I have had enough. Enough of this ‘one step forward, two steps back’ we have had going on for years. Every time I feel we are going somewhere, you finally flake out again. One moment you are close, you are all in, you reassure me that we’ll make it, that this time it’ll be different and as soon as I start to believe it, you disappear.
How can you use me like that? How can you play with my heart like it’s made of cardboard? Do you have a conscience at all? Why can’t you stay away once you leave? Can’t you see that this back and forth is killing me?
I guess you can’t see it because you only see yourself. I have to stop deluding myself that you love me, that you care for me, that I mean something to you because if I really did you wouldn’t treat me like this.
I know that this situation we are in now is partially my fault. I keep giving this love endless chances to come to life. I keep giving you chances to be the man I believe you are deep down, to be the man for me but you blew every single one of those chances.
For you, it’s all a game. You are indecisive. You don’t know what you want from life. You don’t know what you want from me so you keep stringing me along. You keep relying on the fact that I will be here no matter what you do. I have done nothing to make you think otherwise. No matter how many times you left, no matter how many times you disappointed me and dragged my heart through the mud, I would always take you back and love you like nothing had happened.
It’s hard to let go of someone who made you feel like nobody else ever did. You swept me off of my feet when we first started. You made me feel like I was your one and only. You did everything you could to make me fall for you. And as soon as you saw that I was crazy about you, you decided it was time to leave.
And after a while, you wanted to come back. You wanted to come back just so you could leave again. It was like this enchanted circle I couldn’t get out of. Leaving and coming back wasn’t all you did to me, though—it was just a part of the equation.
While you were away you would go back to your ex. You would make up some lame excuses why you had to do that, how she had some power over you but you loved me. You clearly made up stories. I simply wanted to believe you so much that I deliberately blinded myself to it, and went against my better judgment.
Every time I would take you back, I would end up regretting it. You would make me feel like I was larger than life and after a short while, you would make me feel like I was so small, insignificant and meaningless. I was always the one to blame for everything. I was too clingy. I was too jealous. I expected too much. And despite everything you did to me, you were never blameworthy. You were always righteous and you always had all the answers.
Looking back at all of it now, I can’t explain my actions. I can’t grasp the fact that I took you back after you had been with her. I can’t believe that I let you in again. I can’t believe you always found some reason to go. I can’t believe that my self-esteem was so low that at times I didn’t know that I deserved better. I was ready to be in something so destructive rather than face being alone. Rather than facing the fact that you are incapable of loving anybody but yourself.
And that’s the only truth. You have done everything for yourself. You have taken away from me as much as you could without bothering to give anything back. You took my love and used it as a weapon to defeat me. You used my feelings to manipulate me because you saw I was so helplessly attached to you.
But this time I really can’t take it anymore. I can’t waste my life on you. There will be no more chances—you blew them all. There is no more going back. I know I kept on repeating the same mistakes time and time again, expecting different outcomes. Clearly, it’s time to do everything differently.
There will be no more waiting for miracles that will never come true. There is no depth to you. You are just a pitiful excuse for a human being. And me, I am just a fool who believed in your lies. That’s why I am not giving you a chance to tell me lies anymore.
There will be no contact whatsoever, as I blocked your calls and texts. I banned you from my social media accounts and I am learning how to erase you from my heart because you don’t deserve to be there. I am done loving you. It’s time I start loving myself.