Mi sono innamorata di te in modo così innocente. Eri la mia migliore amica, di cui mi sono subito innamorata, conoscendo la tua personalità enigmatica e angosciosa. Eravamo giovani, sì, ma credevo con tutto il cuore che avremmo superato la prova del tempo. Siamo cresciuti insieme, abbiamo condiviso amore, risate, lacrime, difficoltà e ne siamo sempre usciti vincitori. Quindi cosa è andato storto?

I poured myself into you. Now, as a free woman, I see just how you drained me—how I lost myself to you in my inept attempts to save you, to help you. You were doomed from the start. You became my living hell and abused my love time and time again, somehow always shifting the blame or making yourself the victim.

Notizia flash! Sei una persona terribile.

How many times did I have to listen to you, with your head in your hands, moan about how you were this awful, self destructive individual. About how I deserved better and how you ruin everything you touch. How ludicrous to think how those times were always met with me comforting you, telling you you weren’t a monster, that it’s fine and that I’ll help you through it. How often did I unknowingly put my own mental health aside to assist you with yours? Too many times is the answer. You pulled the same boring, monotonous crap when I called you out on your behaviour, when I stood there and said your selfish behaviour wasn’t right. You’d fight me on it, but being the feisty girl I am, I would not back down. Not at least until you played the same trick, bowing your head and forcing out tears, dry sobs about how you hated been called selfish.

Lei è la persona più egoista ed egocentrica che abbia mai incontrato.

Our last year together was the hardest time of my life. We moved in together and pretty soon, I became pregnant. It was unplanned but I was thrilled. You took some time coming round to the idea, although you will deny that profusely now. That’s okay though. I understood as it was a bit of a shock. Over time though, I needed your support then. I needed you to be there for me, to help me as we lived in a home I was completely nervous about being in alone. That was too much for me to ask of you. You insisted uscire e avere una vita sociale. Tornavo a casa dal lavoro, sola, incinta e spaventata. Questo però non è mai bastato a farti cambiare strada. Arrivavi comunque a un'ora assurda e vomitavi nel lavandino della cucina, ben consapevole del fatto che mi ero alzata presto per andare al lavoro.

Avrei dovuto vedere i segnali allora.

Ti sei addolcito man mano che crescevo, ma non sei mai stato abbastanza per darmi il senso di sicurezza che una donna incinta ha diritto di avere dal suo compagno. Poi ci siamo trasferiti in una bella casa nuova, più vicina alla famiglia, perfetta per crescere un bambino insieme come una piccola unità felice. Doveva essere l'inizio di una vita incredibile e beata. Arrivò la nostra bellissima figlia e per due settimane fu tutto perfetto. Sembravamo felici, come lo sarebbero stati tutti i neo-genitori. Una bimba sana, splendida e facile da gestire non poteva che avvicinare una coppia così forte.

Quanto mi sbagliavo, completamente e totalmente.

Come un cervo preso alla sprovvista, vi siete bloccati. Ha evitato di tornare a casa dal lavoro a un orario ragionevole, sostenendo costantemente di non avere spiccioli per l'autobus. Insisteva ancora per uscire la sera un paio di volte alla settimana, nonostante il fatto che lavorasse sei giorni e avesse comunque poco tempo da passare con sua figlia. Dov'era il mio tempo? Quando ho avuto la mia libertà? Ogni momento che ti prendevi, lo portavi via a me. Non avevo altra scelta che fare tutto, combattere tutto da sola.

Ho perso me stesso con l'insorgere della depressione postnatale. Ero sola con il mio bambino perfetto per la maggior parte del tempo, mentre tu facevi di tutto per sfuggire alla responsabilità di diventare genitore. Ti ho fatto sedere nelle rare occasioni in cui eri nei paraggi e ti ho implorato, ti ho supplicato. Ti ho detto che mi sentivo un genitore single, che stavo lottando per farcela, per gestire la situazione e che avevo disperatamente bisogno che tu fossi al mio fianco. Ti ho gridato il mio cuore tante volte, chiedendo disperatamente il tuo aiuto. La risposta che ho ricevuto? “I’m going to bed. I need time to process this”. Never have someone’s words nor actions cut so deep into my chest as those did then. How irrelevant had I become to you at this point that you could just so easily dismiss me and ignore the very real reality that I was fading away? Then you, my best friend and partner of several years, you betrayed me further.

Mi hai tradito nel modo peggiore possibile.

