Leaving a narcissistic relationship is extremely hard. The lying bastard wipes out your self-esteem and your self-respect.
After you’re done with him, you don’t have the strength to move on. Trusting people is the last thing you’ll do.
Only after you survive the long and painful healing process and after you realize that it wasn’t your fault things didn’t work out and that he made you believe in things that are not true, you are able to look at life from a different perspective.
Narcissistic relationships are addictive. You get used to their mistreatment and it becomes your life. He becomes like a fix that you need to take every day otherwise you’ll be in crisis. His insults and manipulations become the air that you breathe and you don’t want to suffocate. That’s why you stay.
Narcissistic relationships are challenging. Some women stay in that relationship although they are unhappy because they keep hoping things will change. They cling on to the idea they will change him and make him a better person. And actually, narcissists are such good actors that they know just the right moment to pretend they have changed—the moment when the woman has had enough and once again, they manipulate her into staying.
Narcissistic relationships are humiliating. These people take away everything positive about you. They take your will for life. They shove you and corner you with no hope of getting out. You just keep going round in circles hoping you’ll find the way out but it never happens.
He turns you into a shadow of the woman you once were. He takes away everything you had and creates a woman of his taste—the one he could control and finally destroy.
But a person can take just enough abuse. All women put a stop to this behavior eventually. Narcissists get them to the point they don’t really care what is going to happen to them.
They are not scared anymore and their consciousness kicks in. That tiny bit of strength left in them screams its way out and they finally discard the sneaky bastard.
But the struggle doesn’t end there. That is just the beginning of the journey. That was just the first step they were brave enough to take.
Now comes the hard part. All women who had the strength to break free from a narcissistic relationship are faced with rediscovering a love for themselves.
They are faced with the challenge of finding their self-respect and forgiving themselves for believing all the narcissistic lies and manipulations so far.
Women have to deal with healing and fighting his tries to get them back. You see, narcissists can’t live without their victims. They have to have someone to leech off of.
They have to have someone who will be their punching bag, someone who will make them feel better, and someone to lash out at. And they will try with everything they’ve got to get you back.
Related: The Ultimate Guide To Ignoring A Narcissist (Spotting And The Aftermath)
This is what you can expect when you finally discard a narcissist:
He will stalk and harass you
Every normal person would understand, if not right away, then after some time, that you had to leave a relationship that was causing you more suffering than happiness.
But, unlike normal people, a narcissist will see your leaving as you beating him and he cannot admit defeat.
He can’t get that you were afraid for your safety and he will see you leaving him as abandonment, but no one abandons a narcissist because, in his own eyes, he is perfect. He sees your relationship as a competition and you won.
Since he can’t accept the fact you discarded him first, he will stalk and harass you for months and maybe even years after you break up.
He will stalk you on social media, come to your home, send you texts, call you or even use someone else to try to manipulate you into coming back to him.
He is ready to do literally anything, from hacking into your computer to messing with your head and threatening you.
Related: Signs Of Obsession: 10 Signs He’s Dangerously Obsessive, Not In Love
He will blame you for everything
At the beginning, he was acting like he was lucky to have you and that you are such a blessing. He acts like he is super lucky to score someone as good as you.
But as the relationship is taking its course and he starts to show his real face, things deteriorate. Because of that, he will put the blame on you.
He will make up a stupid excuse to put the fault of your broken relationship on you.
The reason is completely irrelevant—what’s important is that everything is your fault.
That is so shocking and hurtful and narcissists do it only because they see there is no way the two of you will ever get back together, so they make sure to clear their names and fool themselves into thinking they did nothing wrong.
Related: 18 Warning Signs Of A Controlling Boyfriend
Post-breakup triangulation
He will try to deliberately create a love triangle to diminish you and set your mind back to the time when you were with him.
In these situations, you have to be careful on social media, avoid it and try not to go to the places you could meet him.
This is really important because you are still in the healing process and any sight of him or even a failed try of making you jealous can bring back your doubt and lack of respect.
You have to make sure to have no contact whatsoever with your narcissist, so you deny him the chance of sucking you back into the hell you’ve lived in.
Related: How To Emotionally Hurt A Narcissistic Man
He will guilt trip you into staying
After you finally discard a narcissist, he will try to guilt trip you into coming back to him.
He will remind you of all the wonderful things he has done for you while you were together, and there were a lot of them, but unfortunately, every one of those actions had an ulterior motive.
Every time he did something nice for you, he wanted something in return.
He will shove these things into your face, hoping you’ll remember only the good things and give him another chance.
He will make you look bad
You can’t dodge this bullet. You can’t hide the fact that you broke up because the narcissist wants to make sure everyone knows you broke up and now it’s time for those people to choose sides.
