I am a human being, not a robot. I don’t work on pressing the right buttons and I don’t have the ability of turning my emotions on and off the way you’d like me to.
I can’t snap my fingers and erase my memory or choose between the things I want to forget and the ones I want to remember.
I don’t have a magic wand which can make all of my emotional pain go away or which could erase my past, even though that is something I want more than anything.
So you must understand why I can’t accept your apology, just like that. Why I can’t pretend as if nothing happened and as if you never made my life a living hell.
I am not telling you this because I don’t believe you—as much as I am apprehensive, you might really regret your mistakes.
I am not doing it to get even with you or to teach you a lesson never to play with me again either.
I cannot accept your apology because deep in my heart, I know that I can’t forgive you for real.
Giving my false forgiveness to you and absolving you from your sins when I still hold grudges for all the pain you made me go through would make me hypocritical and in no way different from you.
The truth is that I would like to pick up my strength and that I would like to be the bigger person and allow myself to forgive you.
However, I wouldn’t like to do it to make things easier for you. Instead, I would like to accept your apology for my own sake.
I would like to forgive you so I could liberate myself from this horrible resentment and negativity that is still eating me alive, even long after you left my life.
So I could free myself from this desire for revenge that I keep on trying to fight away.
Nevertheless, that is something I can’t do, as much as I want to.
A simple, “I am sorry,” can’t make me forget all the nights I spent crying myself to sleep, all the humiliation I went through because of you or the feeling of abandonment I had when you left me hanging.
It can’t change the fact you cheated on me for years, while promising me your eternal fidelity, that you manipulated me into blaming myself for your mistakes and the fact that you shattered my heart into pieces.
It can’t magically make me go back to being the girl I was before you broke me, nor can it erase the fact that you scarred me for life.
A simple, “I’m sorry,” won’t take back all the insults and lies you kept telling me for years.
It won’t make up for the fact that you always treated me like second best, while you were always my priority.
Your, “Sorry,” won’t give me back the years I wasted on you.
The years I wasted on justifying your shitty behavior, on giving you second chances or on waiting for you to become the man I needed you to be.
It won’t erase the trauma you inflicted and it won’t change the fact that you made me think I was not meant to be loved.
It won’t glue my broken heart back together and it won’t heal my wounded soul.
So, no, we can’t be friends and you can’t come back into my life just because you told me you are sorry. You don’t deserve my forgiveness and I can’t pretend like none of these things happened.
Don’t get me wrong—this doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the fact that you’ve finally admitted your mistakes and that you’ve taken responsibility for your actions.
Nonetheless, a simple apology isn’t enough and can never make up for all the pain you’ve caused.
To be honest, I would be lying if I told you that I am sorry for the fact that you are consumed with guilt. Because you don’t deserve to sleep peacefully, thinking that you’ve done me no harm. You don’t deserve to continue living as if there doesn’t exist a woman whose life you’ve ruined.
