How did we get to this point? How did we get from love to torture? Where did the man of my dreams disappear to?
Did you change or were you just tired of acting?
I don’t know the answer to any of these questions. I don’t know anything anymore nor do I understand.
All I know is that what we could have been and could have had is killing me from the inside and ripping my soul in two.
We had a perfect start, one of those relationship introductory parts that make you believe you found heaven on earth.
Sadly, somewhere down the line, that heaven slowly turned to hell.
Before I could grasp what was happening, the bad outweighed all the good and all I had were distant memories of happiness I no longer had, yet wished it would come back.
I didn’t want us to end. What’s more, I did the impossible to prevent that from happening.
I always tried to be better, to do more, and to try harder for us. I forgave the unforgivable and cried when you were nowhere near to see.
I simply didn’t want to give up on us. I think that somewhere deep down I still haven’t, but I had to let you go – or to be more accurate, you forced me to let you go.
I guess you were never ready for a relationship and as things were getting more serious, you started acting up.
You created problems where there weren’t any. We would fight about every little thing and nothing was ever drama-free.
At the end of the day, everything was my fault.
You really knew how to spin the story so it suited you and I would end up apologizing for things I hadn’t done.
I did it knowingly, just to maintain the peace because I had enough of wars. I had enough of petty fights and stupid misunderstandings.
You used to get jealous and possessive at one point, and then act like I was invisible the next.
You used to lift me up and shower me with kindness and love and, before I got the time to enjoy it, you would shift and do your best to bring me down and make me feel worthless.
I never knew how you would act or feel. I never knew which days we would be on good terms and which days on bad.
And I got used to it. Inconsistency, drama, pain mixed with bits of love were my reality. The mess I was living in became, in a way, normal.
It was just the way things were and I always held on to hope that you would change back to the way you were.
I did more than just hope; every time I tried more and did all I could to make you see what I see, feel for me what I feel for you.
Until I couldn’t anymore.
Until I realized that in spite of what I feel, you are not the right man for me.
Love shouldn’t be so much trouble. Love shouldn’t be so much pain and suffering.
Love shouldn’t be about one side making all the effort, while other does whatever the hell it wants.
Love is about overcoming rough patches. It was never supposed to be one big neverending rough patch. It was never supposed to be this hard.
I can’t believe I’m about to say this, in spite of everything… I still care about you, but that doesn’t mean I want you back.
After everything you put me through, you are still a part of me – part of my thoughts, desires, and regrets.
I still value those little moments of joy and love over the majority of crappy ones you put me through.
I guess it’s going to take me a long time before I become indifferent… before it stops hurting… before I stop caring about you… before I stop wishing things were different…
But you know what? It doesn’t matter how long it will take or how hard I’ll fight to put my life back together.
What matters is that I am free of you, that I saved myself from your toxicity, that you are no longer a part of my life.
What matters is that I finally know that you are not worth it anymore. You don’t deserve me.