Your narcissist wants you to experience total abandonment from your friends.
He will bad mouth you on social media and gossip about you whenever he gets the chance.
He will try to convince people you did all the things he actually did to you. He wants to gather as much sympathy as possible and make you into the bad guy.
I left my Mine yesterday. 2 days before our 3 year anniversary. Feels like my chest is caving in. I feel terrible but praying for strength and wisdom to not allow him to manipulate me again. I hate myself for even trusting him. I hate myself for believing his lies. I left for Mexico on vacation and broke it off on the phone. He made promises a week ago to change but it never lasts. Always words never actions. He is mentally not well I’ve never met such an entitled un empathetic psycho in my life. He needs me. He has no family here (he’s Syrian) and he knows I’m from a good family with good income. He was such a sweet talker and still is when he wants to pull me back and then he turns back to this weird jeckel and Hyde type of person. When I go back I don’t know what he’ll do he won’t take me serious (as always) hell try to hug me or ask me out for dinner offer to buy me jewelry and things that otherwise he would not. He is a stepfather to my 2 girls the last month I asked him “please please I beg you do NOT ruin my last moments with my daughter our last month together before she leaves for the Air Force.” He failed and ruined each moment with no feelings towards anyone but he wants everyone else to praise him and think of him and give him all the attention or else he acts like a little bitch. At her H.S. Graduation party he was grumpy and didn’t want to help clean up after cause he said he was irritated and wanted to leave to go breathe and to not deal with anything. My pregnant sister who was visiting for only 3 days was helping me clean up. This is typical of him. He wakes at about 12 pm. He’s so lazy. The other day I called him and said “my baby finally called me (basic trying) I’m so happy!! She is doing well she just cried a lot she’s emotional and only had 2 minutes to talk” so he responds “geez, she didn’t ask about me or answer my texts or message me or call me how selfish of her”
That’s when I said NO MORE!!! He ruined it for me. I hate him for that. And then he got mad cause i was upset over that. I tried to explain that she didn’t ask about anyone no time to talk super emotional crying…he didnt get it. Now he’s ignoring me and acting like I’m overreacting and he says I need to get over it and that he doesn’t wanna hear it. If I talk he says “hurry up get to the point I’m tired”. This is how he gets all the tile. I’m the most awesome non-nagging wife I take care of myself physically so he is happy I take care of him so we’ll but In return I have to deal with an immature little brat. He cares for no ones feelings but wants everyone one to shower him with love. He doesn’t smile and gets irritated at everything and hates to inconvenience himself for others. I hate myself for allowing him to manipulate our household and because of this my daughter at 18 left for the Air Force hurting and afraid for her mother. I tell him this and he says “why do you need to talk about things that hurt me”
Omg!!!! I hate him I hate him I HATE him!!! I financially supported him while he couldn’t work I sent money back home to help his family and now that he’s working he gets greedy with his money. I hate him…I hate myself for allowing him to stay this long.
I’m happy tho I got IUD so I would NOt have babies with him. This is the smart move I took or I’d really be hating myself. he wants a son I said “not now”.
I’m good ima live my life my girls are grown and he can go suck on a lemon. My goodness I have to be strong I’m finally doing this. Lord help me.
After 34 years of marriage, 37 knowing each other, my NPD husband moved out. Of course it’s my fault. He’s having a second affair. Of course he blames me. I’m in a city that his entire family lives in. I gave up my family, friends and city I loved 34 years ago to be with this man who I thought loved me. Wrong! Sadly after years in therapy to “fix” myself because of course everything is wrong with me, not him – It took many more years to find out that not only did I marry a narcissist, my mother is a narcissist! My trauma started age 7 with the death of my brother – I was never good enough to pick up those pieces and be someone strong and independent. Now I struggle with not knowing if I have the strength to divorce him because I know as this article states it exactly – he will drag me through hell and the verbal and emotional abuse I’ve endured will be nothing to what I will deal with. The torture he is currently putting me though – moving out but complete silence treatment – not talking to me, no text response, no email response – tells me if I attempt to divorce him it will be the worse thing I have ever attempted to do. Right now he has complete control over me financially. He will hide money and going into court will make me out to be the worse person alive on this planet. He has verbally made fun of me in front of people he works with, his family, my adult children and public in general. I so badly want to run, but am paralyzed and terrified of what will come. Staying here will be no better. I’m currently in counseling but she doesn’t understand completely because she’s still married in a normal relationship (what is that anyway!?) so all she tells me is to leave him. It doesn’t help. I’m grateful for this article and all of the other ones on the internet that remind me I’m not crazy, but at the same time it depresses me further knowing I’m in between a rock and a hard place, and the choice to stay or leave is pure torture. . I’m grateful to see comments knowing I’m not the only one being tortured silently behind closed doors and maybe I will find the strength to do what I need to do.
