3 coisas para manter em segredo: Não é da conta de ninguém, só da sua
There’s a saying that goes something like, “3 things to keep private are your love life, income and next move,” but life is undeniably more complicated than that.
Ser reservado em relação a certas coisas é importante por razões que vão mais longe do que manter um sentido de mistério à nossa volta e fazer com que as pessoas digam que estamos sempre a tentar adivinhar. Being private doesn’t mean hiding things. That’s a whole different story altogether.
O verdadeiro objetivo da privacidade é proteger os seus limites e valores. It’s about keeping the things that are nobody’s business but yours to yourself. Keeping your private life private is how you avoid falling into the trap of having to explain and justify things that matter to you to other people.
Aside from personal things to keep private, there’s another topic that you shouldn’t discuss with other people, and that’s coisas que não têm nada a ver consigo. It’s the other side of being private – showing others the same courtesy.
Let’s see what you should view as classified information, what it is that leads to oversharing and how to stop yourself when the temptation strikes.
3 coisas para manter em segredo
Keeping your personal life private isn’t the same as keeping it a secret. If something comes up in a meaningful context, partilhá-lo com os seus amigos mais próximos ou com alguém em quem confie este tipo de informação é perfeitamente aceitável.
Mas quando sentimos que algumas coisas na nossa vida precisam de ser explicadas para que os outros nos compreendam, pode sentir-se tentado a justificar-se. If you regret it after telling someone a detail that you added without being asked about, you’re oversharing.
You’re aware that some fact or simply the amount you shared was excessive, even though at the moment it seemed like it was a way to connect to the other person.
If you share too much online, using social media as your personal diary, it’s even worse. Too many people have access to what you post and not all of them have good intentions. The small amount of pleasure you gain from likes, comments and engagement with your post isn’t worth the consequences you might face.
Estas são as 3 coisas que devem ser mantidas em segredo: the things you don’t have to justify to anyone and that aren’t anyone’s business but yours.
1. As suas crenças
Ser autêntico e aberto é o caminho para se relacionar com os outros. Isto é bem sabido, mas algumas pessoas confundem ser autêntico com divulgar todos os pormenores pessoais a quem quiser ouvir. To be authentic, your beliefs and actions should match – you should live in line with your values instead of trying to please anyone.
This is why oversharing about all aspects of life is the opposite from being authentic. Using vulnerability to gain acceptance, sympathy, connection or anything else isn’t the same as actually being vulnerable.
Before you share with others, you must consider why you’re doing it. If you’re trying to gain something, you’re not being authentic. If you’re trying to build intimacy without laying a foundation first, you’re oversharing.
• Your religious views
Religion is considered a private topic by most people. Respect for other people’s views, their faith or lack thereof is the only thing that should concern you when it comes to religious beliefs that aren’t your own, and you should expect the same.
• Your choices
Your life choices might be objectively awful and still no one is entitled to criticize you about them. As an adult, your choices are your prerogative and your responsibility and you don’t need to discuss them with anyone.
• Your political views
Some people enjoy debating politics, but no discussion will change anyone’s mind. People have intense feelings about politics, so in certain situations your political views can cost you. It doesn’t mean that your political beliefs must be a secret, but make sure you choose who you share them with.
• Your acts of kindness
Be kind to make other people’s lives easier instead of using it as a tool to get ahead or get brownie points. Good deeds enrich the person who does them as much as they help the person who’s on the receiving end. No one needs to know about your charitable and noble actions, and bragging about them will make people dislike you.
2. O seu estilo de vida
Your personal life is nobody’s business, no matter how convincing those who want to know it might be. If you feel the need to defend your choices, it’s either because you’re unsure of them yourself or someone else is judging you.
People who disapprove of everything that’s different from the way they live usually do it out of envy and unhappiness. Requests to share are usually invitations to explain and justify because they’re different.
A partilha de dados pessoais deve ser vista como um privilégio – you don’t owe it to anyone to know anything about you, let alone to try to make them understand why.
• Your finances
You might be broke or loaded, it doesn’t matter. Volunteering your financial status, especially to your extended family, will get you unwanted attention. If you have a lot in the bank, you might be expected to step up whenever someone needs it, and if you don’t, people you thought cared for you might magically disappear.
• Your problems
Your mistakes, resentments, conflicts, annoyances, everyday issues and long-term problems – unless you know for certain that the other person has your best interest in mind and is eager to help you, keep your worries to yourself.
As excepções são o seu parceiro, os seus pais ou outros familiares ou amigos próximos que o amam e o querem ver feliz.
• Your appearance
Some people believe that they’re entitled to comment on someone’s appearance, but the way you look outside is as private as what’s on the inside. No one has the right to an opinion on how you choose to present yourself or to decide what your appearance implies.
Muitas vezes, as pessoas pensam que a sua opinião sobre quaisquer características invulgares, coisas que consideram pouco atraentes, tatuagens ou o seu peso é bem-vinda, por isso não se esqueça de impor os seus limites quando eles o incomodam.
