This Is Me Saying ‘Goodbye’

I am not saying goodbye to my life if that’s what scares you. Truth is, I am saying goodbye to somebody who I saw as my life once. This is me saying goodbye to you.

I guess this is it, huh? After all those days we’ve spent not talking, after all those days we spent in each other’s arms, after we’ve bared our souls naked, we only get to say goodbye to each other. There is no forever for the two of us, at least not together.

God, we have tried, haven’t we? We’ve tried so hard, coming and going and coming and going and it’s just a never-ending cycle. I got a bit tired and you as well. It’s a shitty thing to have to say goodbye to someone whom you could easily picture your future with.

I pictured mine with you for a while and now I know I am not going to get that. I strongly believe I am going to be a ‘cat-lady’ from now on. At least, that’s what I’ve promised to myself. I was one heartbreak away from that and you were my ultimate heartbreaker.

I struggled for so long to say goodbye to you. You know I am a bit of a clingy person. That’s why I have been holding onto you for so long. It’s just so f*cking hard to say goodbye to the one person that could understand you.

The sh*tty thing is, you became the biggest stranger to me after a while. I remember how you once told me that we could’ve worked our things out, but only if I was a bit less me and if you were a bit less you.

Honestly, what’s the point of that? You wouldn’t have loved me if I was a bit less me and I would never fall for you if you were a bit less of yourself.

But I’ve decided to free myself from this. I know it will kill me when it’s over, but there is no other option, is there? At least, we couldn’t find it. It hurts to let go of you, but you’re still a kid and I am an old soul. We’re so different and our views on what’s important are also different. I thought our differences will form a unique relationship and I was right. The sh*tty part is it didn’t last. And not lasting is what sucks.

I don’t get to wake up every morning next to you. I don’t get to cook you scrambled eggs for breakfast nor do I get to kiss you on your way to work. We don’t get to have a dog, long vine nights nor the same surname.

I don’t get to cry on your shoulder every time I’m sad nor do you get to hear how hard I believe in you. We don’t get to be ‘the two of us’ anymore. There’s just you and me, but there isn’t us anymore.

I wanted all of this and I wanted it bad. I don’t get why did I get to meet you, fall in love with you, plan my future with you and then have to let you go? Is this how love should go? How come we couldn’t make it work? I wonder each night how would it be like to have you by my side. I guess I’ll never know.

I was never afraid of goodbyes. I saw it as something temporary because I did my best to meet again the people I cared for. I don’t get to do that this time. This one, this goodbye, is the one I’ll hate for the rest of my life. Because it’s not temporary. This goodbye is forever.

Have a nice life, there is no longer me in it.