I have many regrets in life and most of them are connected with you. You may think that I regret ever meeting you, ever loving you the way I did and ever being with you. You may think I regret all the sacrifices I made for us, all the effort I put in our relationship and all the pain I’ve been through because of you.
But none of it is true. The only thing I regret is that we didn’t make it. And I think that is something that will haunt me for as long as I live. The fact that I won’t spend the rest of my life with you is something I will never be able to accept.
You know, I always knew we had problems. Deep down, I always knew that we weren’t meant to be together, as much as I wished for it. Somehow, I knew we weren’t compatible. And deep down, I knew you could never love me the way I loved you. But none of it stopped me from loving you. None of it stopped me from fighting for us. And the fact that it was all in vain hurts me the most and it is something I will never get over.
I can accept the fact that you left me. It hurt and it still hurts me in an unimaginable way but that is something I know I will learn to deal with. But what I can’t accept is that I tried so hard for something that will never happen. I consider our relationship and the end of it as my personal defeat. I can’t accept that everything I did served for nothing and that we won’t end up together. I know life is not a fairy tale but I really believed in our happy ending. I hoped that we would eventually overcome all the obstacles, that we would chase away your issues and that we’d end up together, despite everything. And now I have grown to realize that none of it will ever happen. And that is something that will hurt me for as long as I live.
I don’t think I will always suffer this way because of you. I know time heals all wounds and I know that with time, the intensity of my pain will reduce. I know that someday, you will be just a distant memory for me. I know that there will come a day when you won’t be the first thing on my mind. And that there will come a day when you’ll just be a part of the past.
But even when that day comes, when I’ve grown old and when my face has become wrinkled, I will think of you in a way. Even then, I will feel sorry for everything. I will feel sorry for all the things we could have done, if we had just tried harder. I will feel sorry for the fact that all the love I felt for you was for nothing. I will feel sorry that I wasn’t enough for you.
I will feel sorry we didn’t make it.
We will probably love other people in the future. Maybe we’ll find our happiness without each other. But there will always be a part of me that I left with you. And that is a part no other man in my life could ever get.
And even twenty years from now, when someone asks me who the person I loved the most in my life was, your face will appear right in front of my eyes. And our entire relationship will come flashing before me, like it all happened yesterday. And I will feel the same amount of pain I felt on the day you walked away from me.
And even then I will ask myself why we didn’t stay together. And even then, I won’t know the answer. Even after all those years, I will wonder why I wasn’t enough. I will wonder why I didn’t fight harder and why I gave up. I will ask myself if there was anything I could have done to make you stay. And I will ask myself if you ever think of me the way I think of you.
Even then, I will know that our love was real, that we were real. I will know that I loved you more than anyone else in this world. And I will know that you loved me the best way you could, even though that wasn’t enough for me. And no matter how much time passes, that is something nobody can take away from me.