To the man who broke my heart.
I don’t think you realise what you have done. I don’t think you understand how you have broken me.
I don’t think you ever understood me at all and that’s a shame because now you’re going to hear it.
How could you do that to me? How could you let me cry myself to sleep? I never did sleep did I and you knew that.
You knew when you finally read the messages I sent you, days later you read them, and you left me there alone, you never once responded. I was dead to you… I am dead to you.
You knew everything I had been through before I met you, you knew I didn’t want to let anyone in.
You found me, you pursued me, you hooked me in. And for what? For fucking what?! Was it all just a game to you?
“Treat them mean to keep them keen” you said. Good job dude because you didn’t keep me keen, you pushed me away that much, you lost me.
I had my guard firmly up to protect myself and protect my heart. I didn’t want to feel the pain of losing someone.
I didn’t want the agonising feeling of being let down time and time again, to be used, to feel unloveable, unwanted and ‘not good enough’.
The truth is I AM GOOD ENOUGH!!
You were just too selfish to see it. I told you I was scared of getting hurt again.
I tried to push you away in fear that this person I am letting into my life is going to break me when I have just pieced myself back together.
You told me to trust you, you told me to let you in, not to run away.
You promised that you would treat me like a princess, that I deserved so much more than I had ever received.
You told me that you loved me. Completely and utterly. You lied… You broke your promises.
So what if you have been hurt in the past—haven’t we fucking all?!
You are not something special, we have all been through shit that almost killed us.
The difference is you used your insecurities and issues against the one person who was there for you and would of been there for you through everything.
The one person who loved you properly. You wouldn’t allow me in, you did what you begged me not to do.
You left me outside in the cold. How could you be so heartless?!
I am never going to apologise for loving you—the love and attention I gave you was more than you deserved.
It was love which I deserved. You never loved me; you told me what you thought I wanted to hear.
If you loved someone like you claimed, you would NEVER want to hurt them, make them cry or make them feel used.
Did you care though? I don’t think you did and you still don’t now.
If you cared, if you loved me, if you wanted me in your life you would have fought for me, for us.
I did the fighting for the both of us and now I am exhausted.
How could you change from the guy that you made me fall in love with to the man you are now?
I say ‘man’ but I use that term very loosely because to be a man, you would not be a coward, a liar and so utterly cruel.
You were so intense in the beginning, showering me with compliments. We would talk every day until the early hours. You were the male version of me.
We had an instant connection. YOU ARE NOTHING YOU MADE YOURSELF OUT TO BE!
You have two personalities: the affectionate, warm, loving and attentive side and then the cold, emotionless, hard hearted and thoughtless side.
A side I never knew about until it was too late. Until I had fallen for you. That side I didn’t like. You made me nervous to be around you.
It made me so anxious that I felt sick. I couldn’t open up to you fully. I was scared you were going to run away.
I was scared I was going to say the wrong thing. I was scared of the whole thing.
Why did you suddenly turn so cold and unapproachable? The only time I felt close to you was when we were intimate and even then it wasn’t like it used to be.
I felt like crying afterwards. I did cry afterwards but you wouldn’t have known because I hid those tears from you whilst you fell asleep after getting what you wanted.
It became all about you, what you wanted, what you needed. Not once did you think about me and how I was feeling, if I was okay.
You turned into a person I no longer knew. I lost the connection with you. To be with someone and feel so alone is crippling.
Being with the person you learned to love because you thought you could and to be rejected by you time and time again killed me inside.
I noticed you changing towards me, hardly seeing me, cancelling plans, leaving me on my own at your place for hours and only wanting to know me when you wanted something.
You barely spoke to me at all, the texts got fewer, and you went silent on the phone when I was trying to have a conversation with you after not speaking to you all day.
Do you know what it feels like to be treated like an option, to be treated like you are not a priority… To be treated like shit?
Oh yeah, of course you do… It happened to you didn’t it. You know that pain. You know that hurt.
