I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to let go of somebody who meant the world to me and whom I loved with all that I am. I didn’t want to let go of somebody I planned my future with, somebody I could never imagine myself without. But here I am. Picking up the pieces and putting myself back together because you left me no other choice but to leave.
To be honest, I never thought I could do it. Tears would roll down my face every time I thought of the inevitable end we were headed toward. I just didn’t want to face it. I kept deluding myself, imagining how things were going to get better, how you would change because you would see how much I loved you and how hard I was fighting to make things work.
But you never even thought of changing did you? You were just fine with the way things were going. You didn’t mind the fact that I was making all the effort, that I was always dreaming of the good old days and waiting for them to come back around again. You surely didn’t mind me forgiving you for everything you did, sometimes even without you saying you were sorry.
No, you didn’t mind and you took it all for granted. You misused my love and my goodness. You thought you could do whatever you wanted and I would always be the fool who overlooked everything just to have you close.
You would inflict wounds on my heart just by using words so nasty I can’t even repeat them; they still hurt. You never had enough time for me, everything else came first. And every time I made a complaint of any sort you would say that I was ungrateful, unreasonable and self-absorbed. Nothing was ever your fault and it was always easier to put the blame on me.
We were always moving back and forth. I think that’s what pushed me away the most. I was tired of all the sadness. I was unable to deal with your inconsistency. One day you would give me the world and the next you would take it back. You were so loving and all over me one moment and so cold and distant the next. You were there but you were never really there, you always had one foot out of the door.
That’s not how you love, with only half of your heart. Love demands all or nothing, there can’t be any in-between. I know you cared, I know you loved me in your own way but it was never enough. You just gave your bare minimum. You invested as much as you needed and nothing more. And when I sum it all up, I spent so much time crying and so little time smiling. Love shouldn’t feel like torture. Love shouldn’t make you this exhausted. Love shouldn’t be begged for.
And I did just that, didn’t I? Against my better judgment, I begged for your love. I begged you to treat me better. I begged for you to change. I begged you to give me more of your time, more attention, more appreciation for everything I was doing, for all the bad things I let pass for the sake of our relationship. But my begging was in vain. I got tired of it. I got tired of being mistreated. I got tired of being unloved.
I know you don’t get that I had to leave. You still don’t see all the things you did wrong. You still think you have the right to be in my life when it suits you. You are capable of putting on your best show ever to convince me to let you back in. But I wasted four years of my life waiting for things to change. Holding on to the hope of some distant possibility that we could make things work, that we could be happy.
I am not letting you go because of the lack of love, I am leaving you because I had too much love; I think I still do but it started to fade because it was never given back. I finally realized I was holding on to something that would never be. Because if it was supposed to happen, it would have by now. We had more than enough time. I gave you endless chances that you never even bothered to use. I was just wasting my time with somebody who never valued me.
That’s why I am done, even though it’s breaking me, even though this is the hardest thing I ever had to do. I have to be stronger than ever this time. Stronger than my feelings because I know that I deserve better.
I have no more chances to give. I am tired of letting you play the helpless victim and putting all the blame on me. I am tired of being unhappy. I am tired of all the pain and suffering you are putting me through. I am tired of being tired.
This time I am seeing you for who you really are and not for what I am hoping you will become. This time I am choosing me and my own happiness over you. Thank you for leaving me with no other choice than to let go.