I left mine 4 days ago after he woke up and was mad at me for who knows what and got so inraged he punched me and kept punching me. I realized that if this man is so angry that he hurts the woman he is susposed to protect that its time to go. I can not take the chance of him hurting me or killing me. I am angry with myself that it took it going that far for me to care about myself. I love him very much because after 18 years he was not all bad. He was my best friend. The fact that I did not mean enough to him after all this time that he refused to admit his wrongs and love me enough to be kind to me makes me hate him.
The Big Piece of Shit.
I hope you don’t ever go back to him.
Watch some lessons on narcissist behaviour on YouTube.
I escaped 8 months ago after 19 years but youtube videos have helped.
Kim Wilson, Dr. DAVID Hawkins, Dr. ABDUL SaaS, there are heaps of great lessons to keep us strong.
When yoh start feeling doubt watch Kim Wilson.
I left mine over a year ago. I thought that the abuse and trauma would be the hardest part. I was so wrong. He stalks me, harasses and taunts me still. These beings do not just let you leave. Especially if you get out before they have destroyed you. He wants revenge for my leaving before he broke me. I do everything to stay no contact – he finds ways around it. Every time he contacts me I relive the trauma. But I will never go back. I will do everything I can to never see his face again. Scary to think that he is out there walking around pretending to be “normal”. Always searching for new victims.
I left mine on 9/17/2017. I went no contact & blocked his number. But every now & then I would check my blocked messages. For 3 months I didn’t hear from him. Then on New Year’s Day, he texted me Happy New Year. I ignored it, something I had not done before. His texts became more frequent. He tried the nonchalant “how is everyone”, pretending like things were normal. He tried asking me out for coffee, had the fake epiphany of “I realize how lucky I was with you”. “I miss you”, “I’m sorry”, “I just want to be your friend”. I never answered a single text. I’m ashamed to admit that it gave me some pleasure knowing it bothered him to be ignored, the way he ignored me so many times. He drove by my apartment when I walked my dog. I would not engage & just turned & walked away. This was followed by more texts, which I did not answer. He got fed up with me not answering, so last week he decided to bully me by coming to my apartment & ringing the doorbell over & over. My heart was pounding out of my chest, not from excitement, but fear & panic. I wound up calling the police. They showed up & gave him a warning. He had the nerve to tell them “I didn’t know she didn’t want to talk to me”. Seriously!!?? As far as I know, he hasn’t tried to contact me anymore. But I find myself holding my breath & worrying what he will try next.
I can’t believe how much I have hurt the woman I love, thank you for being so honest about relationships.x
I totally agree men can be victims of this as well. No one is exempt from abuse like this. But the thing is men don’t report it as much as women do. More men need to come out with their stories and report what they got thru as well. But this is exactly what I’m going thru in my marriage now.
Left mine Sunday. Trying to be strong…..
Left mine yesterday….how you holding up?
Well, I know my mother was a narcissist. My dad stayed with her because he worked all the time, and he was afraid he’d never see my sister and I if he got a divorce. My mother drained my dad mentally and financially. It really was all about her and comparing to the success of her sisters. My dad couldn’t afford the $3/4 million house we lived in for 12 years. She makes everyone’s life a living hell if she doesn’t get what she wants, so he got the house. In the end, my dad has done so much for my family, but he will never be able to retire.
This happens to men as well.
Yeah right joe
Yes, it can. My nephew is married to a narcissist and I pray every day that it doesn’t take him as long as it did me to figure it out and get out of the relationship. When I see him and his with I see me in him and my ex in his wife. It took me 33 years to finally take the blinders off and act.
Bit of a dick comment that, Susan.
I suppose men can’t be victims of domestic abuse either can they?
Oh.. What? Did that sound stupid??
Yes. Yes it did, this may be a page aimed at women but please do us a favour and save your pathetic comments. How about turn your comment into a discussion on why you think that isn’t true?
Give us rational women a bad name.
Wow! This is exactly how I feel and what I’m going through. He makes it seem like I was the reason everything fell apart. I spent a year in tears, crying. Mental and emotional warfare. Questioning my own sanity. Not being able to distinguish my truth from his-if there ever was truth from him. Feeling less than, worthless, not being able to sleep or go about my daily routine. Even after the breakup constantly feeling bad for doing things that I enjoy or going places that he didn’t want me going to. Feeling guilty for even daring to try to be myself. I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore. But I will keep trying to put the pieces back of my life together and I will find out who I am after all of the healing has been processed. I have faith that it will get better, and one day I can look back and help others that have been through this kind of pain.
