I never knew where I stood with you. Our relationship was an emotional roller coaster and not in a good way.
It is not that we had a kind of almost relationship. No, you had no trouble labeling things. You never had a problem calling me your girlfriend or saying that we were in a relationship.
You never had a problem with theory—it was the practice that was hard for you to accomplish.
What you had a problem with was staying. I will never know whether you were running from me all along or if you were actually running away from yourself all this time.
Either way, the point is basically the same. You were constantly the one who was running and I was always the one who was chasing you.
And you never told me your final goodbye. Because you always knew you had someone to come back to if you weren’t happy wherever you went.
And this was true. You always had me to go back to. You always had your sanctuary, a cozy home waiting for you, despite everything you were doing while you were gone.
In time, this became a habit of yours. Each time you got tired of being in a relationship, each time you got tired of me, you would just leave me without saying a word.
Sometimes, you were gone for weeks or months. And I spent all of that time waiting patiently for you to come back.
Even when I was petrified that this was your last time leaving me, deep down I always knew you’d be back. And I was always right.
And each time you came back, I loved you even more. You always promised me that you’d change, telling me that you had finally realized how much you loved me and that you would never leave my side again.
You would declare your eternal love for me and that was enough to make me happy and calm.
And I believed you. I didn’t believe all of this because I thought it was true—I believed in it because I wanted it so badly to be true.
And because these were the only moments in which I felt your love. These were the moments I was holding on to every time you left.
I kept telling myself that you wouldn’t be coming back to me every time if you didn’t love me. And this was the only thing keeping me sane and keeping me alive.
After this period of our mutual bliss and happiness would pass, I would go back to being afraid.
I was always terrified that you’d leave me, because deep down I knew it was just a matter of time before that would happen.
I was constantly waiting for you to walk away, even though that was the last thing I wanted.
When I come to think of it, I spent most of our relationship afraid. And that fear paralyzed me completely.
On the other hand, you were never afraid. You knew I would always wait for you with my arms wide open.
And I always had you back, as if nothing had happened. I always allowed you to act like you had never left and we always picked things up where we had left off.
But the time has come for me to say I am done and to tell you I’ve had more than enough.
You left me. Again. You did everything you were doing all these years.
Nothing has changed.
Except for me.
I don’t know why this time it is different but what I do know is that I can’t wait for you any longer.
And I don’t want to. I spent years of my life waiting for you. And it’s time for me to finally move on from you for good.
I’ve had enough of being your backup plan, your last resort and your safety net. I’m done being there for you when everyone else turns their backs on you.
I’m done putting my life on hold, while waiting for you to come to your senses.
Because now I know you are never going to change. And I know I am not ready to spend the rest of my life living like this.
This is not me telling you that you have to finally choose me. This is not me giving you an ultimatum and this is not me asking you to come back to me if you want to keep me.
This is me taking your options away from you. This is me telling you there is nothing you could do anymore to make me take you back.
This is me walking away from you for the first and the last time. And this is me never looking back.