Tutto quello che c'è da sapere sull'arte malvagia di scaricarsi le responsabilità
Gaslighting, threats, self-deception, and blame shifting. These are the most popular tactics used by abusive people and today we’ll focus on the art of playing the blame game.
Che cos'è lo scaricabarile?
Si tratta di una tattica o di un comportamento emotivamente offensivo utilizzato da chi abusa, in cui attribuisce alla vittima (un'altra persona) i propri sentimenti, pensieri indesiderati e motivazioni.
In altre parole, si tratta di una tattica di abuso in cui chi abusa incolpa gli altri delle proprie azioni, dei propri problemi e del proprio stato d'animo.
Si tratta di un tipo di meccanismo di autodifesa molto diffuso tra i narcisisti e gli individui che esercitano il controllo.
Invece di accettare le conseguenze delle proprie azioni e di affrontare i propri sentimenti, scelgono di dare la colpa agli altri.
Il desiderio di sfuggire all'assunzione di responsabilità per i problemi li trasforma in scaricatori di responsabilità. Utilizzano un linguaggio specifico e tattiche sporche per convincere la vittima che la colpa è sua.
Such abusive behavior is a direct attack on the victim’s well-being. Learning about red flags and types of blame shifting will help you recognize abusive behavior on time.
Perché i narcisisti e le persone che esercitano il controllo hanno la tendenza a scaricare le colpe?
Questa è probabilmente la prima domanda che viene in mente quando si pensa agli scaricatori di responsabilità e alle loro sporche tattiche. Perché lo fanno? Pensano che non ve ne accorgerete?
Lo fanno per molte ragioni e le più comuni sono le seguenti:
Per evitare di assumersi la responsabilità delle proprie parole e azioni
Sono consapevoli di tutte le cose offensive che hanno detto/fatto alla vittima e, incolpandola, evitano di assumersene la piena responsabilità.
Usano frasi come: You make me really mad. I would never have done it if you hadn’t… Con parole come queste, costringono la vittima a credere che qualsiasi cosa sia accaduta sia colpa sua.
E nella maggior parte dei casi, la vittima inizia a credere che sia vero. L'accusa di vittimismo ha questo effetto sulle persone.
They start thinking that everything is their fault and that they need to change themselves but in reality, the only problem is the abuser’s behavior.
That is why the victims often become more self-aware and worried about their next move. They start walking on eggshells, being anxious about repeating the same “mistake” and pissing off the abuser.
Per mantenere/stabilire il dominio
Ogni abusatore sa che il modo più semplice per mantenere o stabilire il dominio su qualcuno è farlo sentire meno degno e privarlo della fiducia in se stesso.
Dando la colpa agli altri, si invia loro un messaggio: Non sarete mai abbastanza bravi, per quanto vi sforziate.
Per questo motivo, le vittime si convincono che non saranno mai abbastanza brave e iniziano a pensare di meritare di essere trattate così o, per meglio dire, maltrattate.
È così che un abusante riesce a stabilire e mantenere il dominio sull'altra persona. Queste relazioni tossiche possono durare per anni senza che la vittima si renda conto di cosa stia accadendo esattamente.
Vedi anche: Comportamento controllante: Segni, cause e come affrontarlo
Per preservare il loro senso di superiorità
Narcissists and controlling people NEED to be always right. If you’re in a relationship with such a person, no matter what you say to them, it will be turned against you.
Lo fanno come metodo di autoconservazione e per proteggere il loro senso di superiorità. Indipendentemente da ciò che fate o dite, i loro metodi e il loro pensiero saranno sempre migliori dei vostri.
Essere superiori a qualcuno rende più facile manipolarlo ed è proprio così che funziona l'arte di scaricare le colpe.
Chi si sente in colpa è colui che finisce per essere subordinato in una relazione e in generale.
Continuare a fare cose cattive senza provare dispiacere per questo
Un altro motivo per cui i narcisisti e le persone che esercitano il controllo hanno la tendenza a dare la colpa al turno è che hanno bisogno di un alibi per continuare a fare cose cattive senza dover dare spiegazioni o sentirsi in colpa.
They even convince themselves that the victim is to blame so that they don’t feel guilty for accusing them. This helps them continue with the same mistreatment of the victim.
Naturalmente, la vittima non ne è a conoscenza e in questo modo dà indirettamente il via libera all'abusante per continuare a maltrattarla.
Come funziona il trasferimento delle colpe
Il trasferimento della colpa è una tattica di abuso emotivo che funziona in base al principio che l'abusante conosce tutte le vostre debolezze e le usa contro di voi.
