When we first met, you showed way more interest in me than I did for you. It doesn’t mean that I was playing hard to get—I am simply one of those girls who needs time to get to know someone and to be comfortable around that person. And I made that very clear to you—I told you how things were and that you shouldn’t expect too much from me in the beginning. Instead of walking away from me that instant, you were caring, patient and full of understanding.
But not for long. Soon, you just disappeared and when I tried to see if something was wrong, you kept telling me that everything was great but that you were just too busy. At first, I believed you but later on I saw that you were avoiding me. I assumed that you had got tired of me or that you’d found someone else and soon enough, I forgot about you.
But then, you came back into my life, as if nothing had happened. Once again, you were that sweet, caring boy from the beginning of our story. And I fell for that boy. And I made that very clear. And that was when all the drama began.
That was when you started disappearing and coming back into my life as you wished. And silly me would take you back every time, thinking it would be different.
That was when you started changing. There were days when you acted like we were nothing more than friends and days when you acted like I was the woman of your dreams and the love of your life. There were also weeks when you pretended you didn’t know me, where you would ignore all of my texts and phone calls, when you would live your life as if I never existed. Then, you would come back and sweet-talk me into taking you back. And the never-ending circle would continue.
For months, I’ve been trying to figure you out. I’ve been trying to read your mixed signals and I’ve been trying to understand what it was that you really wanted from me. Did you want a relationship? Did you just want to be friends? Did you want a no-strings-attached kind of fling? Or did you just enjoy leading me on?
But then I realized that all of this wasn’t important. I assume that you yourself never knew what you wanted and that you don’t know it now either. But what is important is the way it affects me.
Your mixed signals have caused me more misery and self-doubt than you could imagine. They brought me more tears and pain than I would ever be ready to admit. The fact is that your behavior has ruined me completely, as much as I try to run away from it. But I hope that there will come a time when I’ll get enough courage to walk away from you for good, to move on with my life and to get over you completely. Because I don’t blame you for most of these things. I allowed you to treat me this way and I am the one who keeps letting you into my life, aren’t I?
But what I can’t seem to overcome is the fact that you made me question myself and everything I always was.
First of all, you made me question my sanity. Have you got any idea what it’s like to spend one day being sure of someone’s love for you and having all your hopes shattered the very next day? There were times when I was certain I was going crazy because I didn’t know what to think anymore. There were times when I thought I was imagining all this that was going on between us and that I was just misinterpreting your signals. I would convince myself that you saw me as nothing more than a friend and then you would show up telling me how much you loved me and how sorry you were for neglecting me. And the moment I would believe you, you would go back to your old ways and all of this has made a hell in my head.
But most of all, you’ve made me question my worth. How come I wasn’t enough for you to actually date me? Why wasn’t I enough for you to at least give our relationship a try? Will every guy I meet in the future treat me the same? Is my body the only quality I have? What is wrong with me and why could I never keep you around me? These were all the questions that were going through my head until one day I realized that actually I was good enough and that you were the one who wasn’t enough. None of this was my fault because I really did give you my best and I really did try everything.
And although I know all of this now, this is something I will always resent you for, for making me think and feel.