You fell in lust with someone else. You became the clichéd villain in my story and confessed attraction to your work colleague, one of the very colleagues you’d introduced me to, who had met our child and who I’d befriended. You met up with her behind my back to discuss those “Feelings” on a day that should have been dedicated to myself and your daughter. And later that day, you dropped the bomb shell.

“I don’t think I’m in love with you anymore”. That’s right, you didn’t even have the balls to tell me there was someone else.

Not until I forced the truth from your lips. That was when it began to unravel. Because this was not the first time you’d done this to me. A year and a half prior, the same thing occurred. You’d nearly made out with another work colleague on a night out. And that time had killed me, as well as any self-esteem I’d once possessed. Now you were trying to strip me of it again. Despite the immense pain and anxiety you were causing on an hourly basis, we agreed to try and work through our “issues” on the agreement that you were to stop contact with said colleague until we knew where we were. You see, I couldn’t bring myself to instruct you to never speak to her again as I understood how much you’d miss that friendship, how it would affect the circle of work friends you had. How much of a complete and utter moron could I be? Because you didn’t stick to the agreement. You messaged her. But not only did messaging her not satisfy you, no, you had to message her the gooiest, romantic pile of rubbish I sadly had the fortune of landing my eyes upon.

Eppure, dopo il dolore, il tradimento e l'agonia totale delle tue azioni, ho insistito per darti una possibilità di rimediare.

And you took that chance, making promises you had no intention to keep. You dragged my suffering on for weeks which turned into months. You pulled the same crap again—of never been home on time, never taking responsibility for your child. On your ONLY day off, you would disappear for a couple of hours or more and refuse to ever take your child with you. You refused me the time away from parenting that you felt you were so entitled to give yourself in great generous amounts.

Vedi anche: Prima di dargli un'altra possibilità, leggete questo articolo

È finita nel momento in cui hai deciso di rimanere fuori oltre la mezzanotte senza darmi alcuna indicazione.

Ma avete avuto le palle per farlo? Certo che no. Hai provato tutti i trucchi possibili per allontanarmi, per far sì che fossi io a porre fine alla storia. Non è stata una tecnica sottile e io mi sono rifiutato di darti la via d'uscita più facile. Eri sempre tu a dare la colpa, a evitare le responsabilità. Quindi, per una volta nella tua miserabile vita, avresti dovuto farlo. Il vigliacco che sei ci ha messo due settimane prima di tirare le cuoia.

Upon our separation, I asked you for one thing. I asked that you respect me enough to not go running into the arms of the very woman you emotionally cheated with…

Two weeks later, you confessed you’d arranged a date with her. After nine years together, after I’d brought our child into this world, that’s the level of respect you had for me? I regret to say, even then, with all the anger, hurt and betrayal rushing through my body, I still didn’t see you for exactly who you are. After all the arguments, breakdowns and tears, you remained stony and cold in your level of respect for me. You played sneaky, devious, trying to make out that I was the cheat by incorrectly wording your stories. You tried to play the victim and say that I had moved on quickly by seeking physical validation with someone else. It really doesn’t take a genius to understand that that’s what my intentions were with such interactions. You used my role as primary parent as a weapon, accusing me of doing just that when really it was about taking care of myself.

That’s right, I put myself first and you tried to make it about you.

Si è mostrato sorpreso quando ho espresso le mie preoccupazioni sul fatto che lei si occupasse da solo della nostra bambina per un periodo prolungato. Come potevo fidarmi della sua capacità di farcela quando non mi aveva fornito alcuna prova in tal senso da quando era nata? Poi ha cercato di accusarmi di non averle dato la possibilità di farlo. Quante volte ho implorato e pianto per il suo aiuto, perché si comportasse davvero come un padre e mi aiutasse?

And even after all this, I hadn’t hit rock bottom. Not yet.

I reached the lowest point barely days ago. We had gotten to a point over the span of a couple of weeks where we were talking like two decent human beings. We were becoming friendly again, reminding me of the friendship we used to have and that on lonely nights I craved so badly. You lulled me into a blissful, false sense of security, where I’d got my friend back—the best friend I missed and whose absence had hit me just as hard as the loss of a long-term lover. Then the bomb hit. You had arranged to go on a double date with the girl you cheated on me and left me for with our joint best friend. Not even 4 months after our separation. And, once again showing your absolute cowardice, it wasn’t even from your lips I learned this from.

