This is probably something I shouldn’t be telling you after everything that went on.
Something I should keep to myself as a secret, making sure you never find out about it.
After all, you’re my toxic ex – the one who broke my heart to pieces and the one who caused me more pain than I thought I could handle.
So, the normal thing for me to do would be to pretend that I am completely indifferent and that I’ve moved on from you a while ago.
It would be expected of me to pretend that I am happier than ever and that you are nothing more than a distant memory.
According to all the rules, I should keep my ego intact and not humiliate myself further by addressing you.
Nevertheless, knowing me, I’ll be honest, as I’ve always been, and I’ll tell you exactly what’s been on my mind all this time.
Don’t get me wrong – I don’t expect it to make a difference – I just want you to know how much harm you’ve done.
You see, the truth is that I still think of you. You still exist in the back of my mind; you still haunt me.
However, this doesn’t mean I miss you.
It doesn’t mean that I fall asleep every night wishing for all our happy times to come back, nor that I wish for you to return into my life.
This doesn’t mean that I would ever get back together with you or that I picture us together.
It’s just that I am aware that I am not healed yet. I did get over you, but I’ve never gotten over everything you did to me.
Yes, I still resent you after all this time.
Maybe I should be ashamed for being so weak and for allowing your actions to still have such a huge impact on me, but I just can’t help but being consumed by this resentment that has been eating me alive to this day.
As much as I try, I can’t let go of grudges, of the bitterness and negativity you left behind.
Even though I forgave you for abandoning me when I needed you the most, I can’t force myself to forget about all the backstabbing, about the betrayal, about the abuse.
I can’t seem to forget all the tears, all the sleepless nights, all the insults, all the other women… Nor can I forgive you for any of this.
Nevertheless, a day will come when I’ll let go of all the resentment.
A day when I won’t wish the worst for you. A day when I’ll stop seeking revenge.
A day will come when I’ll finally be at peace with myself and with everything you did to me.
When I’ll understand that I shouldn’t give you any more credit for allowing you to affect me anymore.
There will come a time when I’ll get rid of all the insecurities and self-doubts you caused me to feel.
When I’ll start believing in love once again and when I’ll finally tear down the walls I had to build because of you.
A time when I’ll let this guard down and when I’ll go back to being the same girl I was before you stormed through my life.
A time when the woman I became after all of the damage you caused will be gone.
I have faith that all of my wounds will heal and that my soul will recover.
That sometime in the future, my heart will be clear from all this hate I still feel for you and that I’ll finally free myself from the emotional baggage you left behind.
Even though I’m consumed by resentment now, I believe that one day, I’ll figure out how to accept the apology I never got.
That one day, I’ll forgive you for everything you did to me and you will stop existing in my mind and my heart.
When that happens, I’ll know that I’m completely recovered.
I’ll know that I’ve gotten over you and that I’ve finally moved on.
I’ll know that I’ve closed this chapter of my life and that I’ve left you in the past, where you belong.
When that happens, I’ll know that I’m ready for the love I deserve.