You told me I was hard to love, that I was incapable of feeling anything, that I was a fucking cold and emotionless wall.
You lied and you convinced me that you deserved more and still you never gave me anything in return.
You turned the past around, convincing me I did things which I would never do. You took my words and shaped them into meanings that suited you.
Living that way was torture, it was a hell that I was praying to get out of, every minute of every day.
And you still had the nerve to blame it all on me. You still played the victim and cried in despair how you didn’t deserve my incomplete love.
You kept pushing me down to give you an excuse for your lame behavior, for your abuse.
You chose to put me down every time you made a mistake because that was always easier than to admit that you were not perfect either, like none of us is.
You were just too much of a coward to accept it. It’s impossible that such perfection as you are could ever make a mistake.
It’s always someone else’s fault and in our relationship, it was always me.
But I know that you envied me. You were jealous of everything I did, especially the things that I did better.
That’s why you made me feel bad about myself, like I was not good enough, nor would I ever be.
You used every chance to try to take me down because you couldn’t accept the fact that I was better than you.
Sadly for you, you saw our relationship as a competition and what’s even sadder is that you were losing and you couldn’t take it, so you made sure I paid the price for my ‘success’.
The saddest part of all was that it was never a competition but your sorry, narcissistic ass couldn’t realize that you were simply incapable because you’re in love with yourself and you could never love anyone else, not even close to how you love yourself.
You always blamed me for your every failure. You called me incapable, stupid. I can’t even remember all the nasty words you called me because I forced myself to forget.
But I remember how hard you screamed at me, I remember that I closed up inside myself and prayed for all of it to stop already.
Now I know it wasn’t my fault. I could have never been guilty of your inability to control yourself, to restrain yourself from hurting others.
You enjoyed it and it gave you a sense of purpose. You thought you mattered, that you were great.
Every time there was a problem, I failed to please you. I tried so hard to make you happy. I played by the rules, your rules, and I gave it my best, but even then that wasn’t enough.
You always wanted more. That made me sink lower and lower in despair and depression.
No matter what I did, I couldn’t make you satisfied. I was always one step behind.
It’s like chasing something that is right in front of you and you see it but you know you’ll never catch it and all your efforts are meaningless.
I started hating myself because nothing I did was good enough and along the way, I realized nothing would ever be good enough for you.
I thought it was me, that I was the problem, so I started hating myself because I thought I was incapable of love.
When we started fighting, I knew the best thing I could do was to let you lay it all out in front of me without saying a word.
I knew it was easier to keep quiet and nod, making you think you were right. There was no point in arguing with you because you always had to win and I didn’t stand a chance from the start.
You wanted to manipulate and control me and you succeeded. You made me think I was crazy because out of the blue you would turn the tables and pretend you were sorry, only to make me feel bad.
Every time you did this, I thought I had won the battle but that was just a sneaky tactic to guilt-trip me and get things done your way. At the end of it, I would feel proud of myself.
But that pride would soon fade away as I started realizing I was being played.
Then I hated myself even more.
Sometimes you were even good and kind to me. You would do me a favor or you would surprise me by doing something nice that I didn’t expect.
What I didn’t know then is that all your kindness and nice gestures were calculated.
I didn’t know that right from the start you were planning on using them against me the next time you needed to find a way to manipulate me.
You kept them for the moments when I had sobered up from your toxic input and realized I had to start doing things for myself and would probably leave you if I ever wanted to be happy.
Then you would attack me with everything you had,making sure I never left.
Your jealousy became unbearable. You forbade me from hanging out with my friends, you tried to tear me apart from my family because you were scared I would meet someone who would treat me better than you, someone who would treat me the way I deserved.
You ripped me out of the world because you were scared but you weren’t scared of the possibility of losing me but for the prospect of losing the power you had over me.
You were scared because you knew I was a good person, so you talked behind my back, you trashed me every chance you got.
You knew that you could wake the worst in me so you tried so hard to provoke me and bring to life the rage and anger I felt after you manipulated me.
And you wanted others to see that side of me. You wanted to manipulate them into thinking that you were the victim and I was the abuser.
You wanted to make me feel alone and unwanted. You wanted to make me feel like I had no other choice than to stay with you forever.
You pretended you were looking out for me but actually, you used my insecurities against me. You enjoyed feeding me with insults followed by expressing concern, so that you didn’t look bad.
You knew to protect yourself from accusations on my part because your every insult ended in a tone of, “I just want the best for you.”
You crossed the line a couple of times and then you would lie that you would change, that you were sorry because you knew I would leave.
Things between us would be perfect for a couple of days and as soon you saw I got my hopes up and I restored the faith in our love, you would go back to being your same old self—a narcissistic D-bag.
You caught me in your web and you made me believe I needed you when it was the other way around. The truth is you needed me and I hated myself for realizing that too late.
The hatred and the loathing of myself that I felt brought me to the place I am today. By treating me like shit, you showed me how not to treat myself or anyone else.
You made me feel things I don’t want anyone to ever feel. You made me a better person. So after all this time and after all the pain you caused me, I have to say thank you.
Saturday 7th of April 2018
Reading this, was like reading my relationship, as it tends to play out, every situation, scenario, and day to day living.... is there any actual real love to be had here? Bc I believe i5 live him as he does me..... but I'm always miserable and hating life. I always just want to be alone anymore, that's unlike me to the fullest... Help, idk...