Si rivolgono alle vostre insicurezze, alla vostra tendenza a compiacere gli altri e alla vostra mentalità generale.
They learn exactly where to hit you with words so that they can shift blame onto you and make you apologize even though you haven’t done anything wrong.
Their goal is to CONVINCE you that you’re the one to blame.
They know how to influence you into thinking that you need to start working on your behavior because if you don’t, they will continue doing bad things because of you.
Their goal is to make you believe that you’re the main cause of their bad behavior toward you.
Gli abusanti si concentrano esclusivamente sulle vostre parole e azioni per poter sviluppare una strategia che sfrutti le vostre insicurezze per incolparvi.
Most victims were emotionally neglected during childhood thus experiencing a lack of love, support, and protection. That is why they don’t see all those warning signs as such but as something that is normal.
Quando si cresce in un ambiente instabile, il senso della realtà si distorce. I livelli di fiducia e l'autostima diminuiscono in modo significativo, rendendo il soggetto un facile bersaglio per i maltrattatori.
Per questo motivo, molte vittime trascorrono anni in una relazione di abuso perché pensano che il problema sia loro e non dell'abusante.
Le vittime spesso si convincono di essere in realtà degli abusatori e si impegnano a fondo per compiacere il vero abusatore.
Una volta ho avuto una relazione con un uomo del genere.
When I first met him, I had no idea that he belonged to the crew of emotional abusers. I mean, I couldn’t know until something happened.
Per l'esattezza, sono accaduti alcuni piccoli incidenti e mi sono resa conto che lui cercava di dare la colpa a me solo per difendere la sua immagine di sé. Mi sono resa conto di essere il capro espiatorio della nostra relazione.
Diceva sempre cose come: Admit that you did something wrong and If you didn’t do it, I wouldn’t have to say/do this/that.
Pensavo per un attimo alle sue parole e subito iniziavo a incolparmi per tutte quelle cose che erano successe. Mi dicevo: I’m not good enough. I need to work on myself. I need to become better.
The reason why he succeeded in convincing me that I was the one to blame is because I’m an empath and I really care about other people’s feelings. And he knew that very well.
L'empatia era il mio punto debole e le sue tendenze narcisistiche mi avrebbero probabilmente distrutto se non avessi aperto gli occhi e capito che per tutto quel tempo era lui il colpevole. Era lui che doveva lavorare su se stesso.
5 tecniche più comuni di spostamento della colpa utilizzate dai narcisisti
Sminuire i propri sentimenti
This is probably one of the most popular narcissistic techniques. From my friends’ recent experiences, I can see that it is still trending. This abusive technique works like this:
Let’s say that they hurt you one way or another and you tell them how you are feeling about it. Instead of accepting it and sympathizing, an abuser would laugh at you and belittle your feelings.
Direbbero qualcosa come: You’re overly sensitive. You’re overreacting. You’re imagining things. You’re insane. You lack a sense of humor.
Dicendo tutto questo, vi stanno dando la colpa per la vostra reazione e non per qualcosa che hanno fatto loro.
Non sono più il problema e il centro dell'attenzione, ma vi fanno sentire come se foste voi il problema per aver reagito in modo eccessivo o per essere troppo sensibili.
Ora l'attenzione è tutta su di voi e non sul loro cattivo comportamento, che è esattamente il loro obiettivo principale.
Fare la vittima
Se chiedete loro di smettere di deridervi o di trattarvi male, iniziano immediatamente a fare la vittima. Si riferiscono a eventi passati sostenendo che li avete feriti all'epoca, facendo loro stessi la vittima.
Questa tecnica viene utilizzata anche per spostare l'attenzione da loro alla vittima. Accusandovi di averli feriti in passato, cambiano argomento e, indirettamente, cambiano il tema. costringendovi a chiedere scusa.
They are so skillful at this blaming game that you don’t even realize what’s really happening. From being an abuser, they turn themselves into the biggest victim and they make you apologize and feel sorry for them.
So, you end up apologizing, not knowing why or how, but you do because it feels like the right thing to do (especially if you’re an empath like myself).
Vedi anche: 13 cose strane che i narcisisti fanno per manipolare le loro vittime
Storie di pietà
The truth is that many abusers grew up in an unstable environment where their emotional needs weren’t met and they were neglected. That’s their favorite tool for making you feel sorry for them.
Se vi fanno del male e voi chiedete come vi sentite al riguardo, loro dicono qualcosa sulla loro infanzia traumatica, su un ex violento o qualcosa di simile. Lo fanno solo per giustificare le loro azioni e farvi solidarizzare con loro.
