Being in a relationship with someone who is inherently self-centered essentially means being on the outside looking in. It makes you feel more like someone who is observing the relationship rather than feeling like half of it. When someone is narcissistic, there really isn’t any room to talk about you.
This isn’t love.
Allow that to sink in because you need to hear it. Anyone who loves you will value you and your contributions. They will want to know all about you and support you. Of course, you’re not going to see eye to eye all of the time, and this is part of why being in a relationship is so great. You can complement each other and pick up where the other leaves off.
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you are not valued or appreciated. In fact, you are not you at all. You are an extension of self, their self, at least from your partner’s point-of-view. Narcissists tend to enter into unions with those who will enhance their own egos. This means their partners typically have traits that others admire, the narcissist included. But the narcissist doesn’t admire you for these traits – he admires himself and his ability to make those things his by partnering with you.
The narcissist only loves the narcissist.
As long as you are willing to give, he will be willing to let you. If you continue to offer up your admirable traits for the taking, he will continue to take. Basically, so long as you are willing to play this sadistic game, he is, too. However, if at any point you become unwilling or begin to realize (and you will) that this partnership is one-sided, narcissistic injury will occur, and little by little, the walls will begin to cave.
If you cause injury, beware the wrath.
There is nothing more terrifying than the wrath that ensues after you tell a narcissist enough is enough. If you tell your narcissistic partner the gig is up, game over, you’re out, he will become determined to scare you back into submission.
The narcissist will stop at nothing to keep you.
This shouldn’t sound flattering. It means your partner will become hell-bent on destroying you if that’s what it takes to maintain control and keep you by his side. Some of the more common ways to do this include isolating you from friends and family, telling unthinkable lies about you to those who matter most, starting a smear campaign, and self-inflicting injury to get you in trouble with the law.
Still sound flattering?
You should never underestimate the extent of this person’s psychological sickness. It runs deep, and it has likely been around for a very long time. It’s not something this person can just ‘get over.’ You have to know you can’t change him, you can’t fix him, you aren’t the cure. No one is – this is work that can only be done from the inside out.
When you decide to leave, remember this fact, and make your own safety a top priority.
There are certain steps that need to be taken if you think you are in a relationship with a self-centered narcissist and you don’t want to be anymore. It’s important to know, if you are imagining the worst when you walk about that door, you are not being paranoid. It’s always better to be safe than sorry. Take the time to set up a well-thought-out escape before making your exit.
Above all, you’ll need to resist the urge to look back. Once you’ve shut the door, leave it shut. The narcissist will do everything in his power to persuade you to come back because the power dynamic has shifted unexpectedly, and there is nothing more nerve-wracking to a narcissist.
This person will try to manipulate you into coming back. They will lie, beg, and steal – whatever it takes to regain control. But if you’ve successfully left, you are in the driver’s seat, and this is the best place to be. Returning will only make things one hundred times worse. If you choose to go back, the façade will be dropped the second you’re back behind closed doors with this abuser, and the ultimate discard will ensue.
Returning makes the narcissist feel more powerful than ever before, and he will use this power for destruction. If you thought it was bad before, return to a narcissist, and you will soon realize how bad it can really be.
Don’t let this happen. Take the time to devise a safety plan, and once you’re out the door, never look back. Remember, narcissists are incapable of giving or receiving love. And, you deserve true love. Go no contact once and for all.