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I Hate Myself For Still Loving You

I Hate Myself For Still Loving You

I thought that I will never feel this way.I thought that I had everything under control, but here I am ripped between my self-love and love toward you. I fight every day with all these emotions that are inside me. At one moment, I want you so badly and at another one, I hate myself for still loving you. All those memories that we had together come to my mind and for a second, I feel nice, loved and respected.

But then, in the blink of an eye, there come the dark thoughts, the ones that make me cry myself to sleep and sob. And I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like I can’t live anymore after all that has happened to me. I can’t but think if I ever was enough to you. It is impossible to spend so much time with someone you loved and then to rip him out of your heart in a second. It is impossible to forget and move on. At least for me. I know I shouldn’t be thinking about you and coming back to you, but I still do. And God, I can’t explain how much I hate myself for feeling this way.

Because even if you hurt me like nobody before, I still love you. I still want you close. Your hands can still calm me and your kisses can heal every wound that I have. And I hate that you have so much power over me. I hate that I can’t take my life back. I hate that I don’t have control over everything again. But I am aware of the fact that the heart is not something that can be controlled. It will stop loving you where the right time comes. But until then, I will feel this way. I will feel like nothing, like a person without any value, like someone who doesn’t have any purpose in this world. And the only person guilty for that is you!

YOU, YOU, YOU! You are the cause of all my fears. You are guilty of breaking my heart and making me feel this way. And even if you see me hurting like this, you have no mercy. You don’t care about me at all and you don’t want me close anymore. For you, love is not a saintly thing like it is for me. But unfortunately, I realized that too late. I realized that when my heart was already broken. And I know it will take a long time for me to recover. Because love like this doesn’t happen every day. It happens only once in a lifetime. But too bad it was not real. Too bad that we couldn’t last and too bad that you never loved me like I loved you.

I know that I will need some time to heal, I will need some time to forgive myself for loving you blindly without asking you to reciprocate in the same way. I will need time to stop thinking of you every morning when I open my eyes. I will need some time to stop thinking about you in the cold nights when I stay alone. I need to learn to appreciate myself more, and I need to get back on track again. I know the path of recovering from you will be long, but it will also be one worth fighting for.

It is true. I still love you but I can’t do anything about that. I hate myself for feeling this way, but I know that one day, you will be just a bad memory. I know that one day, I will be the old me and that I won’t think of you ever again. You will just be a tough lesson I earned and I will be stronger because of that. I promise you that one day, I won’t think of you and I won’t call your name in my dreams. I promise that one day, I won’t need your toxic hands to hug me to make me feel good. I promise that one day, I will hate you like I hate myself right now. I promise I will get over you and that I won’t lose faith in love.

And you?

I hope that one day, you will realize what you have done to me. I hope that you will see that you gambled the best woman in your life and I hope that you will feel the same dose of agony I felt when you hurt me.

And I hope that the memory of hurting me will haunt you forever because you didn’t deserve anything better.