Watch Kim Wilson t.v. in youtube.
There are heaps of good lessons on YouTube but she’s good to help.you take that first step.
Hi. Monica.
Let’s chat about this.. Similar situation.
same
I felt like I was reading my life ??….. 16 years of marriage… Then Almost 2 years after separating/ divorce and I still deal with his harassment … I still deal with the day to day assault from my own mind feeling like I will never be skinny, beautiful, or good enough. I try to remind myself life is what I make it the struggle is real … Broken I try to glue the pieces together again. A deep breath to cope, sleepless nights, loss of friends, loneliness, and no energy from despair. I’ve felt it all. It is at an end or a new beginning I should say as I step into my new life,… The only thing tethering me to him is out children. My life is a stand still until they graduate because I know he will not allow me peace with anyone else. Another deep breath and I lay my head down for another sleepless night.
Hi Kris, we have been living the same life. I was with my ex for 17 years and in a couple weeks it will be 2 years since I left. I’m so glad you have your kids to keep you anchored. I have been fighting this fight alone; we had no kids, I grew up in foster care and have no family and his family shunned me and took his side.
I’ve achieved much in my life and had overcome many obstacles but still I sit broken, empty, hopeless and feeling unlovable. I hope for the day I can just wake up and not be sad but I am completely bogged down by trauma. In the midst of his storm I was still trying to escape my childhood trauma which is now all colliding together. Now here I sit a 34 year old broken mess. ?
I wish for you the same as I wish for myself and anyone else impacted by these terrible people- brighter days. ❤
I live that for 20 years, family that didn’t see what what was happening…..
One night it finally came to me, that I would never wish this for my daughter. I knew I had to end this relationship. Believe me., after 5 years he still rears his ugly head…. But you find strength and resilience to move forward to a better life, which you and your daughter deserve.
To Kris and every women who left their bad relationship,
You are an inspiration. I’ve been married to my husband 4 years and been together for longer than that but you actually left him after he treated you terribly. I know what I have to do but I’m scared. Isn’t that stupid haha. I’m scared I won’t be able to take care of my child alone , feed her, cloth her take care of her health and emotional needs. Be strong enough for the both of us. I have no support for myself . My mother is no help and my sister has her own family. I feel like I’m alone with no support so that is why I stay and take his crap. But then I think these are all excuse fighting with myself constantly. I’m waiting to have a good credit score so I can get an apartment and move out . I don’t know what to do or where to start. All I know is that I want to be happy and I deserve to be happy . But I know my daughter will be hurt and mad at me and that stops me and makes me feel like I’m being selfish.
After 25 years of being married to the extreme form of narcissistic man who deemed himself perfect, had more affairs then years we were married and actually admitted he hadn’t had an affair in a number of years and was due for one. It used to be so confusing to ask what was wrong and be told if you don’t know I won’t tell you. Silent treatments went on for many months while he forced me to sleep on the floor in my daughters room while he and his brother took the master bed. He came and went to work but still the silent treatment I guess til felt I learned the lesson. I can now see amusement in his twisted thinking and outrageous stories about what I apparently did or said though I never remembered because it never happened except in his warped mind. This past July marked 50 years we could have been married but his self love led him to leave me , our kids and his company to chase after a woman to another province-it did not last and she came back home. The impact on my kids in huge-one has no contact with either parent-one Is handicapped and therefore not perfect enough for him, our sons beliefs prevent him from contact with his father which I fully support. On top of NPD he also has deep grained religiosity in him yet long ago admitted. Being without conscience. That was confusing to me having been raised to know right and wrong, Our younger one grew up during the worst years of his NPD and affairs and clearly saw him for what he is.! Sadly at my best brothers funeral 5 years ago he was still trying to control and pick a fight -did not let him draw me in. Now that we have grandkids he has for years taken it upon himself and who he is currently married to tell the parent how to raise their kids, that they need more discipline, are too rude and perish the thought our oldest grand girl explored an alternative life style at one time and he avoids totally as he does her mother who has tattoos and cool piercings. It seems we are not allowed a voice, an opinion, crticism, suggestion, discuss ANY matter rationally. He however has given himself the right to inflict what he hates on those he claims to love.since he only has contact with mour youngest and emotionally strong younger daughter she has become his target for faultfinding-being she is married to a very stable,smart, secure man who tells it like it is and has had to tell his in law to keep his unwanted and uncalled for opinions quiet. That must be hard for a NPD!!