Quindi, cosa fate? Come vittima, iniziate a simpatizzare con loro, ad abbracciarli e a consolarli, anche se sono loro che dovrebbero farlo in primo luogo perché hanno ferito VOI, ricordate?
Utilizzano le storie di pietà per creare un'immagine di sé come di esseri fragili e feriti che non hanno alcun controllo sulle proprie azioni.
They make you believe that they aren’t doing anything intentionally but that their past events are to blame for their abusive behavior.
These past events soon become an excuse for them to do whatever they want to you while you’re showering them with understanding, solace, and nice words.
Mettervi sulla difensiva
Ci sono molti modi in cui un abusante mette la vittima sulla difensiva e il litigio è uno dei più comuni.
They don’t focus on what’s being discussed but rather on the way you’re discussing it with them.
Criticano il vostro tono di voce, vi accusano di proiettarvi, di fare il filo, di scaricare le colpe, di minimizzare e così via.
L'attenzione non è più rivolta al loro comportamento, che è l'oggetto della discussione. L'attenzione si concentra invece su di voi e sul vostro stile di argomentazione.
That is when you start apologizing for the tone of your voice, for “blaming them” and such. They accuse you of things that are not true and have nothing to do with the overall argument.
Mettendovi sulla difensiva, riescono a scaricare la colpa su di voi con facilità.
La bomba di puzza
When they are running short of excuses and blaming techniques, abusers decide to throw the stench bomb; to accuse you of terrible things you know you didn’t do.
While you’re focused on what they did to you and struggling to find words to explain how you’re feeling, they are busy thinking of accusing you of things.
When you know exactly what you’re going to tell them, they intercept you by saying something like the following: You are the one who abused me. I know you lied to me. You’re a psychopath and a stalker. You never cared about me. You played me.
L'argomento viene rigirato per accusarvi di abuso narcisistico. Siete presi alla sprovvista e non sapete più cosa volevate dire loro.
L'unica cosa su cui ci si può concentrare è cercare di difendersi e convincerli che non stanno dicendo la verità. Ancora una volta, ottengono ciò che volevano: Now the blame is yours and not theirs.
If You’re A Victim Of Blame Shifting, Here’s What You Need To Do!
If you or someone you know are dealing with blame shifters, you will probably become tempted to start justifying your actions and explaining yourself to the abuser. Well, that’s exactly what you SHOULDN’T do. Why?
Because that’s their main goal. It’s what THEY want you to do. If you start defending yourself, it means they won and they will know it, too.
Explaining yourself to the abuser for things you didn’t do means that you are acknowledging them.
In altre parole, significa che sono riusciti a scaricare la colpa su di voi e che ora l'attenzione è tutta su di voi e non su di loro.
Attirandovi in questa trappola, stanno prosciugando le vostre energie, rovinando la vostra salute mentale e privandovi dell'autostima e della fiducia in voi stessi.
Più vi spiegate, più vi distruggete, rendendo più facile per loro continuare a manipolarvi in futuro.
Qualunque cosa facciate o diciate, un abusante la userà contro di voi.
There isn’t a single way to prove to them that you are right and they are wrong. Your every word, reaction, and facial expression will be used against you and you will be blamed for it.
We’re talking about an endless chain of self-destruction, a limbo, labyrinth, or whatever you want to call it. So, what should you do?
NOTHING. You shouldn’t fight back, explain yourself, or contradict them. L'unica cosa da fare è andarsene. No matter how hard it is for you to do that, you shouldn’t think twice about it.
Tenete presente che non potete aiutarli e non potete dimostrare loro che hanno torto. Il loro obiettivo principale è quello di incolpare sempre voi per le cose che fanno.
That means they will not stop doing those things and they will not stop blaming you if you don’t put an end to it and stop being on the receiving end of the abuse.
