3 cose da tenere in privato: Non sono affari di nessuno, ma tuoi
There’s a saying that goes something like, “3 things to keep private are your love life, income and next move,” but life is undeniably more complicated than that.
Essere riservati su certe cose è importante per ragioni più profonde che non quelle di mantenere un senso di mistero intorno a sé e far dire alle persone che si è sempre indovinato. Being private doesn’t mean hiding things. That’s a whole different story altogether.
La privacy consiste nel proteggere i propri confini e valori. It’s about keeping the things that are nobody’s business but yours to yourself. Keeping your private life private is how you avoid falling into the trap of having to explain and justify things that matter to you to other people.
Aside from personal things to keep private, there’s another topic that you shouldn’t discuss with other people, and that’s cose che non hanno nulla a che fare con voi. It’s the other side of being private – showing others the same courtesy.
Let’s see what you should view as classified information, what it is that leads to oversharing and how to stop yourself when the temptation strikes.
3 cose da tenere private
Keeping your personal life private isn’t the same as keeping it a secret. If something comes up in a meaningful context, Condividerlo con gli amici più stretti o con qualcuno di cui ci si fida per questo tipo di informazioni va benissimo.
Ma quando sentite che alcune cose della vostra vita hanno bisogno di spiegazioni per farsi capire dagli altri, si potrebbe essere tentati di giustificarsi. If you regret it after telling someone a detail that you added without being asked about, you’re oversharing.
You’re aware that some fact or simply the amount you shared was excessive, even though at the moment it seemed like it was a way to connect to the other person.
If you share too much online, using social media as your personal diary, it’s even worse. Too many people have access to what you post and not all of them have good intentions. The small amount of pleasure you gain from likes, comments and engagement with your post isn’t worth the consequences you might face.
Queste sono le 3 cose da tenere private: the things you don’t have to justify to anyone and that aren’t anyone’s business but yours.
1. Le vostre convinzioni
Essere autentici e aperti è la strada per entrare in contatto con gli altri. Questo è risaputo, ma alcune persone confondono l'essere autentici con il divulgare ogni dettaglio personale a chiunque voglia ascoltare. To be authentic, your beliefs and actions should match – you should live in line with your values instead of trying to please anyone.
This is why oversharing about all aspects of life is the opposite from being authentic. Using vulnerability to gain acceptance, sympathy, connection or anything else isn’t the same as actually being vulnerable.
Before you share with others, you must consider why you’re doing it. If you’re trying to gain something, you’re not being authentic. If you’re trying to build intimacy without laying a foundation first, you’re oversharing.
• Your religious views
Religion is considered a private topic by most people. Respect for other people’s views, their faith or lack thereof is the only thing that should concern you when it comes to religious beliefs that aren’t your own, and you should expect the same.
• Your choices
Your life choices might be objectively awful and still no one is entitled to criticize you about them. As an adult, your choices are your prerogative and your responsibility and you don’t need to discuss them with anyone.
• Your political views
Some people enjoy debating politics, but no discussion will change anyone’s mind. People have intense feelings about politics, so in certain situations your political views can cost you. It doesn’t mean that your political beliefs must be a secret, but make sure you choose who you share them with.
• Your acts of kindness
Be kind to make other people’s lives easier instead of using it as a tool to get ahead or get brownie points. Good deeds enrich the person who does them as much as they help the person who’s on the receiving end. No one needs to know about your charitable and noble actions, and bragging about them will make people dislike you.
2. Il vostro stile di vita
Your personal life is nobody’s business, no matter how convincing those who want to know it might be. If you feel the need to defend your choices, it’s either because you’re unsure of them yourself or someone else is judging you.
People who disapprove of everything that’s different from the way they live usually do it out of envy and unhappiness. Requests to share are usually invitations to explain and justify because they’re different.
Condividere i propri dati personali dovrebbe essere considerato un privilegio. – you don’t owe it to anyone to know anything about you, let alone to try to make them understand why.
• Your finances
You might be broke or loaded, it doesn’t matter. Volunteering your financial status, especially to your extended family, will get you unwanted attention. If you have a lot in the bank, you might be expected to step up whenever someone needs it, and if you don’t, people you thought cared for you might magically disappear.
• Your problems
Your mistakes, resentments, conflicts, annoyances, everyday issues and long-term problems – unless you know for certain that the other person has your best interest in mind and is eager to help you, keep your worries to yourself.
Fanno eccezione il vostro partner, i vostri genitori o altri familiari o amici stretti che vi amano e vogliono vedervi felici.
• Your appearance
Some people believe that they’re entitled to comment on someone’s appearance, but the way you look outside is as private as what’s on the inside. No one has the right to an opinion on how you choose to present yourself or to decide what your appearance implies.
Spesso le persone pensano che il loro contributo in merito a caratteristiche insolite, a cose che considerano poco attraenti, a tatuaggi o al peso sia ben accetto. Assicuratevi di far valere i vostri limiti quando vi infastidiscono.
• Your time
How you spend your day or your future plans doesn’t matter – you don’t need to explain how you use your time to other people. This doesn’t mean refusing to answer when someone asks you what you did over the weekend, it means not having to justify it.
