Cosa fare quando qualcuno cancella i propri programmi all'ultimo minuto
I got annoyed when a friend of mine sent a “Sorry, can’t make it” text after I had already arrived at the bar where we were supposed to meet up. Still, I didn’t get mad at her. Può succedere a chiunque, giusto?
Qualche giorno dopo, mi ha scritto un messaggio a caso e non mi ha mai detto perché aveva disdetto, né tantomeno si è scusata.
She clearly didn’t consider it a big deal, which made me think about our relationship in general. Mi apprezzava davvero o era solo un'amica per convenienza? Mi chiedevo se stessi esagerando?
When someone cancels plans last minute, sometimes it’s really not a big deal. However, in some cases, it’s definitely a warning sign that you should examine your relationship with that person.
Here’s why people cancel plans at the last minute and what to do about it.
Cosa fare quando qualcuno cancella i propri programmi all'ultimo minuto
Quando qualcuno cancella i propri piani all'ultimo minuto, la risposta generica sarebbe quella di lasciar perdere e andare avanti. Una risposta più utile dipende dalle circostanze.
In my case, the only difference between my friend canceling last minute and her standing me up was that she texted me to say she wouldn’t be able to make it.
After I spent some time thinking about my relationship with her, I did realize that she wasn’t a real friend. Il suo atteggiamento negligente in questo caso era solo un sintomo di qualcosa che probabilmente avrei dovuto notare prima.
It’s not always this dramatic when someone cancels plans last minute, though. La vostra reazione dipenderà da altri fattori legati ai piani annullati.
Ecco alcune domande per aiutarvi a capire la situazione.
1. C'è un motivo importante per la cancellazione?
You assume that something important came up when someone cancels plans last minute, but it doesn’t actually have to be anything big.
Il punto è se quello che è successo è più importante dei piani che avete fatto. Se danno la priorità a qualcosa di banale piuttosto che passare del tempo con voi, you shouldn’t waste your energy on them.
Naturalmente ci sono motivi legittimi per saltare qualsiasi piano o accordo. Un'emergenza familiare, un incidente o una malattia sono più importanti di qualsiasi impegno per la maggior parte delle persone.
Everyone knows this, and some people sometimes use these situations as excuses to lie when they want to get out of things. This doesn’t mean these things don’t happen, but they’re much less frequent than we pretend they are.
Il vero motivo dell'annullamento dei piani può essere qualsiasi. It’s up to you to judge whether the other person has been honest about what it was and to decide if it was a good reason to cancel.
2. Si sono scusati?
A sincere apology is one of the pillars of healthy relationships, so it’s a pity people hate apologizing so much. It’s usually pride or conviction that you’re right that stops a person from apologizing, but very often, people simply don’t care enough.
Come ci si scusa? A real apology expresses genuine regret and doesn’t put the blame on the other person. A fake apology is usually just about being sorry you are being forced to apologize and doesn’t solve anything.
Quando qualcuno disdice i propri impegni all'ultimo minuto senza scusarsi, si potrebbe avere l'impressione che they don’t think your time is as important as their own or that they don’t value you at all.
In the grand scheme of things, canceled plans aren’t such a big deal, but when it seems like the other person doesn’t care, the consequences can change from ruining your mood to making you lose interest in that person.
3. Hanno suggerito nuovi piani?
Someone who cancels the plans you had together when they didn’t want to will probably still want to meet up, so they’re going to ask you to reschedule or suggest alternate plans.
If they’re serious about it, they’ll actually give you options or ask you when it would work for you.
When someone isn’t particularly interested in getting together, they might not even mention making different plans. If they do, they’re going to be vague and non-committal.
If it’s a suggestion to take a rain check or a “Let’s meet up another time,” don’t hold your breath. Instead, make plans with someone who’s going to make time for you.
This doesn’t mean that you don’t need this person in your life at all. Your relationship might still work even if you don’t meet up a lot.
It might be a family member you see once a year or a good friend who’s just a flake that can’t be bothered but sends you the best memes. Pick what’s important to you.
4. Come hanno annullato i vostri piani?
Si sono assunti la responsabilità della cancellazione?
When plans include more than one person, many people feel like it’s okay to cancel without regret because there are others around to pick up the slack. Credono di non avere l'obbligo di mantenere le loro promesse perché qualcun altro può prendere il loro posto.