• Your time
How you spend your day or your future plans doesn’t matter – you don’t need to explain how you use your time to other people. This doesn’t mean refusing to answer when someone asks you what you did over the weekend, it means not having to justify it.
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3. As suas relações
Os pormenores das suas relações são apenas entre si e a outra pessoa envolvida. Contar pormenores às pessoas só aumenta o nível de drama e convida as pessoas a intrometerem-se. Por exemplo, a sua família e os seus entes queridos podem ter os seus melhores interesses em mente, mas o seu envolvimento pode causar problemas com a sua cara-metade.
As relações são também um material privilegiado para a coscuvilhice, pelo que dar aos outros acesso às suas é dar-lhes algo para espalharem. Even if you’re sharing to get help solving problems, no one who isn’t part of the relationship can ever have the full picture.
• Your sexual preferences
Your sexual orientation, practices, choice of partner and your sex life in general is something you should always keep private. When you talk about it to people who aren’t involved in it, you’re either opening yourself to gossip or making the conversation awkward because it’s too much information.
• Your romantic relationships
Mantenha os amigos e familiares intrometidos afastados e trabalhe na sua relação apenas com a sua cara-metade, porque mais ninguém pode compreender. Mantenham a vossa relação privada.
A única exceção é se tiver problemas de relacionamento que precisem de ser resolvidos através de terapia. Nesse caso, é claro que o seu conselheiro de casais deve ser envolvido.
• Your parenting choices
How you raise your children is nobody’s business but yours and your children’s other parent’s. If you two agree, no one else’s opinions matter. Extended families protesting because of your kids’ bedtime or nutrition and telling you it’s okay if they watch another cartoon this once is meddling you should stop before it escalates.
• Your family relationships
Families argue, families love each other, sometimes families aren’t real families, and sometimes families break apart. The details of how you and family members function are known only to you, and people who aren’t a part of it shouldn’t get involved.
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3 coisas para guardar para si mesmo
In addition to personal matters to keep private, there’s another category of topics you shouldn’t discuss with anyone: coisas que dizem respeito a outras pessoas. It includes both gossip about someone not involved in the conversation and comments about your conversation partner they didn’t ask for.
Talking about things that aren’t related to you is another form of oversharing and done out of the same motives, usually trying to connect to the person you’re talking to. The connection might happen – but it won’t last a very long time.
Em vez disso, you’ll regret it because it will make your relationship with the person you gossip about unpleasant, even if they never find out. When it comes to the person you give an opinion they didn’t ask for, they’ll always view you as someone who looks down on them even if your opinion changes.
1. Other people’s business
Your conversation partner isn’t entitled to know any personal details about yourself and even less about other people. Fofocar e partilhar coisas sobre os outros é uma tentativa de estabelecer algum tipo de ligação ou de se sentir superior ao objeto da fofocamas nada de bom sairá daí.
Sharing juicy details you know about others won’t help you make friends. Mentioning something about another person because you don’t know what to talk about doesn’t lead to connection. You’ll be known as a gossip and become a magnet for busybodies who don’t really care about you and you’ll hurt whoever you’re talking about.
2. O seu julgamento
Sharing your judgment and opinions about other people will make others dislike you, unless they’re judgmental themselves. Even then, essas pessoas só estarão perto de si por causa do que recebem de si.
Keep your opinions about the person across the room private. Don’t talk about how wrong your friend is about their decision to another one of your friends. If you have negative personal feelings about someone, keep them to yourself.
Rude opinions and mean-spirited remarks about someone you don’t like doesn’t show them in a bad light, but you. Jokes at others’ expense and mocking them will only attract people who enjoy such things and want to share their toxic habits with you.
3. Conselhos não solicitados
As suas reflexões privadas sobre a forma como alguém deve agir, parecer, vestir, falar, etc., devem ficar na sua cabeça. Feeling entitled to tell people what to do if they haven’t asked you for advice makes it seem like you believe that you’re better than them: já sabem tudo e podem agora transmitir-lhes os vossos conhecimentos.
Tenha cuidado mesmo quando a outra pessoa lhe pede a sua opinião. Por vezes, as pessoas só querem mesmo que alguém as ouça porque já sabem o que têm de fazer. If you’re dispensing advice, look at the other person’s body language to check if they’re eagerly listening or if they’re done after they told you about their problem.
Show respect to others you want to receive yourself and don’t underestimate their judgment by implying you know what’s good for them better than they do themselves.
3 razões pelas quais partilhamos em excesso
As razões pelas quais as pessoas partilham demasiado estão normalmente relacionadas com os limites. The importance of healthy boundaries to living a happy life can’t be overstated. Oversharing is also related to insecurity and competing with other people. This is futile and it will never give you the satisfaction you’re aiming for.
Try to understand why you overshare because once you know what you’re trying to achieve, it will be easier to stop.
1. Falta de limites
Conhecer e afirmar os seus limites pessoais protege-o a si e às outras pessoas. Oversharing violates both your own and the other person’s boundaries. The importance of having boundaries between you and other people is that they help you decide what you should or shouldn’t say.
