if he wants it, I would never let him come back. One toxic man was enough for my whole life. The last thing I need is to put up with his shit again and ruin my life.
Instead, I chose to be happy again. I chose to start a new chapter of my life! And most of all, I chose to fall in love with myself!