Il fatto che abbiamo sempre con noi i nostri telefoni fa sì che le persone si aspettino che siamo sempre disponibili. It also means that sending a text is considered doing your part in communicating, and whether or not the other person has read it isn’t our problem.
Disdire via SMS è molto più facile che telefonare a qualcuno e parlargli davvero.
When canceling over something that isn’t a good reason, people tend to feel guilty. A text is painless compared to speaking to the other person and admitting you’re not coming.
5. Come vi tratta questa persona per il resto?
La prima volta che qualcuno disdice un programma, gli si concede il beneficio del dubbio. It’s annoying, but we’ve all been there – something comes up, and you just can’t get out of it. La seconda volta sembrano già sfaldati.
When it becomes a habit, it’s clear that you’re dealing with someone who’s selfish. Questa potrebbe essere l'occasione perfetta per get rid of someone who’s toxic e crea solo problemi nella vostra vita.
When you’re looking forward to going out with someone, you arrange your time around it. Potreste rifiutare altri piani e rimandare gli impegni per vederli.
Instead of resting, working, or spending time with someone else, you’re putting on make up, choosing an outfit, and getting ready to go out. It’s not just the time you would have spent together that’s wasted when someone cancels plans last minute.
Una persona che vi apprezza ne sarà consapevole. Someone who doesn’t probably tends to show their carelessness in other ways as well.
Think about your relationship – does this person normally treat you with respect and appreciation, or is a last-minute cancel totally something you would expect of them?
6. Come li trattate?
When someone cancels plans last minute, you’ll get annoyed or feel relieved if you were thinking about doing the same thing. If you were looking forward to going out, essere onesti con se stessi e pensate a come trattate questa persona prima di arrabbiarsi.
Arrivate sempre puntuali quando vi incontrate o anche voi tendete ad abbandonare gli appuntamenti? Is this a mutual thing, and are you only feeling bad because you’re on the receiving end of a last-minute cancellation?
People often feel hurt when someone does something to them that they don’t consider a big deal when they do it.
Do you tend to cancel on your best friend when you’re feeling too lazy to go out? If you change your mind about going on a date, do you let them know on short notice?
There’s a chance that you’ve developed a relationship with this person where commitments aren’t considered serious. Se volete che le cose cambino, dovete comunicare e iniziare a cambiare il vostro comportamento.
Perché le persone annullano i piani all'ultimo minuto?
Perché cancelliamo i nostri programmi? Tutti lo facciamo per un motivo o per l'altro, ma alcune persone affrontano un appuntamento cancellato o mancato con molta più disinvoltura di altre.
Most of the time, it’s not about the person who’s being bailed on. It’s almost always a personal issue of the person who’s doing the canceling.
Questi sono alcuni dei motivi per cui le persone annullano i piani.
1. They just don’t feel like going out anymore.
Pensate a una volta in cui siete stati tentati di rimanere a casa anche se avevate dei programmi. You come home after a stressful day at work, and now you have to go for a drink with some guy you’re only kind of interested in? You’d probably rather veg on your couch and watch TV.
If you’re someone who honors their responsibilities and you went despite your moment of laziness, you probably had a good time.
Le persone sono spesso attente alla soddisfazione momentanea. When we cancel simply because we feel like we don’t want to do whatever we promised we would, it easily becomes a habit.
Some people don’t consider the other person when they cancel plans, only their feelings. Because they don’t want to go at that moment, the other person’s feelings don’t matter.
If someone does things like this repeatedly and without remorse, it might be a red flag that you’re dealing with a narcissist.
2. There’s a better option.
Some people aren’t really sure if they even want to go, so if something better comes up, they have no problem canceling. If they’re not sure they want to do it, why make plans in the first place?
People make plans because someone asked them or just in case they want to go out when the time comes. Sometimes they think they’ll be able to meet up, but when the time comes, they decide that doing something else is a better option.
Someone like this is usually a chronic bailer, so when someone treats you like this, it’s best not to take any plans you make with them seriously. The truth is, they don’t care about you enough to make an effort, so they don’t deserve your effort either.
If they can’t be bothered to keep their promises about meeting up, they probably won’t keep their promises about more important things either. Le persone trovano il tempo per ciò che vogliono. Mantenete un atteggiamento informale e aspettate di trovare un'opzione migliore.
3. It’s about anxiety.
Le persone affette da ansia si preoccupano di molte cose. When they make plans, they might easily work themselves into a state of being overwhelmed if they don’t know how to deal with their feelings.
