Why are you always in your room?
You’ll never be good enough if you keep acting like that!
You know how much I’ve sacrificed for you, and you still won’t forgive me?
Every toxic mother used these words at least once in their life. And everybody says: ‘’Forgive her, you need to forgive her if you want to move on,’’ so you constantly work toward that forgiveness.
But no one talks about how hard it can be to forgive someone who ruined your childhood. Yes, they can never give you back your tears, the time that you lost, but when you forgive her, you give yourself the gift of peace.
However, I’m also aware that some of you struggle to do so. In the minutes that follow, we’ll go over the reasons why this is so.
1. She ruined your self-esteem
When a toxic mother mistreats you, you don’t stop loving her – you stop loving yourself.
One of the hardest things to overcome is the aftermath of being raised by a toxic mother. If you’ve been humiliated by your mother during childhood, it can result in low self-esteem in adult life.
If you’ve experienced this kind of treatment from your mother, you know how it can be incredibly damaging to your sense of self-worth. You’ve become withdrawn and isolated, and feel shame or guilt even years later.
Long story short: she didn’t ruin only your childhood, but your adulthood as well. Those things are hard to forgive.
2. The never-ending manipulation
There is nothing worse than having a toxic mother in your life. Constant manipulation, control and criticism start making you feel like you’re not good enough.
Playing the victim in every scenario was her greatest weapon that you as a child couldn’t figure out. She gaslighted you that she was there for you in your darkest moments when in fact she was the one who created those dark times.
Expressing your emotions? Having an opinion? Growing up these two things were never an option.
How a toxic mother can use manipulation and criticism to control you can be seen in the memoir I’m Glad My Mother Died from Jennet McCurdy, so you might want to take a look.
3. She hated how ‘’different’’ you are
We live in a world where the beauty of life is in its diversity. It’s not only okay that you’re different, it’s, in fact, desirable.
However, your toxic mother didn’t think so.
You’d thought she would always love you no matter who you love, but that wasn’t the case, was it? She didn’t want to see the value in her own child’s uniqueness and saw it as a threat to her own identity.
She always thought about the old, boring ‘’What will people say?’’ and never thought about you and the things you were going through.
She hated you for being different. Who can possibly think it would be easy for you to forgive her?
4. A legacy of trauma
The sad reality is that many kids experience physical, mental, and psychological abuse at the hands of their own mother.
These scars are oftentimes the most difficult to heal. Physical violence and emotional manipulation are her tools of choice, leaving you feeling completely helpless and hurt.
Every time you tried to stand up for yourself, it only led to more pain and suffering. You lived in constant fear of her wrath, dreading each day that she is in your life.
The physical abuse you’ve been through was hard – the emotional was even worse. She criticized, controlled and manipulated you, and tried to isolate you from your friends and family.
So, yes, you’ve suffered from her abuse and neglect for far too long to simply forgive her on a random Thursday.
5. Living with a toxic mother’s guilt and shame
Growing up you constantly felt like you were walking on eggshells around her. You never knew when she would explode or what you had done wrong. So you constantly felt like you were disappointing her and carried that guilt and shame into adulthood.
She never noticed all the things you did, only what you didn’t. For many of us, the experience of a toxic mother can leave us feeling like we will never be able to forgive her for the pain she has caused.
No matter how much time passes, the hurt can linger and cause us to feel like we can never move on.
They blamed us for their problems, making us feel bad for every success we made and then guilt-tripping us into staying in an unhealthy relationship.
These feelings of guilt and shame can be a major roadblock to achieving personal growth and finding true happiness and I can never forgive my mother for doing that.
6. Her refusal to show love and affection
I know how lack of love from my mom created an avalanche of side-effects later in my adulthood…Constantly looking for love wherever I could find it, emotional imbalance and low self-esteem – those are all the things happening inside of me right now.
So I know how you feel. This struggle is real, and it affects every aspect of your life, everyday. So now, now you just feel unlovable.
I know that this feeling of being unlovable became deeply embedded in your psyche. So not only do you have little confidence in yourself, you feel like no one’s ever going to love you.
You’ll always be thankful to your mother for everything else, but you will never forgive her for acting like this.
First things first, I want you to know that you are not alone.
Many people have been through similar struggles, and it’s important to understand that you can still have a healthy and happy life despite the pain your mother has caused.
I understand why you feel like you can never forgive your toxic mother. The impact of her actions has left deep wounds that may never heal.
As a child who also has a toxic mother, I may not be able to forgive her, but I can learn from her mistakes. I can make sure I’m not as controlling or manipulative as she was. I can try my best to never be a mother like her.
However, keep in mind that forgiveness is not for the other person…Well, they do benefit from it, but forgiveness is for YOU. Why?
Carrying around that mental baggage only weighs you down.
Getting rid of the mental baggage helps you fly.
Thursday 16th of March 2023
Most times toxicity is cyclical. The toxic people do not know they're being toxic because it's all they've known! Is it really fair to judge and punish people who might have been unaware of how detrimental their actions and words were? I think dealing with toxic parenting needs to be addressed by involving all stakeholders. It's not fair to disconnect from someone without confronting them and engaging with them to discuss perspective.