RELATIVO: Vivere un giorno alla volta: il valore di oggi
3. Le vostre relazioni
I dettagli delle vostre relazioni rimangono solo tra voi e l'altra persona coinvolta. Raccontare i dettagli non fa altro che alzare il livello di drammaticità e invitare le persone a intromettersi.. Ad esempio, i vostri familiari e i vostri cari potrebbero avere a cuore i vostri interessi, ma il loro coinvolgimento può comunque causare solo problemi con il vostro partner.
Le relazioni sono anche materiale di prima scelta per i pettegolezzi, quindi dare ad altri l'accesso alle vostre significa dare loro qualcosa da diffondere ulteriormente. Even if you’re sharing to get help solving problems, no one who isn’t part of the relationship can ever have the full picture.
• Your sexual preferences
Your sexual orientation, practices, choice of partner and your sex life in general is something you should always keep private. When you talk about it to people who aren’t involved in it, you’re either opening yourself to gossip or making the conversation awkward because it’s too much information.
• Your romantic relationships
Tenete fuori gli amici e le famiglie che si intromettono e lavorate sulla vostra relazione solo con il vostro partner, perché nessun altro può capire. Mantenete la vostra relazione privata.
L'unica eccezione è rappresentata dai problemi relazionali che devono essere affrontati attraverso la terapia. In questo caso, ovviamente, è necessario coinvolgere il vostro consulente di coppia.
• Your parenting choices
How you raise your children is nobody’s business but yours and your children’s other parent’s. If you two agree, no one else’s opinions matter. Extended families protesting because of your kids’ bedtime or nutrition and telling you it’s okay if they watch another cartoon this once is meddling you should stop before it escalates.
• Your family relationships
Families argue, families love each other, sometimes families aren’t real families, and sometimes families break apart. The details of how you and family members function are known only to you, and people who aren’t a part of it shouldn’t get involved.
RELATIVO: Cosa sono le relazioni a basso impatto? 11 motivi per averne una
3 cose da tenere per sé
In addition to personal matters to keep private, there’s another category of topics you shouldn’t discuss with anyone: cose che riguardano altre persone. It includes both gossip about someone not involved in the conversation and comments about your conversation partner they didn’t ask for.
Talking about things that aren’t related to you is another form of oversharing and done out of the same motives, usually trying to connect to the person you’re talking to. The connection might happen – but it won’t last a very long time.
Invece, you’ll regret it because it will make your relationship with the person you gossip about unpleasant, even if they never find out. When it comes to the person you give an opinion they didn’t ask for, they’ll always view you as someone who looks down on them even if your opinion changes.
1. Other people’s business
Your conversation partner isn’t entitled to know any personal details about yourself and even less about other people. Spettegolare e condividere cose sugli altri è un tentativo di stabilire un qualche tipo di legame o di sentirsi superiori rispetto all'oggetto del pettegolezzo., ma non ne uscirà nulla di buono.
Sharing juicy details you know about others won’t help you make friends. Mentioning something about another person because you don’t know what to talk about doesn’t lead to connection. You’ll be known as a gossip and become a magnet for busybodies who don’t really care about you and you’ll hurt whoever you’re talking about.
2. Il vostro giudizio
Sharing your judgment and opinions about other people will make others dislike you, unless they’re judgmental themselves. Even then, Queste persone vi staranno vicino solo per quello che ricevono da voi.
Keep your opinions about the person across the room private. Don’t talk about how wrong your friend is about their decision to another one of your friends. If you have negative personal feelings about someone, keep them to yourself.
Rude opinions and mean-spirited remarks about someone you don’t like doesn’t show them in a bad light, but you. Jokes at others’ expense and mocking them will only attract people who enjoy such things and want to share their toxic habits with you.
3. Consigli non richiesti
Le vostre riflessioni private su come una persona dovrebbe comportarsi, apparire, vestirsi, parlare, ecc. dovrebbero rimanere nella vostra testa. Feeling entitled to tell people what to do if they haven’t asked you for advice makes it seem like you believe that you’re better than them: avete capito tutto e ora potete elargire la vostra conoscenza a loro.
Fate attenzione anche quando l'altra persona vi chiede la vostra opinione. A volte le persone vogliono davvero che qualcuno le ascolti solo perché sanno già cosa fare. If you’re dispensing advice, look at the other person’s body language to check if they’re eagerly listening or if they’re done after they told you about their problem.
Show respect to others you want to receive yourself and don’t underestimate their judgment by implying you know what’s good for them better than they do themselves.
3 motivi per cui condividiamo troppo
I motivi per cui le persone condividono troppo sono di solito legati ai limiti. The importance of healthy boundaries to living a happy life can’t be overstated. Oversharing is also related to insecurity and competing with other people. This is futile and it will never give you the satisfaction you’re aiming for.
Try to understand why you overshare because once you know what you’re trying to achieve, it will be easier to stop.
1. Mancanza di confini
Conoscere e far valere i propri limiti personali protegge voi e gli altri. Oversharing violates both your own and the other person’s boundaries. The importance of having boundaries between you and other people is that they help you decide what you should or shouldn’t say.