60 Citazioni sullo spostamento delle colpe
1. “It’s time to care; it’s time to take responsibility; it’s time to lead; it’s time for a change; it’s time to be true to our greatest self; it’s time to stop blaming others.” – Steve Maraboli
2. “Focus on fixing the problem, never focus on the blame. Problems are only resolved when solutions are sought.” – Catherine Pulsifer
3. “Stop the blame game. Stop! Stop looking out the window and look in the mirror!” – Eric Thomas
4. “Blame-shifting is a natural human reaction. It happens on the smallest to the largest scale.” – HG Tudor
5. “An important decision I made was to resist playing the Blame Game. The day I realized that I am in charge of how I will approach problems in my life, that things will turn out better or worse because of me and nobody else, that was the day I knew I would be a happier and healthier person. And that was the day I knew I could truly build a life that matters.” – Steve Goodier
6. “When we assign blame we are pointing the finger to who or what is responsible for a fault or for a wrongdoing. We are trying to make others accountable. Blaming does not solve a problem it usually only makes people defensive.” – Catherine Pulsifer
7. “Blame is fascinating – it shapes our lives. It can be a benign way of positioning ourselves, a gentle joust or banter, or it can be poisonous, hurtful or devastating for its victims. It can tear apart marriages and fracture work relationships; it can disable major social programmes; it can inflict damage on powerful corporations; it can bring down governments; it can start wars and justify genocides.” – Stephen Fineman
8. “Blame is the demonstrated lack of self-respect choosing to deposit one’s negative actions onto others to reinforce one’s view of being good, fair, and approved.” – Byron R. Pulsifer
9. “If you are looking to inspire people then blaming is the last thing you want to do. To inspire others, focus your attention on the solution, not the blame. No good comes from blame, good comes from finding a way to correct the situation.” – Kate Summers
10. “Blame doesn’t empower you. It keeps you stuck in a place you don’t want to be because you don’t want to make the temporary, but painful decision, to be responsible for the outcome of your own life’s happiness.” – Shannon L. Alder
11. “Fruit of passive-aggressive people. These people resist demands by indirect tactics. They will not take responsibility for their own choices; instead, they turn around and blame someone else for making them do it. Or they will agree to do things that they don’t really want to do, and then gripe about the person behind her back.” – Henry Cloud
12. “When you gain real insight into the human universe, you lose the capacity to blame.” – Abhijit Naskar
13. “Wherever you find a problem, you will usually find the finger-pointing of blame. Society is addicted to playing the victim.” – Stephen R. Covey
14. “When you keep blaming others for every mistake you make in life one day you’ll look back and realize you’re the mistake all along.” – Abdulazeez Henry Musa
15. “However, anger usually involves the externalizing of blame. When we become angry, we usually consider the source of our anger to be outside ourselves.” – Raymond A. DiGiuseppe
16. “When discouraged some people will give up, give in or give out far too early. They blame their problems on difficult situations, unreasonable people or their own inabilities. When discouraged other people will push back that first impulse to quit, push down their initial fear, push through feelings of helplessness and push ahead. They’re less likely to find something to blame and more likely to find a way through.” – Steve Goodier
17. “The blame game is a waste of time. Any time you’re busy fixing blame, you’re wasting energy and not fixing the problem.” – Rick Warren
18. “If you feel the need to make someone feel less assured of themselves or have to call another person out, you may gain a false sense of superiority.” – Kristin Michelle Elizabeth
19. “I reckon that blaming people fixes nothing. You’re the only person who is going to sort you out. No-one else really can – or really cares, enough. That’s what Nepalis know – better than anyone. That’s our Western disease. Don’t take responsibility. Take on a lawyer.” – Jane Wilson-Howarth
20. “All too often we have been pulled away from being honest with ourselves and drawn into a game of blaming others for bad situations. Just how crazy has our society become with playing ‘the blame game’.” – Joseph E. McGuire
21. “Until you stop blaming others for your unhappy life and take responsibility for it, your will remain the same. The choice is yours.” – Christine E. Szymanski
22. “Criticism is not a bad thing. It can help you strengthen your marriage, if it is done correctly. But, some wives criticize their partners to have a reason to blame them or to justify their actions. This type of criticism can affect the confidence and trust of your husband towards you.” – Franchesca May
23. “Blaming others is an act of refusing to take responsibility. When a person can’t accept the fact or the reality, they blame another person or the situation instead of taking accountability.” – Dee Dee Artner
24. “All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won’t succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.” – Wayne Dyer
25. “Stop blaming and start aiming.” – Rob Liano
26. “Blaming is a dead-end street that doesn’t help anyone. But until we risk telling the truth to ourselves about how we really feel, nothing in our lives can change or improve.” – Christiane Northrup
