Dear lesson…
If I had to describe whatever I had going on with you in one word, that word would most definitely be ‘waiting’.
I was always waiting for something, for you to be ready, for you to stop being scared of commitment, for you to reply to my text, for you to call, for you to choose me, for you to be sure about us, and the list goes on.
If I had allowed you to keep going in and out of my life I would still be waiting.
I could have given us millions of chances, or maybe I did already, I don’t know anymore but the result would always be the same—we would never work, because you would never change, you would never love me the way I deserved, the way I loved you.
Saying this doesn’t make things any easier, it just makes me face reality for once.
I wasted too much time, hoping that at one point you would come around, you would finally see me and how great we could be if you just gave us a real chance.
But you could never do that, could you? You were so emotionally damaged, so scared of love that you saw no other option but to keep me as far away from your heart as possible.
You were never the one who talked much, not about the important things at least. But those rare occasions when you would open up and let me in were the ones that made me fall for you.
You would hug me so tightly, you would kiss me so passionately, that I couldn’t help but think you had genuine feelings toward me.
You would be all that I could ever dream of in those rare occasions and you would be so distant for the majority of the time.
I guess you had done enough to keep me close but never too close. That ‘enough’ worked for a long while.
You knew you could always come back to me no matter how long I hadn’t seen you or hadn’t heard from you, you knew I couldn’t help myself but to let you back in again.
You saw how deep my love was and you used that fact to your advantage.
I was never at the top of your list of priorities and you proved that so many times with both your words and actions.
I was somebody who settled for the bits of your attention and pieces of your affection. That was my biggest mistake, because I allowed you to treat me poorly.
By settling, I became nothing more than an option and that’s the lowest thing you can mean to someone who is your priority.
By settling for less than I deserved, I kept on hurting myself. By staying by your side, I kept breaking my own heart. You kept telling me stories I wanted to hear.
The predominant ones were about us being together one day, when the time is right, why spoil a good thing we have right now, why do we need labels, why do we need other people to see us or know about us.
You kept telling them and I kept believing you and till this day I don’t know why.
I guess when the heart is too involved, you can’t rely on common sense or your own eyes to see the reality of things.
The only thing that could open my eyes was tears, and a lot of them. I felt like I was hitting a brick wall when it came to you.
I gave you all of me, love, understanding, respect, and commitment and you never tried to do the same. You just took me for granted and you assumed I would always let you in.
I thought the same at some point, believe me. But there was this moment of epiphany that made me see clearly.
It made me see that if I stayed on this emotional roller coaster with you I was just going to get sick.
Every time I felt like we were going somewhere, you would let me down. Every time I would believe your promises, you would disappoint me.
Every time I felt happy because of something you did, I would pay for it with enormous pain. That’s why I had to put a stop to it.
I had to stop allowing you to treat me like that. I had to respect myself enough not to let you in again. I had to stop wasting my time and realize that you would never be ready.
I had to protect my heart because it couldn’t stand you coming and going from my life. I had to look past my feelings for you and remember what I deserved.
I had to get away from you to find myself, to love myself and to be happy because of myself.
I had to become my own priority so that you would stop treating me like an option.