L'eccesso di condivisione allontana le persone. You’ll be seen as a narcissist, inappropriate, awkward or fake instead of authentic and genuine. Lavorare sulla comprensione dei confini è una parte importante dello sviluppo personale che può cambiare completamente le relazioni personali.
Definizione dei confini in communication will make you a better listener and more attentive. Your first instinct shouldn’t be to respond to whatever other people say with details about yourself. Avere autocontrollo, essere più riflessivi e impedirsi di reagire immediatamente. migliorerà la vostra comunicazione e i vostri legami con gli altri.
2. La solitudine
If you don’t have anyone to talk o persone che vi capiscono e con cui potete legare veramente, mentre cercare di prendere una scorciatoia e forzare un legame può accadere. Ogni individuo ha bisogno di essere ascoltato e visto. When you don’t have anyone who can give you that, it’s not unexpected to sometimes feel a little desperate.
Oversharing can come from the need to say “This is who I am and this is my story,” but it’s a misguided attempt to have anyone listen to you and give you attention. Doing it with the wrong people or at the wrong point in your relationship will make sure that you’re not really heard. When you share too soon, people get the wrong picture of you.
Knowing your life details, hopes and fears without having context about what you’re like as a person is more likely to lead to judgment than connection. You might feel connected for a moment, but it can’t last. Costruite le relazioni lentamente: siate onesti e aperti senza essere bisognosi.
3. Insicurezza
L'ansia e la bassa autostima sono motivi comuni per l'eccesso di condivisione. Ognuno di noi vuole che la propria vita sia bella, quindi ci guardiamo intorno per vedere come sono le vite felici. If you’re comparing yourself with others instead of thinking what it is that makes you personalmente happy, you’ll be tempted to try to be like them.
Le cose che fate rivelano le vostre insicurezze. They create a desire to make your own life seem full and exciting, so you share details that you believe will make you seem interesting. What you’re forgetting is that a lot of people want to achieve the same thing, so they paint a picture by choosing what to share.
Questo è particolarmente comune online. Le persone che sembrano condividere tutta la loro vita sui social media vi stanno ingannando. They’re not sharing their personal details, they’re manufacturing an illusion of a perfect life. Un blogger che parla delle sue esperienze potrebbe farlo per le visualizzazioni, mentre un influencer vi sta vendendo un'immagine.
Don’t succumb to the need to prove yourself by sharing personal information, because other people are only making you think they’re doing the same thing. Cercate invece cose che vi appagano veramente e vi rendono felici.
3 consigli per smettere di condividere troppo
Se tendete a condividere troppo, potrebbe essere difficile smettere perché di solito succede al volo.
You’re talking to a co-worker about something work-related and it slips in that you’re on a diet. It doesn’t seem like it’s a big deal, but it opens you up to follow-up questions, judgment and opinions from someone who has nothing to do with you.
Imparare a scegliere cosa dire a chi richiede un po' di pratica, ma diventa più facile man mano che lo si fa. Provate a seguire questi consigli per evitare di condividere troppo:
1. Praticare la consapevolezza
L'unico modo per fermare l'oversharing è quello di essere consapevoli of your words. Think before you speak and don’t volunteer any information that wasn’t requested. Se così fosse, valutate attentamente se l'altra persona dovrebbe saperlo.
Is it someone you’re close to and is it something they should know about you? Unloading your problems on acquaintances will make things awkward and make them not want to build a deeper relationship with you.
2. Considerare la rilevanza
Don’t underestimate the importance of any private information. Le persone possono maltrattarvi e giudicarvi per i più piccoli dettagli, apparentemente irrilevanti.
Telling your co-worker in the example above that you’re trying to lose weight can lead to comments about whether or not you should do it, advice you don’t need, jealousy because you’re doing something they want to but aren’t, and even sabotage.
3. Pensare ai confini
Carefully consider both your own and the other person’s boundaries and what the consequences of oversharing might be. Do you really want your co-worker commenting on your lunch every day because they know you’re watching your weight?
Avere dei confini you’re able to assert relies on having healthy self-esteem. Oversharing will become less of a problem when you learn to trust yourself instead of having to rely on others for validation. Learn to accept your own decisions without needing anyone else’s input and advice.
Tenetevi i vostri affari per voi
Le 3 cose da tenere riservate sono le vostre convinzioni, il vostro stile di vita e le vostre relazioni. Il fatto che le persone sappiano troppo di questi problemi porta a dubitare di se stessi, a mettere in discussione le proprie decisioni e a dare potere agli altri sulla propria vita. Reclaim it by carefully choosing what they can be privy to and what’s your business only.
You should also refrain from talking about things that aren’t about you – gossiping about someone not present and giving others opinions they never asked for. Queste osservazioni e conversazioni possono farvi sentire bene per un momento, ma alla fine vi renderanno solo disconnessi o alla mercé di persone che vogliono abusare di quelle informazioni.
Keeping things private doesn’t mean you can never talk about your values and feelings – it means carefully picking who you share your precious privacy with, when and in what amount. You can connect with people by opening up, but you have to know when it’s time to share and when to stop yourself from trying to overshare.
