I Hate You For Not Loving Me Enough

I loved you for a very long time.

To be honest, I don’t even remember who I was before you entered my life. You changed the essence of my being and you became the center of my world. And you know very well how intense my love for you was.

You know there didn’t exist a thing I wouldn’t do for you. I was ready to move mountains and I was ready to fight the world, if needed, just for the sake of your love. And I was convinced that I would love you until the end of time.

I was sure that there was nothing you could do to make me stop loving you.

And that is why I am sure you won’t believe this when you read it. Damn, I don’t even believe it myself.

But I am here to tell you that you’ve killed all the love I felt for you. You’ve ripped out my heart and you’ve torn it into pieces. There was nothing left of me to love you. So I am telling you that I don’t love you anymore.

Not just that—I hate you from the bottom of my being.

I hate you for never thinking I was enough. As my boyfriend, you should’ve helped me with my self-esteem. If you couldn’t do that, the last thing you should’ve done was undermine me all the time. But the weaker I was mentally, the easier it was for you to manipulate me.

You worked very hard to make me even more insecure. While I was with you, I spent years wondering why I wasn’t enough. What was I doing wrong? Why couldn’t you love me the way I loved you?

You made me think like everything was always my fault and no matter how hard I tried, I was never enough for you.

I hate you for never choosing me. I hate you for all those other girls I always felt like I had to compete with. I hate you for always treating me like an option at the bottom of your priority list.

I hate you for making me beg for crumbs of your affection. I hate you for never choosing me over anyone else, despite all the sacrifices I made for you.

I hate you because you always made me chase you.

I don’t know whether your ego was so fragile or you were a psychopath who enjoyed my suffering but you always did everything you could to make me come to you. You did everything you could to make me chase you and literally beg you to be with me. And you never did anything similar.

Even if everything was your fault, you always refused to take responsibility and you manipulated me into thinking I made you do or say something that caused me pain. You made it very clear that you would never chase me, showing me that my existence in your life was of minor significance to you.

I hate you for leading me on all these years. You know that you were never completely honest with me. You never told me that things weren’t for real and you never told me that you could never give me everything I needed.

Instead, you kept me around just because you enjoyed having someone always by your side, despite everything you did. You made sure to give me just enough of your love and attention so I would stay with you. And silly me confused that with true love. I hate you for playing mind games with me.

With you, I never knew where I stood. One day, you were the most perfect boyfriend on the planet, promising me the world and giving me hope that everything would be OK between us. And the very next day, you would go back to your old ways, acting like I didn’t mean a thing to you.

You were constantly keeping me in this never-ending circle and it was driving me crazy. But I guess that was what you wanted all along, wasn’t it?

Most of all, I hate you for never loving me enough. From the very start of everything between us, deep down, I knew you weren’t capable of love. And I thought that would change with time.

I thought you would see how much I loved you and that you would learn to appreciate everything I was doing for you. But no, you could never get yourself to love me. Or you didn’t want to do it.

Either way, the point is that I never felt the full capacity of your love. And I am not sure whether I am entitled to hate you for that but I still do and there is nothing that can be done about it.