A partilha excessiva afasta as pessoas. You’ll be seen as a narcissist, inappropriate, awkward or fake instead of authentic and genuine. Trabalhar na compreensão dos limites é uma parte importante do auto-desenvolvimento que pode mudar completamente as suas relações pessoais.
Estabelecer limites in communication will make you a better listener and more attentive. Your first instinct shouldn’t be to respond to whatever other people say with details about yourself. Ter autocontrolo, ser mais ponderado e impedir-se de reagir imediatamente melhorará a sua comunicação e as suas ligações com os outros.
2. A solidão
If you don’t have anyone to talk ou pessoas que o compreendam e com as quais possa criar laços verdadeiros, tentar tomar um atalho e forçar uma ligação pode acontecer. Cada indivíduo precisa de ser ouvido e visto. When you don’t have anyone who can give you that, it’s not unexpected to sometimes feel a little desperate.
Oversharing can come from the need to say “This is who I am and this is my story,” but it’s a misguided attempt to have anyone listen to you and give you attention. Doing it with the wrong people or at the wrong point in your relationship will make sure that you’re not really heard. When you share too soon, people get the wrong picture of you.
Knowing your life details, hopes and fears without having context about what you’re like as a person is more likely to lead to judgment than connection. You might feel connected for a moment, but it can’t last. Construa relações lentamente: seja honesto e aberto sem ser carente.
3. Insegurança
A ansiedade e a baixa autoestima são razões comuns para a partilha excessiva. Toda a gente quer que a sua vida seja boa, por isso olhamos à nossa volta para ver como são as vidas felizes. If you’re comparing yourself with others instead of thinking what it is that makes you pessoalmente happy, you’ll be tempted to try to be like them.
As coisas que fazes revelam as tuas inseguranças. They create a desire to make your own life seem full and exciting, so you share details that you believe will make you seem interesting. What you’re forgetting is that a lot of people want to achieve the same thing, so they paint a picture by choosing what to share.
Isto é especialmente comum na Internet. As pessoas que parecem partilhar toda a sua vida nas redes sociais estão a enganá-lo. They’re not sharing their personal details, they’re manufacturing an illusion of a perfect life. Um bloguista que fala das suas experiências pode estar a fazê-lo pelos êxitos e um influenciador está a vender-lhe uma imagem.
Don’t succumb to the need to prove yourself by sharing personal information, because other people are only making you think they’re doing the same thing. Em vez disso, procure coisas que o satisfaçam verdadeiramente e o façam feliz.
3 dicas para parar de partilhar em excesso
Se tem tendência para partilhar demasiado, pode ser difícil parar, porque normalmente isso acontece de repente.
You’re talking to a co-worker about something work-related and it slips in that you’re on a diet. It doesn’t seem like it’s a big deal, but it opens you up to follow-up questions, judgment and opinions from someone who has nothing to do with you.
Aprender a escolher o que dizer a quem requer alguma prática, mas torna-se mais fácil à medida que o faz. Experimente estas dicas para evitar a partilha excessiva de informação:
1. Praticar a atenção plena
A única forma de acabar com a partilha excessiva é estar atento of your words. Think before you speak and don’t volunteer any information that wasn’t requested. Se for esse o caso, deve ponderar cuidadosamente se a outra pessoa deve ter conhecimento do facto.
Is it someone you’re close to and is it something they should know about you? Unloading your problems on acquaintances will make things awkward and make them not want to build a deeper relationship with you.
2. Considerar a relevância
Don’t underestimate the importance of any private information. As pessoas podem abusar de si e julgá-lo por causa dos mais pequenos pormenores, aparentemente irrelevantes.
Telling your co-worker in the example above that you’re trying to lose weight can lead to comments about whether or not you should do it, advice you don’t need, jealousy because you’re doing something they want to but aren’t, and even sabotage.
3. Refletir sobre os limites
Carefully consider both your own and the other person’s boundaries and what the consequences of oversharing might be. Do you really want your co-worker commenting on your lunch every day because they know you’re watching your weight?
Ter limites you’re able to assert relies on having healthy self-esteem. Oversharing will become less of a problem when you learn to trust yourself instead of having to rely on others for validation. Learn to accept your own decisions without needing anyone else’s input and advice.
Mantenha o seu negócio para si próprio
As 3 coisas que deve manter em segredo são as suas crenças, o seu estilo de vida e as suas relações. O facto de as pessoas saberem demasiado sobre estas questões levará a que duvide de si próprio, questione as suas decisões e dê poder aos outros sobre a sua vida. Reclaim it by carefully choosing what they can be privy to and what’s your business only.
You should also refrain from talking about things that aren’t about you – gossiping about someone not present and giving others opinions they never asked for. Esses comentários e conversas podem fazer-nos sentir bem por um momento, mas acabam por nos deixar desligados ou à mercê de pessoas que querem abusar dessa informação.
Keeping things private doesn’t mean you can never talk about your values and feelings – it means carefully picking who you share your precious privacy with, when and in what amount. You can connect with people by opening up, but you have to know when it’s time to share and when to stop yourself from trying to overshare.