They might start thinking about things like how they’re going to come across, how the other person is going to act, or what they’re going to talk about. So when the time comes to meet up, they simply don’t feel like they can do it, and they cancel.
L'ansia fa sì che ci si preoccupi, ma spinge anche a procrastinare. A volte le persone ansiose passano tutto il tempo a preoccuparsi e finiscono per sentirsi mentalmente impreparate a fare qualcosa.
Rimandano i preparativi per l'incontro e l'ansia aumenta con l'avvicinarsi del momento.
La socializzazione può essere stressante ed estenuante per chi soffre di ansia. Potete aiutare una persona di questo tipo lasciando che si muova al proprio ritmo e senza pressioni.
Se sentono il bisogno di disdire, assicuratevi di fargli sapere che lo capite. Quando si accettano le persone così come sono, li aiutate e il vostro rapporto con loro cresce.
Il modo migliore per reagire a una cancellazione dell'ultimo minuto
Il modo migliore di reagire quando qualcuno annulla i piani all'ultimo minuto dipende da tutto ciò che abbiamo menzionato finora e da ciò che volete dalla vostra relazione con lui.
Prima di rispondere
Ecco alcune cose da considerare prima di rispondere a qualcuno che cancella i suoi piani all'ultimo minuto.
• Do you care?
Innanzitutto, pensate a quanto sia importante per voi questa persona e questa situazione. Is it someone you care about, and is this something that’s a big deal to you? Ha davvero importanzao è solo un piccolo livido per il tuo ego?
Keep your mental health a priority, and if it’s someone not particularly important, just let it go. If they offer an explanation, good. If they don’t, who cares?
If it’s someone you do hold special, take other things into account before responding.
• Why did they cancel?
Si tratta di una questione personale, di qualcosa di importante, o semplicemente non avevano voglia di uscire? Do you feel understanding if it’s just a case of not wanting to go out?
• Did they offer an honest apology?
Even if this person doesn’t have a ‘good’ reason for canceling plans, did they offer a sincere apology?
For example, would you be okay with it if your girlfriend told you, “I’m sorry, but work was stressful today, and all I want to do is sleep right now. Let me make it up to you tomorrow.”
• Do they want to reschedule?
Se l'altra persona dice di volere un'altra volta, la sua intenzione è reale o lo sta solo dicendo? If they really want to meet up, they’ll suggest a specific time instead of just mentioning that you should reschedule.
• Is canceling plans a habit for either of you?
If this isn’t the first time they’re canceling plans, you might rightfully feel fed up. On the other hand, if you tend to do the same, maybe your relationship has become one where plans aren’t that important.
Se volete che le cose cambino, dovrete parlare con voi e stabilire delle regole.
• Do they take it seriously?
Did they send a text just so that it counts, or did they make an effort to let you know they can’t make it? Did you see them make a social media post right before sending you an “omg, so busy” text? You don’t deserve to be an afterthought.
Cosa rispondere
• If you’re okay with it
If you’re uscire con un uomo impegnato or woman and they cancel last minute, let them know it’s okay and that you’d like to give it another shot. Respond with something that combines these feelings.
Non c'è da preoccuparsi.
Capisco.
Grazie per avermelo fatto sapere.
Sei disponibile su ~ ?
• If you want an explanation
Even when they approach canceling plans thoughtfully, you can still be annoyed, but you don’t want to pry or push them away. Let them know that you’re concerned and open to rescheduling.
Va tutto bene?
I hope it’s nothing serious.
Let me know when you’re ready to try this again.
• If you’re fed up
When someone keeps canceling on you, there comes a moment when you’re done. Make it clear that wasting your time is not acceptable.
I wish you’d let me know sooner. I have other important things to do.
I’ll let you know if I’m free again.
Let’s hope this is the last time you cancel.
• If you don’t care
If you’re done with this person, you don’t have to respond at all. If you do, let them know they should move on and not waste your time anymore. Any variation of “bye” is the best response.
Conclusione
Quando qualcuno disdice un programma all'ultimo minuto, potreste essere infastiditi, feriti o arrabbiati. Depending on how the other person approaches it and how you feel, you might want to reschedule, or you might decide you’re done with them.
Your time is as valuable as anyone else’s, and others should respect that. On the other hand, if you’re someone who cancels plans last minute, try putting yourself in the other person’s shoes before you do it.
