It has been a while since we talked, right?
I know that you miss me, and I know that you would want me to be with you. But you need to understand that when I wanted to be with you the most, you pushed me away.
You see, you never loved me enough. You never really took care of me like all mothers should.
All that was important for you was your next fix, even if that meant that I would stay hungry that day. Because you needed it to stay alive—like you used to say.
Mother, you chose drugs over me every single time. You destroyed every chance for me to be happy and to actually have a nice childhood. All that I have from my life with you are traumas.
Traumas because whenever you didn’t want to fight for your life, I did that for you. I still remember the night when you overdosed.
I remember holding your head in my lap and screaming in your face to wake up, while you would open your eyes only for a second, not even knowing who I was.
I still remember myself panicking and being totally freaked out. Because I wanted to help you so much, but I didn’t know how.
Mom, I was only 7 years old at that time.
Mom, how could you have done that to me?
Weren’t you thinking what kind of effects you would have on me? Is it possible that you weren’t afraid that you would leave me on my own?
Is it possible that you weren’t thinking about me and my future? Is it possible that you didn’t love me, mom?
I still have flashbacks of that event, and I still blame myself for your addiction. I was always trying to be the best child a parent would wish for just to make you happy. I wanted you to be proud of me.
On the other hand, you never gave me an opportunity for me to be proud of you. I was always ashamed of you being my mom because you made my life a living hell.
You were never there for me when I needed you the most. You weren’t there when I got my first bad grade to tell me that things like that are normal and that I shouldn’t be worried.
You weren’t there for me when nobody could understand me and when I was depressed. You weren’t with me to tell me that I will be okay if I just believe in myself.
You were never there when I needed you and that is what hurts me the most. The only person I should have relied on wasn’t there for me.
The one who carried me under her heart for 9 months simply chose drugs over me. That’s how little I meant to you. That’s how little you loved me. And I will always be hungry for your love.
You etched scars on my heart when I was a child, and they will never heal.
The wounds still bleed when I see you wandering the streets, begging for some money to buymore dope. I still have nightmares of that night when you overdosed and when I tried to save you.
I dream that you lie in my lap, that I am begging you to wake up, but at one moment, you open your eyes and close them forever. At that moment, I feel that I am losing you, and then I wake up.
I wake up all sweaty and with turbulence in my head. I don’t know where I am and if you are still alive. Then I pick up the phone to call you, but when I try, you are unavailable.
So I sit in my room until dawn and stare blankly, thinking if things could have been better. I think about the things that I did to help you, and I wonder if I did all in my power to save you from the addiction.
But then I realize that you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. I could never save you from yourself because you would always choose drugs over yourself and over me as well.
Then I start crying because even if it won’t change anything, it will make me feel better. At least I will let go of the pain.
Because if it stays in me, I swear, I will explode.
If I don’t let this anger out, I will fall apart, and there will remain only the shell of the woman I once was. And that is not my intention.
I want a better life for myself. Because I have had enough of this lousy life with you.
You showed me what kind of person I should never become. You showed me all those bad things, instead of teaching me about the good ones. You showed me what a mother’s love shouldn’t look like.
With you, I felt like I was lost, and I didn’t know which the right path was.
With you, I completely lost myself in trying to help you.
And that is something no child should feel. A child has to be loved, taken care of and cherished. A child is a blessing from God, but you never saw me as one.
For you, I was always someone who interfered your way and someone you wanted to get rid of.
For you, I wasn’t someone you wanted to spend time with, but instead, you neglected me and made me feel like I was not important.
With you, I felt like I shouldn’t have been born, and unfortunately, I will never forgive that feeling. No matter how hard I try, I simply can’t tear it out of my heart.
The fact that you chose drugs over me will always hurt. It will always hurt that I meant nothing to you and that one fix of dope could make you feel like I never could.
While you were everything to me, drugs were everything to you, and if you could, you would probably have sold me for the good stuff.
By doing all those horrible things to me when I was a child, you ruined our natural connection, and even if you are my mother, I will never be able to love you like a child loves his mother.
I will never be able to call you late at night when I can’t breathe because of the bad memories, so you would calm me down, telling me that everything will pass. I will never be able to rely on you like other kids rely on their parents because you lost yourself a long time ago.
You lost yourself the day you chose the drugs over yourself. And the same day you lost me as well.
So, I just want you to know that even if I am not complete now and even if I have my moments where I totally freak out, I don’t blame you.
In fact, I feel sorry for you.
I feel sorry that you will not be able to live the life you were supposed to live. I am sorry that you won’t be happy and that you don’t remember me when I pass you in the street.
I am sorry that even you are still alive, I lost you the day you decided that I was not so important.
So mom, if you are reading this, just know that I forgive you all.
I simply don’t want to hold onto grudges, and I don’t want to have this anger inside of me. I decided to forgive you and move on. I decided to live my life in the best possible way.
I decided to think twice about everything I am about to do, especially if that has something to do with my kids.
And nothing like you, I decided to be a real mother. I swear that my kids will never wonder whether they are worthy enough or good enough to me because I will show that to them every single day.
If you ever read this letter, just know that I am okay. Don’t worry about me, and don’t try to find me.
I couldn’t make you change your mind to you would leave drugs when I was a child, but maybe you will listen to my words now.
I hope they will hit you so strongly that your whole life will pass in front of your eyes.
I hope you will finally realize that you were wrong all this time and that while I needed you, you weren’t there.
I hope all those memories will hit you hard just like you like. But this time, you won’t be high and you won’t feel great – this time, you will realize that you are alone and that you pushed me away.
This time, you will know what it really feels like to hit rock bottom!