The truth is that you and I had some beautiful moments and that we shared some amazing memories.
But when I look at our past relationship from this point of view, I see that those moments were actually a real rarity, although I tried to hold on to them.
When I look at things from this perspective, I see that most of our relationship was actually marked with me feeling bad about myself, with me crying myself to sleep, with me asking myself what it was that I did wrong and with me waiting for you to come to your senses.
At the same time, you lived your life as if the things that were going on in our relationship never affected you, as if you weren’t a part of it. You lived your life as if your actions weren’t hurting anyone and as if they weren’t causing me any pain.
And that was exactly what you continued doing after you walked away from me.
You moved on with your life as if nothing between us ever happened. As if you never broke my heart into pieces and as if you hadn’t changed the essence of who I was.
As if you had never lied to me, as if you had never cheated on me and as if you never emotionally abused me.
You continued living your life as if you hadn’t ruined me. As if you hadn’t disappointed me and made me a bitter and negative person with deep trust issues.
As if you hadn’t destroyed my self-confidence, trying to put all the blame on me for everything wrong in our relationship.
As if you never made me question my sanity and my every move and wondering if I was the toxic one.
You moved on as if you never made me question my worth or wonder why I was never enough for you. As if you never tried to make me feel guilty for all the things you were actually doing.
And the worst part is that I’ve spent years trying to figure out what was wrong with me and what my mistakes were. I’ve spent years replaying every moment of our relationship in my head, trying to find the answers to my questions.
I imagined every possible scenario in which I tried to find ways to justify your words and actions.
But as I was going deeper and deeper, I realized that there could never exist an excuse for all the things you were doing to me for years.
I’ve realized that although I made my share of mistakes, you were the real cause and reason for all of my misfortune.
And that I couldn’t do anything to justify you for this, as much as I would like to.
And I hated you for a long time. I hated you for everything you did to me and I hated you for leaving me in one spot while you moved on long ago.
But after a while, I managed to forgive you for everything you did to me. Although I thought that would never happen, I found the strength to forgive you for causing me an unimaginable amount of pain and for destroying and devastating me.
And together with forgiveness, somehow I’ve also stopped hating you for everything you made me go through.
To be honest, I didn’t do it because of you. I did it for my own good—because I couldn’t live with this negativity that was eating me from the inside out.
But there is something I could never forgive you for. Although this is not something I am proud of, there exists a part of me which still hates your guts.
And the reason I feel this way is not all the harm you’ve done to me—it’s the fact that you never took any responsibility for your words and actions.
It’s the fact that you always behaved as if my devastation had nothing to do with you and as if you didn’t even take part in damaging and breaking me.
And sadly, this says more about you than the fact that you did all those things.
This shows that you are a toxic, selfish narcissist, without any trace of a conscience. And it shows me that you never loved anyone but yourself.