I have spent the last 2 days crying like I’ve never cried before. And you saw those tears. You saw the rawness of my face, the redness in my eyes as I tried desperately not to completely lose myself to the pain.

It wasn’t enough for you to completely ruin my world, to show a complete lack of remorse and respect for me, to belittle my feelings so harshly. No, you had to introduce your new foolish girlfriend into our joint friendship group so soon, without a single thought thrown my way.

Con un'unica azione egocentrica, siete riusciti a isolarmi, a violare il mio spazio e a spezzarmi completamente più di quanto abbiate mai fatto prima.

Do I think it was done maliciously? No. But that makes it worse. I have such little space left in your life, in your thoughts that my emotions, still very fraught from your previous assaults, meant so little to you. I didn’t once cross your mind while you made such nefarious plans. I spent nine years of my life loving you and I’ve somehow become that irrelevant to you.

Ho passato gli ultimi giorni in lacrime, ma anche bloccata nella rabbia, nell'odio. La tua precedente cordialità mi sembra un altro tradimento. Volevi di nuovo il meglio di me. Rivuoi i pezzi migliori di tutto: la ragazza che hai scelto al posto della tua famiglia e il tuo migliore amico. Non meritate di essere felici. Non meriti una vita facile. Non meriterai mai la parte di me che un tempo ti ho dato con tanta facilità e prontezza.

Oggi ho avuto la mia epifania. La stessa consapevolezza che mi era stata detta centinaia di volte da quando ci eravamo lasciati.

Non sei degno del mio odio. I realised that I can voice my opinions, tell you about the harm you constantly keep inflicting upon me. I can scream and shout and cuss until I’m blue in the face, until there are no more tears left to cry. I can berate you. I can breakdown before you as I have done numerous times before. I can plead and I can beg. I can continue to waste my precious energy on the anger and hatred I feel towards you and the very girl I considered a friend.

Ma qual è il punto?

You will not listen. You will not change. You will not care. You will continue to be the “woe is me” guy. You will continue to be selfish, self-centred and cruel. You will not stop being the person I now know you to be. You will still be the narcissistic, cowardly little boy and nothing I say will change that. You are not worth the energy it takes to be angry. I’m only keeping myself down as I hold onto that grief-induced fury.

Eri la causa della mia angoscia. Ora non sei più nulla. Sei irrilevante e continuerò a ricordarmelo per il resto della mia vita, se necessario.

Non sono neanche lontanamente guarita e non credo che lo sarò per un bel po' di tempo. Tuttavia, sono distrutta e finalmente lo riconosco. Avete continuato ad aggravare il danno, ad aggiungere altre crepe a me, finché non sono andata in frantumi. Ora posso rimettermi in sesto. I will not be the same and nor do I desire to be. I will create a beautiful mosaic from the remnants of who I once was as I design a better, stronger me. I will focus on loving me and learning about myself. I will discover who I am as an individual and I will grow stronger with each passing day that I refuse to allow the anger and resentment to rule me. I will become the best version of myself and I will work hard to achieve that. And along the way, you get no part of the creation. You do not have the privilege to know the new me, to bask in my light or to share in my friendships. You have destroyed any chance of that happening. You will always play a part in my life, as my daughter’s father, but your role to me personally will be miniscule.

Non riderò della vostra sfortuna quando il karma vi farà visita, né mi interesserà.

From this moment forth, you are nothing more than my perfect child’s biological father and that is all you will ever be.

The road ahead for me will be tough and that is terrifying but also exciting. I will have down days; I will have up days. There will be times where I want to cry my eyes out, whether that be from the stresses of single parenting, loneliness or heartache. But I will remember at those times of hardship that I escaped—that I had a lucky escape and that separation really gives you clarity to the hell you were submitting yourself to.

Sono un mosaico in divenire. Sarò la versione più bella e vibrante di me stessa, composta dai pezzi della mia persona precedente. Sarò più saggia. Sarò più intelligente e, soprattutto, sarò più felice. Per mesi le persone mi hanno ripetuto la stessa cosa: non permettere all'amarezza e alla rabbia di dominarmi. Forse me lo hanno ripetuto migliaia di volte, ma finché non l'ho capito da sola, il compito era impossibile. Vivrò ogni giorno per me e per mia figlia di un anno. Mi rispetterò. Mi prenderò cura di me stessa. Imparerò ad amare me stesso.

di Katie Aspinall