You know it all yet you thought it would be okay to do that to an innocent person who only wanted the best for you. How could you?!
You mistook my love and affection for being needy or codependent. You were mistaken.
You couldn’t look further than yourself to see that what I was giving you was something that you were needing.
Something that I was needing. Something I never got in return.
I wanted to be around you. I wanted you in my life even though you were making it so hard for me.
That was love babe, why did you turn it into something that felt so wrong, something unnatural? I was always fine on my own.
I was fine living my life and being me. You stole that from me and I wanted you to do that in a way that would make me love you more.
Instead it’s made me hate you for what you’ve put me through.
You have taken me for granted. You think by treating me mean it would keep me interested. You thought by having control you have the power.
I took back the power that day and left your ass. I walked away… In fact you made me run.
You made me do what I kept trying to do but you sweet-talked me round with your fake promises and lies. You thought I would stay,.
You thought I would keep putting up with you and your two personalities. You were not worthy of my love. You are not worthy of my tears or headspace.
You left me bleeding my heart out to you and you ignored me. You still ignore me, why?! You shut out your girlfriend in her time of need.
I needed you to be there for me just like I was there for you but you never came. I messaged you when things got tough.
They got tough all because of you. You never once replied. You left me with no choice but to end it. I didn’t want to as stupid as that sounds.
I wanted to make it work. I knew if you opened up to me, let me in and stopped being so insecure and cold, we could have been amazing.
You never gave me or us a chance. Instead you took the easy way out and avoided me at all costs.
That cuts deep, that right there is the REAL YOU.
I bent over backwards to accommodate you and your needs, I did everything you wanted. I understood you were busy, I understood you had a life that didn’t always include me.
The thing is, it never really did include me. I was there for convenience, your toy, your boredom breaker.
There was no effort, no romance, nothing to keep me. You didn’t make me feel special. You gave me whiplash. You gave me nothing but fear and pain.
I’d like to think you didn’t do any of this intentionally, but maybe you did—who knows because in reality, I don’t know you at all.
How could you be so cold and cruel to someone when they didn’t do anything wrong? They never hurt you. I would never have hurt you.
Why cut off all contact before I walked away—was that your way to ensure I would end it so you could play the victim and get what you wanted?
Did you not have the balls to tell me you didn’t want a relationship, that you’re a commitment phobe?
Why did you ask me to be your girlfriend if you didn’t want it, why tell me you love me if you never really meant it? To get into my pants?!
I have so many questions that I will never get answers to because you’re an asshole. This I suppose is my closure.
I will say this though—you may not think it now or even see it like this right now.
But in a week, a month or in a year’s time, you WILL regret treating me like this. You will regret letting me walk away.
You will soon see what you had in me. You will realise that you didn’t lose me. Nope, you couldn’t keep me.
So right now whilst you’re busy doing the things that made you have “no time for me”, busy getting into other relationships that you don’t want, you will be fine.
It’s when you finally wake up alone, wishing it was me you were waking up to. It’s then when it will really hit you. It’s then when you will experience the pain I went through.
It’s then you will WISH you could turn back time and treat me properly.
It is then that I will be able to look you in the eye again and say, “Now you know how it feels.”
Now you can suffer like you made me suffer. Except, I never made you feel any pain, you did it yourself and you will only have yourself to blame.
From me to you, the best thing I did was walk away from you.
I will always love you, but right now I am in the healing process, I still miss you and I still feel sad.
That sadness is for the life I know we could have had, for the man I fell in love with but who now can fall in love with me all over again.
I am free to find someone who really wants me around, who would do anything for me, who will make me their priority, who will give me the world.
I gave you so many chances and you never took them. I am not sorry for leaving you.
I am sorry I didn’t do it sooner when I saw the signs but chose to ignore. I love you but I love me more.
I am the one that got away.
by Leya Hutton
Read more of Leya’s work on leluroxx.blogspot.co.uk