27. “Blaming others is excusing yourself.” – Robin Sharma
28. “It’s always easy to blame someone else or outside forces for our actions… Yet we don’t have the right to blame other people or circumstances for our behavior.” – Joyce Meyer
29. “Guilt can be an unrelenting source of pain. It keeps us stuck in the past and prevents us from moving forward. We might hold a belief that we should feel guilty and condemn ourselves – not once, but over and over. Or, guilt may simmer in our unconscious. Either way, this kind of guilt is insidious and self-destructive and can sabotage our goals and relationships. It lowers our self-esteem and makes us easy targets for blame and manipulation.” – Darlene Lancer
30. “The misattribution of blame is one reason we make the same mistakes over and over again. We learn so little from experience because we often blame the wrong cause.” – Joseph T. Hallinan
Vedi anche: 9 motivi per cui il tuo fidanzato narcisista scarica sempre la colpa su di te
31. “As a consequence of what we do wrong or what others do wrong to us, blame and criticism will be attributed. Sometimes this blame might seem just but other times it does not. However, no matter how just it might appear, blame never undoes what is done.” – Geof Warren
32. “It’s easy to blame others for your situation. It’s much more productive to search your own past and find what caused your faults.” – Unknown
33. “You’ll never get ahead by blaming your problems on other people.” – Willie Nelson
34. “When people are lame, they love to blame.” – Robert Kiyosaki
35. “Never blame another person for your personal choices – you are still the one who must live out the consequences of your choices.” – Caroline Myss
36. “You made your choices to get where you are now in life, stop blaming others for your misfortune and choose wisely next time.” – Leon Brown
37. “When you blame and criticize others, you are avoiding some truth about yourself.” – Deepak Chopra
38. “When you check your own mind properly, you stop blaming others for your problems.” – Thubten Yeshe
39. “When you blame others, you give up your power to change.” – Robert Anthony
40. “Some people love being victims because they love being able to blame someone else. Accountability is too much for them. They don’t like being responsible for who they have become or where they are in life.” – Unknown
41. “The superior man blames himself. The inferior man blames others.” – Don Shula
42. “Stop blaming other people and circumstances for killing your dreams. The truth is; we tend to talk ourselves out of acting upon our dreams.” – Steve Maraboli
43. “You are responsible for your life. You can’t keep blaming somebody else for your dysfunction. Life is really about moving on.” – Oprah Winfrey
44. “Great leaders don’t rush to blame. They instinctively look for solutions.” – Nina Easton
45. “A bad mood is often the reason for blaming others; but very often blaming others causes bad feelings in us: the more we blame others, the worse we feel.” – Leo Tolstoy
46. “Take charge of your own attitude. Don’t blame anyone else. You control you.” – Unknown
47. “The dream doesn’t lie in victimization or blame; it lies in hard work, determination and a good education.” – Alphonso Jackson
48. “Your life is the fruit of your own doing. You have no one to blame but yourself.” – Joseph Campbell
49. “It’s always easy to blame others. You can spend your entire life blaming the world, but your success and failures are entirely your own responsibility.” – Paulo Coelho
50. “Blame is just a lazy person’s way of making sense of chaos.” – Douglas Coupland
51. “People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can’t find them, make them.” – George Bernard Shaw
52. “You can either blame everybody else or you can take a look at yourself and determine where you can improve.” – Robert Kiyosaki
53. “You will never become who you want to be if you keep blaming everyone else for who you are now.” – John Spence
54. “Take responsibility for your last bad decision, and then let it go. Don’t blame others or make excuses for yourself.” – Deepak Chopra
55. “A man can fail many times, but he isn’t a failure until he begins to blame somebody else.” – John Burroughs
56. “Fair play is primarily not blaming others for anything that is wrong with us.” – Eric Hoffer
57. “People are afraid, and when people are afraid, when their pie is shrinking, they look for somebody to hate. They look for somebody to blame. And a real leader speaks to anxiety and to fear and allays those fears, assuages anxiety.” – Henry Louis Gates
58. “Life changing repentance begins where blame shifting ends.” – Timothy Keller
59. “It is better for you to take responsibility for your life as it is, instead of blaming others, or circumstances, for your predicament. As your eyes open, you’ll see that your state of health, happiness, and every circumstance of your life has been, in large part, arranged by you – consciously or unconsciously.” – Dan Millman
60. “Don’t try to blame the pain on anyone. Blaming others won’t erase the pain.” – Hyde
Pensieri finali
If you or someone you know are a victim of blame shifting, keep in mind that it is not how it should be and you deserve to be in a healthy relationship. Here’s one of the best consigli sulle relazioni:
Remember that you should never explain yourself or defend yourself when the abuser attacks you because that’s exactly what they want you to do.
Invece, dovete farvi valere e allontanarvi coraggiosamente in silenzio (e cercare un aiuto professionale, se necessario), perché tutto ciò che direte a loro sarà usato contro di voi.
Vedi anche: 7 modi per proteggersi dagli abusi emotivi
